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#1560 - 04/25/04 09:55 AM I want to come back
coolcat Offline
Member

Registered: 02/23/04
Posts: 109
Loc: Winnipeg MB Canada
As most of you might have notice I haven't not been around much latly expect for reading post and making a post.

I really would like to get involved in the chat again but feel really scared and vunerable about what might happen again. I am a person who has a hard time trusting people and then when I do I usually get hurt by it.

Does anyone have any suggestion on how I can trust again?

_________________________
Take it easy, Don't that the sounds of your own wheels drive you crazy....
Gus

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#1561 - 04/25/04 10:07 AM Re: I want to come back
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
You need to remind yourself that not everybody out there is bad. You need to have hope. You need to be willing to place hope in others that they are good and decent. You need to be willing to accept the fact that this won't always be the case, that there are some bad people out there and you are guaranteed to run into them from time to time. You need to believe that not everybody is like the people who have hurt you. You KNOW that they aren't. Look around you here. Please come back. Let us help you, and you can then help some others. The ones who are perps, liars, fakes etc. are only missing out on things that they will never even come close to understanding, friendships and love.
\:\)

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#1562 - 04/25/04 10:58 AM Re: I want to come back
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Hey Gus,

I know the feeling and I know that the answer is within your own hands.

What I mean by that is come back into the room and tell the guys you're just going to listen for a while until you feel there is enough safety for you to say a few things. And don't start speaking on a day when you're really hurting and need the guys to really hear you the way you really need to be heard. Go on a day when things are fairly good and you just want to say hi and get your toes in the water so to speak. We each have our own way or style of communicating with others so start noticing which of the guys respond to others in a way that you would like to be responded to if you weren't feeling so good. Then when you're in a tough space you'll know whether to share in the chatroom, or a PM or a post.

We all can get our feelings hurt even by people who more than likely don't intend to do that to us. So your job is to observe, test things out safely and then decide what,where and when to share. Keep your power in your own hands Gus and then jump back in in the way that works best for you. Good luck brother.

Taz


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#1563 - 04/25/04 11:38 AM Re: I want to come back
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hey Gus,

I know the Nao/Heather charade was hard on you. You gave Nao all the compassion and understanding that "he" would have deserved, if he wasn't the fraud she turned out to be. I also know that you gave a lot of yourself in this process.

Trust is something a person earns. By there actions and such. There are so many different levels of trust. Do you trust the neighbor kid to bring in your garbage can? Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but it isn’t such a big deal if he doesn’t. Do you trust the guy coming up to the intersection you are crossing will stop? Sort of, but you keep your eye on him and are ready to hit your brakes, punch the gas, or maneuver if he doesn’t. It becomes a whole different ball game when we are talking about our emotions. Can you go around not allowing yourself to trust nobody? I guess we could go find a hermit and ask him if that is possible, but then he wouldn’t trust us enough to answer the cave door. The short of it is no, it’s not possible. But, how to get to from the hurt of broken trust to trusting again?

Take a chance. In chance there is the possibility for gain and the possibility for loss. Before taking change, we must first determine if the chance is worth it. At the casino, a place of games of chance, we wouldn’t give much thought to place a single quarter in machine at a chance at a trillion bucks; but we would give great thought and probably wouldn’t place our life savings in the same machine to win a quarter. The former is a case where the possible loss is far less than the possible benefit, in the latter the possible loss is far greater than the possible benefit. Same goes with choices throughout our life. We take chances each and everyday.

Taking a chance of trusting someone and making a great friend has the risk of having that trust broken. Such as was your case with Nao/Heather. Did it feel good before you knew that she wasn’t really him? That you were making a difference in “his” life? That you were feeling? I think it did and that is why you were hurt so much by this. Yes, it hurts to have your trust betrayed, conversely it feels extremely good to have it respected. Opening up and trusting has a great benefit. Something really nice about trust is that it can be built upon. You can put the quarters in the machine one at a time, rather than the whole life savings at once. Reducing the risk as you work towards the big payoff. And still retain the ability to ‘cut and run’.

Judge people on their own merits, not of those that have come before them. Just because some have hurt you before, doesn’t mean that the person you meet tomorrow will do the same.

I look forward to having the chance to talk with you again. Our last chat wasn’t very pleasant, as you already know. The mods here are on the lookout for problems, you may not see it, but they are. If you have or suspect one, don’t hesitate to let one of us know, either here on the boards or in the chat room. Thad, the chat administrator, should be in the chat room tonight from 8pm-10pm Pacific Time (that would be 11pm-1am for east coasters like me and 10pm-midnight for people in, let’s say, Winnipeg) and he is always available by the link at the bottom of the page.

I hope to see you in the chat again,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#1564 - 04/25/04 12:40 PM Re: I want to come back
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
That was probably a little long winded. But, what the heck. I hope you were able to read through it. If not, I'll get you the Cliff Notes. \:D

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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