Thanks for the replies. I am not sure I can get over this. Not only is the psychological pain immense right now, but the physical as well. Everytime I look in the mirror and see the bruises and swollen lip I am horrified at what I've done. And yes, I did it. I sought out someone to beat me and rape me. What gives me the right to complain about childhood abuse when I purposely set out last night to destroy myself. How dare I waste everyone's time and energy. I have failed. Not only in trying to be a survivor, but also being a good person. I am not a good person and I don't deserve a good life.

.

BECAUSE THE TWO ARE RELATED DUDE! You think you would be seeking that out having never been raped as a kid?

I DARE you to tell me the two are not related.

...and I'm sorry you are hurt. You are my friend and I care about you. I wish i could be there to help you.


Robbie

Thank you all for your replies and support. It really helped to know you were out there. I have given each reply alot of thought and have come to the conclusion that you all are right.
I have a better understanding of why I did that, and resolve not to punish nyself anymore for it. The misery and pain I brought upon myself was enough punishment in itself. Hopefully, you can find it in your hearts to forgive me the dramatics. Over-reacting has been part of my 'thing' for years. Although it has been 5 years since my last 'acting out' episode, this time I learned some valuable lessons. Thank you all again for the support.

Hi, Mack,

I'm late to this post, but wanted you to know that I agree 1,000% with the guys above that you are not vile or disgusting. And no forgiveness is necessary for any dramatics. I've had plenty of days of drama here myself. You were not overreacting to it, you were honestly talking about how it made you feel. And THAT, my friend, is called progress!

Mack,

I'm late to this post as well. Forgive you? For what? For being hurt? For being abused? For having to live with the pain of having your childhood taken from you? You can't be forgiven for something that is not your fault. Acting out is a way of dealing with the pain. The pain we all understand at some level. I have been sober 4 1/2 years... you think I'm not tempted to drink a few quarts of vodka to stop the pain, the lonliness, the guilt and shame? It is always there, the temptation. I go to bed each night and think... ahhh, one more sober day down... the rest of my life to go...

We are all on that edge of going back to the destuctive behaviors that gave us that temporary respite from the pain... not one of us on this site has anything but the utmost respect for you... you are fighting the fight we all have decided to persue.. you had a stumble.. so get back up, brush yourself off and move forward... There are happy days ahead, I know it. For you and all of us.

Dan

Mack,

There are so many lessons to be learned in our recovery and we can't always expect that we will make constant progress. The days we stumble are just as important as the days when we move ahead with confidence. When we fall we just have to get back up, learn the lessons that are there for us and keep going.

Much love,
Larry

Gee...I wonder who else does that...lol.

(((((((((MACK)))))))))

I think that we all over react at times when we are over whelmed by the situation .just my 2 cents worth

Robbie, you crack me up, man!