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#15602 - 08/29/04 05:47 AM Trust
lee75 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 37
Loc: utah
maybe someone can help sort this out or even just listen to my ranting.
ive been going to therapy for about 6+ months. and i cant seem to trust or want to trust her. i dont feel comfortable with her, but on the other hand i havent felt comfortable with any of my T's. i have the Great misbelief in my own specialness and the fact that i can fix my own problems. i usually know thats thinking incorrectly but in therapy or even after i think i know better. ive been doing it forever.

i just started a business and that takes up alot of my time. i use it as an excuse to isolate myself alot. i dont like to leave my house. i try to go on a bike ride every day but its hard when you work at home to make yourself go out if you dont have to.
i dont know if this has to do with quitting drinking and smoking in addition to cutting down the drug use to maybe once a month and no more.
i understand that i need to quit in one part of my brain but somewhere else my brain says, oh you can do it Once in a while.....
you can handle it.
quitting smoking wasnt hard, either was drinking...
im just scared of life without a crutch.
well maybe this i long and rambling enough.
i have a computer in my house now so i should be on the board more often. even if its just to read
thanks tons everyone,
best
lee

_________________________
Lord, i hope this day is good. im feeling empty and misunderstood. i should be thankful, lord, i know i should, but lord, i hope this day is good. DON WILLIAMS

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#15603 - 08/29/04 06:48 AM Re: Trust
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
To be blunt. Skip the drugs. Ride the bike.

Aden


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#15604 - 08/29/04 08:13 AM Re: Trust
heart Offline
Member

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 48
Loc: UK
Hi Lee

When I started trerapy for CSA I found it really difficult to trust my therapist, why should I, I had been betrayed by abusers who had "played" with my trust.

I was convinced that if I disclosed the abuse to my therapist he would then take advantage of my vulnerable state to abuse me, or would tell me I was disgusting and should leave his practice straight away. I also thought that I might destroy him be disclosing my abuse, as if the abuse was some lethal weapon I had to keep control of inside me or it would go off.

I guess I had to learn not only to trust him but also to trust myself. Disclosing such potent information to a stranger is challenging. I remember quite often after disclosing abuse stuff to my therapist I would suddenly hate him intensely for knowing my secret (I told him about it and he was not surprised at all). I got used to having these strong emotions coming up and realize they were only there to try to stop me from getting better.

I gave up drink, drugs and smoking 10 years ago and I am still alive...well, instead I talk of the abuse until I am blue in the face!!!!....

Take care
Heart


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#15605 - 08/29/04 10:33 AM Re: Trust
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
if you do not trust her - you probably have good reason - you do not have to trust her and the therapy will do more damage than good -
find someone you like and 'click' with -

please be good to yourself -

and pm if you have any questions -

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#15606 - 08/29/04 11:35 AM Re: Trust
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA

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#15607 - 08/29/04 07:38 PM Re: Trust
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Lee
Quote:
im just scared of life without a crutch
Aren't we all?

And as Survivors we seem to take refuge in ALL the crutches, and then we invent some!

When I started my recovery a few years back I tried to everthing all at once. It didn't work.
So I changed tactics and threw one crutch away at a time, and learned a new and positive support in it's place.
I'm still doing it, and one day I'll be walking unaided ;\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#15608 - 08/29/04 10:20 PM Re: Trust
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Lee,

it seems to me that there is truth and mistruth combined in what you say. Because really, it IS our healing. No one else can do it for us. So for us to think we can do it ourselves--well, we DO do it ourselves! But most often, we do not do it BY ourselves. Slight difference there.

If you realize that you don't trust therapists, then suggesting you change them is not right, as you also will not trust the next one.

I think everyone here understands the need, the desire, for a 'crutch' of some kind. I suppose even therapy could be one. Perhaps a 'safer' or 'healthier' one then some. I do agree with Aden, I think to stop drugs completely is a good idea. I really just think that they have no positive affect on us, when used in that way.

You seem to be very smart and insightful into yourself. Maybe you can put that more towards accepting therapy, and pushing yourself to trust it more. I think that would help you gain more in the process.

Good luck.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#15609 - 08/30/04 01:29 AM Re: Trust
honest_lion Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/19/04
Posts: 16
Loc: Dallas, Tx
Lee,
I am also going through some kind of isolation phase myself. I stay at home a lot more often than before. I have no idea what that means. I am not sure I want to know right now. Just started specialized Incest Therapy. I am also a member of AA. Just quit smoking about ten days now. Physically also down somewhat.
About staying home, I don't see it as problematic. Even when I used to be out around people all the time, I still felt kind of distant from the crowd. Being around people helped me deny the fact that I was a lonely son of a ***ch. Now I am getting a little honest and a little courageous. I guess subconciously I figure, if I am going to be lonely anyway, why waste effort in going out spend money and be lonely anyway.
I really believe I am going through a good phase of finding out who I am, and yes it is very hard and painstaking. This would be good topic to talk to my therapist next time. I do not want any answer right now. Just want to make sure I express all my thoughts and feeling around it, hiding absolutely nothing.
You have a good day tomorrow.

honest_lion


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#15610 - 08/30/04 04:35 AM Re: Trust
lee75 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 37
Loc: utah
EVERYONE,
thanks for replying to my post. it has given me quite a bit to think about. also the responses have given me hope that at somepoint i will see progress. thanks guys.
lee

_________________________
Lord, i hope this day is good. im feeling empty and misunderstood. i should be thankful, lord, i know i should, but lord, i hope this day is good. DON WILLIAMS

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#15611 - 08/30/04 06:44 PM Re: Trust
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Lee -

You say that you use 'just started my own business' as an excuse to isolate yourself. I often used to come up with excuses to not socialise (before telling anyone that I had been abused) - the best advice I got was from my best friend/suupporter ...'you should never turn down an invitation - at least if you turn up, you can find a reason to leave if it is uncomfortable in any way'.

I've had some negative feelings on occassions that I have turned up. Now that more people understand why I feel that way, I get more support & am less likely to feel negative (I need to see what is going on around me & don't like any blind spots).

Crutches - well I used to NEED alcohol every night, now it's for pleasure & not to drown demons. I nearly deafened myself with rock music for years - now that I no longer have my secret, I can actually stand silence (I still listen to rock music though).

I don't know how much you smoked or drank, but your body gets used to what you put into it - it can take some time to adjust & you may experience withdrawal syptoms that can create anxiety. It sounds like you know what your goals are & that is a very positive thing.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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