I had been happy for several days. It seemed that things were going my way. I guess some people aren't meant to feel good for long periods of time, and I must be one of those lucky ones. Instead of enjoying life for as long as this happiness existed, I chose to act out for the first time in 5 years. First, spending hundreds of dollars I could scarcely afford at a casino. When that didn't make me feel bad enough I had a sexual encounter with some stranger. I am disgusted with myself. I have ruined a perfectly respectable record of being nonsexual and not acting out for all these years. It feels as though everything I've done, all the hard work and tears have been wasted. I am unclean, unworthy and very depressed. I have sabotaged my own psychological well being and feel that I don't deserve another chance. I am vile,disgusting, and ashamed.

Mack,

The good news is today is a new day. You can choose to beat yourself up (like most of us do), or you can pick up from where you left off and continue to work your recovery. Beating yourself up is all too easy to do because we are so used to it.

I used to sabotage myself in different ways every chance I got. I finally figured out that I did it out of fear. I was afraid of setting the bar too high for myself which would lead to obvious FAILURE and SHAME.

You do deserve another chance (and another, and another...)! You deserve as many chances as it takes! And YOU are the only person who has the ability to give it to yourself. The alternative is not an option!

I have no doubt that you would give me as many chances as I needed! Be good to yourself!

Brian

Mack--
I have only come to know about this site recently, and I learned about malesurvivor.org only afer a long, expensive history of acting out in similar ways.

I am sober four years now, having been sober once before that for a period of four years. My heaviest urges to act out seem to arive with increased longevity of sobriety--as if by not medicating with alcohol, my unheatlhy spending and sexual behaviors begin to float to the top (or maybe I just remember more of waht I do these days).

To be truthful, your posting helped me--very much-- for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't know it was possible to stay clean for five years--so you have already given me hope, inspiraton and a goal. Second, just because I have not perfected my behavior after four years sobriety, this does not send me off to a bar.

I have often felt similar feelings to your statements of being vile and unworthy. But even as a beginnner with malesurvivor.org, I can see that you have stated those negative self-judgements as facts--which they are not.

hill

Well this one will pull me back out!

"Unworthy?" How in HELL are YOU unworthy? I, like so many here read your story. The fact that you are even a functioning human is evidence enough that you are strong, driven and a GOOD man.

While you are beating yourself up today Mack, could you think about how many other people were in that casino? Could you think about how many other people needed some affection?

I'm not saying you have license to do things harmful to yourself, but MACK...cut yourself a break! You are human, you had a bad day. There was something you needed and you acted in that particular way.

Broke a 5-year record? That proves to me you can go 5 years! That's pretty darn fine if you ask me!

"I am vile,disgusting, and ashamed."

You are only one of the above...ashamed. I've known you long enough to know that you are not vile or disgusting. In chat and in forum, we tend to share deeper parts of our hearts and souls than we would face-to-face. That's even true with my wife...we have deeper, more honest talks online than in person. You and I Mack have had some rather deep conversation. So, I know enough about you!

Vile and Disgusting??? Hell no!! Beautiful and Caring!!!

Robbie

Mack... don't be so hard on youself. You (we) are only human after all. Screwing up is part of life. Put it behind you and move on.

Mack.. nothing vile nor disgusting about you..(well maybe being from Texas counts)...

Stay on the path.... if you stray off the path, you can always get back on it.

Take good care.

GW

but you had the several days of happy! for me thats a huge improvment ,someday the happy's will outnumber the shitty's. thats where we are headed . sometimes i wonder if i've felt shitty for so long that maybe im afraid not to you know? happy is just as scary as shitty if your not used to it.maybe we been fighting for so long we cant imagine not fighting ,for me its been, i fight therefore i am. dont know how this will help but i had several days of happy too and i keep thinking that somethings gonna happen you know?this is to good to last.its hard not to think that way i think .

It's all a learning process Mack, setbacks don't equal failure. Just be CAREFUL if you "act out" ok? HIV scares the HELL out of me and I hope it does that too.

I've received a lot of encouragement in my own life just by reading the 7 posts on this thread. You guys are me heroes!

Hugs all around,

John

Good one H! I've got to remember that.

Thanks H. You hear him Mack?

Hi Mack

I've just cut for the first time in 4 years and it threw me so bad as you wont believe, or maybe you will.

But you know what? I stood strong for 4 years and I am not going to let one or two times get me down. I've (and you) came to far to let one day determine the course of the future. Rather look at the 5 years you stood strong.

As someone once told me. It doesnt matter how many times you stumble and fall but how many times you get back up.

We are all here for you, don't be too hard on yourself, we are all still learning.