Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cricket453 (60)
Who's Online
8 registered (Going forward, pufferfish, fff123, Obi, petercorbett, 2 invisible), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63412 Topics
443342 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#155900 - 05/13/07 03:36 AM unworthy ***triggers***
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
I had been happy for several days. It seemed that things were going my way. I guess some people aren't meant to feel good for long periods of time, and I must be one of those lucky ones. Instead of enjoying life for as long as this happiness existed, I chose to act out for the first time in 5 years. First, spending hundreds of dollars I could scarcely afford at a casino. When that didn't make me feel bad enough I had a sexual encounter with some stranger. I am disgusted with myself. I have ruined a perfectly respectable record of being nonsexual and not acting out for all these years. It feels as though everything I've done, all the hard work and tears have been wasted. I am unclean, unworthy and very depressed. I have sabotaged my own psychological well being and feel that I don't deserve another chance. I am vile,disgusting, and ashamed.

_________________________
mack

Top
#155901 - 05/13/07 03:57 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: mack]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Mack,

The good news is today is a new day. You can choose to beat yourself up (like most of us do), or you can pick up from where you left off and continue to work your recovery. Beating yourself up is all too easy to do because we are so used to it.

I used to sabotage myself in different ways every chance I got. I finally figured out that I did it out of fear. I was afraid of setting the bar too high for myself which would lead to obvious FAILURE and SHAME.

You do deserve another chance (and another, and another...)! You deserve as many chances as it takes! And YOU are the only person who has the ability to give it to yourself. The alternative is not an option!

I have no doubt that you would give me as many chances as I needed! Be good to yourself!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

Top
#155902 - 05/13/07 04:00 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: mack]
hill Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/09/07
Posts: 6
Mack--
I have only come to know about this site recently, and I learned about malesurvivor.org only afer a long, expensive history of acting out in similar ways.

I am sober four years now, having been sober once before that for a period of four years. My heaviest urges to act out seem to arive with increased longevity of sobriety--as if by not medicating with alcohol, my unheatlhy spending and sexual behaviors begin to float to the top (or maybe I just remember more of waht I do these days).

To be truthful, your posting helped me--very much-- for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't know it was possible to stay clean for five years--so you have already given me hope, inspiraton and a goal. Second, just because I have not perfected my behavior after four years sobriety, this does not send me off to a bar.

I have often felt similar feelings to your statements of being vile and unworthy. But even as a beginnner with malesurvivor.org, I can see that you have stated those negative self-judgements as facts--which they are not.

hill


Top
#155930 - 05/13/07 12:11 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: hill]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Well this one will pull me back out!

"Unworthy?" How in HELL are YOU unworthy? I, like so many here read your story. The fact that you are even a functioning human is evidence enough that you are strong, driven and a GOOD man.

While you are beating yourself up today Mack, could you think about how many other people were in that casino? Could you think about how many other people needed some affection?

I'm not saying you have license to do things harmful to yourself, but MACK...cut yourself a break! You are human, you had a bad day. There was something you needed and you acted in that particular way.

Broke a 5-year record? That proves to me you can go 5 years! That's pretty darn fine if you ask me!

"I am vile,disgusting, and ashamed."

You are only one of the above...ashamed. I've known you long enough to know that you are not vile or disgusting. In chat and in forum, we tend to share deeper parts of our hearts and souls than we would face-to-face. That's even true with my wife...we have deeper, more honest talks online than in person. You and I Mack have had some rather deep conversation. So, I know enough about you!

Vile and Disgusting??? Hell no!! Beautiful and Caring!!!

Robbie

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#155934 - 05/13/07 12:36 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: Still]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Mack... don't be so hard on youself. You (we) are only human after all. Screwing up is part of life. Put it behind you and move on.

Mack.. nothing vile nor disgusting about you..(well maybe being from Texas counts)...

Stay on the path.... if you stray off the path, you can always get back on it.

Take good care.

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

Top
#155939 - 05/13/07 02:09 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: GWsurvives]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
but you had the several days of happy! for me thats a huge improvment ,someday the happy's will outnumber the shitty's. thats where we are headed . sometimes i wonder if i've felt shitty for so long that maybe im afraid not to you know? happy is just as scary as shitty if your not used to it.maybe we been fighting for so long we cant imagine not fighting ,for me its been, i fight therefore i am. dont know how this will help but i had several days of happy too and i keep thinking that somethings gonna happen you know?this is to good to last.its hard not to think that way i think .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#155940 - 05/13/07 02:16 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: shadowkid]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
It's all a learning process Mack, setbacks don't equal failure. Just be CAREFUL if you "act out" ok? HIV scares the HELL out of me and I hope it does that too.


Top
#155942 - 05/13/07 02:40 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: Hauser]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I've received a lot of encouragement in my own life just by reading the 7 posts on this thread. You guys are me heroes!

Hugs all around,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#155945 - 05/13/07 03:11 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: Hauser]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Hauser
It's all a learning process Mack, setbacks don't equal failure.


Good one H! I've got to remember that.

Thanks H. You hear him Mack?

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#155946 - 05/13/07 03:17 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: Still]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Hi Mack

I've just cut for the first time in 4 years and it threw me so bad as you wont believe, or maybe you will.

But you know what? I stood strong for 4 years and I am not going to let one or two times get me down. I've (and you) came to far to let one day determine the course of the future. Rather look at the 5 years you stood strong.

As someone once told me. It doesnt matter how many times you stumble and fall but how many times you get back up.

We are all here for you, don't be too hard on yourself, we are all still learning.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

Top
#155957 - 05/13/07 04:37 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: pietie]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
Thanks for the replies. I am not sure I can get over this. Not only is the psychological pain immense right now, but the physical as well. Everytime I look in the mirror and see the bruises and swollen lip I am horrified at what I've done. And yes, I did it. I sought out someone to beat me and rape me. What gives me the right to complain about childhood abuse when I purposely set out last night to destroy myself. How dare I waste everyone's time and energy. I have failed. Not only in trying to be a survivor, but also being a good person. I am not a good person and I don't deserve a good life.

_________________________
mack

Top
#155959 - 05/13/07 04:49 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: mack]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
.



Edited by Robbie Brown (05/13/07 04:51 PM)
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#155960 - 05/13/07 04:51 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: mack]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: mack
What gives me the right to complain about childhood abuse when I purposely set out last night to destroy myself.


BECAUSE THE TWO ARE RELATED DUDE!
You think you would be seeking that out having never been raped as a kid?

I DARE you to tell me the two are not related.

...and I'm sorry you are hurt. You are my friend and I care about you. I wish i could be there to help you.


Robbie

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#156720 - 05/17/07 04:05 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: Still]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
Thank you all for your replies and support. It really helped to know you were out there. I have given each reply alot of thought and have come to the conclusion that you all are right.
I have a better understanding of why I did that, and resolve not to punish nyself anymore for it. The misery and pain I brought upon myself was enough punishment in itself. Hopefully, you can find it in your hearts to forgive me the dramatics. Over-reacting has been part of my 'thing' for years. Although it has been 5 years since my last 'acting out' episode, this time I learned some valuable lessons. Thank you all again for the support.

_________________________
mack

Top
#156762 - 05/17/07 09:35 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: mack]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi, Mack,

I'm late to this post, but wanted you to know that I agree 1,000% with the guys above that you are not vile or disgusting. And no forgiveness is necessary for any dramatics. I've had plenty of days of drama here myself. \:\) You were not overreacting to it, you were honestly talking about how it made you feel. And THAT, my friend, is called progress!

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#156769 - 05/17/07 10:24 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: EGL]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Mack,

I'm late to this post as well. Forgive you? For what? For being hurt? For being abused? For having to live with the pain of having your childhood taken from you? You can't be forgiven for something that is not your fault. Acting out is a way of dealing with the pain. The pain we all understand at some level. I have been sober 4 1/2 years... you think I'm not tempted to drink a few quarts of vodka to stop the pain, the lonliness, the guilt and shame? It is always there, the temptation. I go to bed each night and think... ahhh, one more sober day down... the rest of my life to go...

We are all on that edge of going back to the destuctive behaviors that gave us that temporary respite from the pain... not one of us on this site has anything but the utmost respect for you... you are fighting the fight we all have decided to persue.. you had a stumble.. so get back up, brush yourself off and move forward... There are happy days ahead, I know it. For you and all of us.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#156893 - 05/18/07 11:09 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: pietie]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mack,

There are so many lessons to be learned in our recovery and we can't always expect that we will make constant progress. The days we stumble are just as important as the days when we move ahead with confidence. When we fall we just have to get back up, learn the lessons that are there for us and keep going.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#156931 - 05/19/07 02:31 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: mack]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: mack
...Over-reacting has been part of my 'thing' for years...


Gee...I wonder who else does that...lol.

(((((((((MACK)))))))))

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#156932 - 05/19/07 02:50 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: Still]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 980
Loc: HULBERT OK
I think that we all over react at times when we are over whelmed by the situation .just my 2 cents worth

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#156933 - 05/19/07 02:51 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: Still]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
Originally Posted By: mack
...Over-reacting has been part of my 'thing' for years...


Gee...I wonder who else does that...lol.

(((((((((MACK)))))))))


\:\) Robbie, you crack me up, man!

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#156945 - 05/19/07 08:15 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: mack]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mack,

Originally Posted By: mack
I sought out someone to beat me and rape me. What gives me the right to complain about childhood abuse when I purposely set out last night to destroy myself. How dare I waste everyone's time and energy. I have failed. Not only in trying to be a survivor, but also being a good person. I am not a good person and I don't deserve a good life.


This is classic "acting out". What happens sometimes is that our pain and feelings become so difficult to cope with that we react to them by re-enacting them, almost like a "theater in real life". That is, we subject ourselves to new pain and suffering of our own creation. There are different reasons why a survivor would do that, depending on the individual case. In one case a guy may be in such great pain that it somehow makes him feel better if he causes himself new pain - he feels that at least this pain is under his control. Or, as seems to be what's happening in your case, he places himself in danger so as to confirm his feelings of shame and guilt.

Mack, one thing that will help you here is to bear in mind is that acting out is cyclical. That is, it's a vicious circle in which a guy feels bad, acts out, gains a sense of temporary relief, but then is overwhelmed by the bad feelings again and starts out on the cycle all over again. Some guys act out on a daily basis, bro. The fact that you were able to stay away from it for five years is a big plus! It suggests that you are just under enormous pressure right now.

Another thing to think about is that when we act out we are re-creating patterns of activity that serve to validate or confirm all the bad feelings we have about ourselves. All those terrible things you think about yourself are FEELINGS, Mack, not reality. I can tell you that as I have recovered I have been astonished at all the crap I was willing to believe about myself - for years!

For now, hang in there. And if you can, try to keep talking - it does help. In the longer term, dealing with all this stuff works out best with professional support. That's another thing that's typical of male survivors: a reluctance to ask for or accept the help we need. But try to think of it this way: the problem isn't that you are so fucked up, the problem is that sexual abuse is a terrible crime and confronts the survivor with an incredibly difficult and important challenge.

But it can be done. Lots of guys will tell you how far they have come and that recovery is possible. That's one of the really cool things about being here - we are in the midst of other guys who appreciate what we are going through, understand our fears and feelings, and can assure us that there really is a way forward.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#156951 - 05/19/07 09:37 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Mack,

Just checking back in to see how you're doing. I know this was a hard thing to have happen to you. What Larry said above is excellent information about the cyclical nature of acting out. It just feeds on itself. Hang on and move forward.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#157022 - 05/19/07 04:28 PM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: EGL]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
Thank you all. For the hugs, the support, and kind words. I have come to understand why this happened, and the only way I would've ever realized 'why' is through everyone here. You all have helped me so much.
I do feel better about myself, and have recognized some stressors in my life that need to be addressed. One small step can make a big difference right now, and I'm ready to take that step.
My living situation is far from ideal. Its actually detrimental to my recovery, so I think moving on my own will relieve me of some extraneous tension.
I think I'll move closer to my T's office..lol

_________________________
mack

Top
#157117 - 05/20/07 08:56 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: mack]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mack,

You seem to be feeling better today - good for you. I smiled when I saw this:

Originally Posted By: mack
I think I'll move closer to my T's office..lol


I remember times when I felt like what I needed to do was CAMP in my T's office! \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#157132 - 05/20/07 09:40 AM Re: unworthy ***triggers*** [Re: roadrunner]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i said the same thing once



Edited by markgreyblue (05/20/07 09:41 AM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.