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#156191 - 05/14/07 10:31 PM I think I'm in trouble
dean1320 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
My "boyfriend" and I have been off and on for the last 7 1/2 years. Recently, he spent the night and once again I couldn't perform up to his needs. I feel frustrated because I can't stop letting the CSA effect my sex life. We've talked about it and it seems he is at the end of his rope. I called him tonight wanting to just hang out, but he said that it would wreck him being around me. He basically said that he couldn't be around me. It felt like a personal attack on me, and it hurt bad. I think he is looking around for someone else that satisfies him emotionally and sexually. I just felt like the same old voices of "loser" in my mind came back. I began crying after we got off the phone. I am currently looking for a therapist. The VA system is too slow. I just feel like between that and issues with my mother (I did not speak with her on mother's day) I am going backwards instead of forward. I am tired of this *hit. Please, if anyone has any comments. Please post. Thanks.

_________________________
NEVER QUIT .

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#156192 - 05/14/07 10:38 PM Re: I think I'm in trouble [Re: dean1320]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi, Dean,

Sorry things are like this between you and your partner. It seems like the CSA affects so many aspects of our lives, and none of them positively. I think you're on the right track with therapy, though. I think it is key to getting through this stuff. It sounds like your boyfriend has hit the wall as far as his ability to help you deal with this. Maybe it's time for some frank discussion of what you each feel the future holds for each other.

And on the mother's day thing, I understand as well. I did a 15 minute duty visit, and then it was over. Till her birthday laster this year.

_________________________
Eddie

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#156220 - 05/15/07 02:09 AM Re: I think I'm in trouble [Re: EGL]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Hi T

Sorry you have to go through this. But you ar not a loser!! You are a strong person that will make it no matter which way it turns. It is never easy with our partners or wifes as not all of them are understanding. I mean, you know my situation.

Although I do not have any advice I want to encourage you going for therapy (yes who am I to say right?). I truely believe it will be helpful to your situation. Have you considered seeing together?

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#156228 - 05/15/07 07:46 AM Re: I think I'm in trouble [Re: dean1320]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Dean,

I totally understand where you are coming from because in my last relationship I had the same problem. You are in NO WAY a loser. I have the same problems you do. I have serious blocks sexually.

I hate to be brutally honest with ya here bud. But its the conclusion I had to some to. If he can not be understanding enough to help you with your issues and can not "weather the storm" then he probably is not a good partner for you! I say this out of experience, finding the right partner who truely loves you for your faults and your good points, and who is willing to work through things no matter how tough, makes a real partnership. Maybe some relationship counseling would be good as well as your counseling. Get a T!

My ex-bf, he hated that I had very little sex drive and he was very supportive but he used this line..."Well I am a man I need sex" and I told him "then get the F&(k out"!!! A person who truely and totally loves you will work through these things and stay faithful throughout. I found out my ex was cheating (its complicated with the gay sex "roles" and all). If he is looking or you are suspicious be safe if you are having sex, he could be cheating.

Now I am not saying this is what you should do but this is what I would do. Sit down and talk to him about your relationship, what and how much it means to him and what he is willing to do to help you not hinder you. If he can't be understanding and can not just satisfy himself (sexually), then maybe the relationship is not one that will last.

I know its tough, seriously. I hated being alone but I found I am worth (and you are too) someone who truely loves you and will be excepting of all that you are. You deserve that!! Don't settle for less, I didn't. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

Much love,
Brian



_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#156402 - 05/16/07 07:48 AM Re: I think I'm in trouble [Re: pain4ever]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I agree completely with pain4ever on this one.

Of course I know very little about your relationship, just the little blurb you posted above. My partner used to say the same thing to me, but he understands me enough to tell when my mind is struggling during our intimate moments.

I must say that it makes me angry to hear that someone can claim to love their partner while at the same time saying that the sex is not up to his expectations, and he is looking elsewhere. Needing a break is one thing, but threatening abandonment is really quite pathetic given that sex is such a small part of a healthy relationship. Think about it, how much time is spent having sex? Compare that with how much time is spent bonding, sharing everything from expenses to emotions, socializing together, etc. This partner is allowing his own selfishness to be your burden! That is very unhealthy for you, and very likely the source of your additional pain right now. He knows your circumstances and that you have been traumatized. You have very limited control over the result of that traumatization, yet he dismisses the impact and makes you feel as though you are damaged. All I can say is OUCH.

I don't mean to judge him without knowing him, but one could argue that his behavior is making the choices about your future together clearer. Who needs this on top of everything else? He needs to wise up and get over himself.

Sorry, I ranted a bit but his own personal difficulties, dissatisfactions, unrealistic expectations, etc. are NOT YOUR FAULT nor are they your responsibility, and you can bet on that.

Hang in there, and let us know how things develop.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#156522 - 05/16/07 05:22 PM Re: I think I'm in trouble [Re: cbfull]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
In my opinion, and I don't hold myself out as an expert by any means, I think that if he says it would "wreck" him to be with you without sex, he's trying to play you. This sounds like perpetrator behavior to me. I'm sorry this is so hard, but you may just have to let him go.

Remember: It was not your fault.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#157272 - 05/21/07 08:57 AM Re: I think I'm in trouble [Re: Chain Breaker]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Jeez Chain, it hadn't occurred to me to see it that way, but I have been thinking about your post and I now agree. The situation, at least the way it has been described above, is very perp-ish.

This guy is putting sex before feelings, and that seems to be where the line is for perp behavior.

Good call Chain.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#157275 - 05/21/07 09:08 AM Re: I think I'm in trouble [Re: cbfull]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
yeah, this is true.

there is an unfairness - have you thought about couples counselling?

that might help you talk about the stuff - cause - like you both care - but -

maybe a third party can help you discuss - the things that frustrate both of you

not just him - you may have issues with him - beyond the sex thing - that

could be discussed too. and maybe - sex as a priority could be talked about too.

i know of a lot of gay men - who have just love relaitonships.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#157522 - 05/22/07 02:39 PM Re: I think I'm in trouble [Re: markgreyblue]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dean,

I think the first thing you need to hear is that this is such a common problem among survivors, but also one we find difficult to talk about. It hits so close to home where our identity as men - straight or gay or anywhere round about and in between - is concerned. You are not alone, man, and you are sure no loser. This problem goes right back to what was done to you as a boy; it wasn't your fault then, and it's not your fault now.

I have read the other comments you got, and there's a feeling among the guys that maybe you aren't being treated so well by your boyfriend, in that sex is more important to him than you are. I can understand how they feel, and yeah, maybe that's part of the story, or even all the story.

But what occurs to me is that you have been going with this guy for more than 7 years. Would it be fair to say that if he were so callous as that you would have picked up on it by now? Maybe the sexual issues in your relationship have been building up for a long time and he has found it difficult to talk to you about them, precisely because he fears he will look like he's with you only for sex.

Have you told him about your CSA issues? I don't recall that from your previous posts. In any case, perhaps what is needed here is an honest discussion in which the two of you lay all your issues out on the table and agree to talk openly and honestly. Try to listen to each other without taking the other guy's feelings as a personal attack.

I have no idea if this will help restore things or not, but at least it may provide a foundation for talking openly about how you really feel and what you need.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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