i guess the gay section is as good as any right now.

a word to the wise about - the way i dealt with my personality - and self -

for a really long time -

if something about myself or my personality or actions - wasn't hyper crisp clear or defined - all the time - consistent

there would be pyrotechniques - firece yelling - that's fine -

but as i got older - it really got mixed up - i don't want to recount the history of stuff -

but i remember - finding myself - in other people - like - i coudln't speak my mind -
i could care for them though -

it was odd - i was 'sensoring feelings'

but - as scary as it sounds - and sorry for triggers -

it was like i needed a facilitator - to deal with myself to know - me
since it seemed every word that came out was wrong i guess -

i've no idea- i guess the safety zone was - living in the manifestations but not really knowing 'me' -

like i dealt with myself as charicature - and not a person - whose edges - don't need to be sharp defined - and perfect -

i can live in a dream world a bit -

i can also be ruthless - forgetful - loose things - absent minded -

have blonde moments as some have said - not quite ready for senior moments -
i dunno -

if i wasn't perfect - i'd beat the crap out of myself inside - and externally this prophecy woudl be fulfilled - by the reinforcing behaviours of all in my immediate - outside of work life -

i can be childish -

i think that is a good thing -

i can feel about 85 years old - at times - and look it LOL -

but - accepting myself now - in the process of healing where i am now -

and recognizing achievements - that are right on - ! if not - 'the perfect shape' whatevr that is - since - it really just has to work for me best -

so it's a good moment - and day - i'm treating myself with kindness rather than causing more damage - as i once did.

a friend here is concerned - but it'll be ok.

there's a lot that is going to be OK.



pax

i saw Mike Lew for one or two sessions -

and a word he said - was - "life is really just about preference Mark"
there doesn't have be - a big fear about what you just prefer -

in that sense - alternatively - i used to think person had to be this perfect thing

in all things - to give - not only in work - but in play too - so like - connecting with friends woudl have a similiair anxiety level -

'i've got to be super humane - and then also figure out things we like in common..' - i am exhausted - lol

so really - guess - some concept to me - might be folks - who just like to play like me - know what i mean ? - no judgements - just the weekly survival stuff -and

then folks i like to 'play' the same way with - sounds crazy -

whatever - no sure how to put forth this one -

eh - it's all good - yoga's coming up sunday -

it's fun - and the guys are laid back

i do not know if this is 'useful' - but when i was at disney -

i knew a woman in the 'features' department who was FEARED.

but i knew her - as a demure - nearly spineless woman - when she was social with my sister and her husband.

so when i mentioned her name to a producer - he got a panicked look on his face -
and said 'how do you know her' - as i was mentioning her in the context of something just politely amusing.

ruthless at work - and with her bf - she was a total pushover - he ended up leaving her becuase of it - it was the strangest thing -

but it iterated again to me about professional life - and myself - success professionally - doesn't always coincide with a personal life.

relationships are hard - are risky - are frightening -

but anyways - i've no idea at the moment why i added this -

i guess good healthy relationships with our selves are really important to focus on.?

it's really true -

my brother observed once -

there are people in the world that heal others - and there are people in the world who do not, perhaps do the exact opposite.

my answer to the abuse - as the personality fell apart - at three -

was to discover ways to heal my parents - to protect myself to understand people and then to try and guide them to healing -

my mother never healed - and the abuse got worse -

i couldn't see any of it - but my therapist woudl say - 'it's like you've studied this stuff'

i could barely observe myself - he'd have to remind me...'that's you mark' -

it was bizarre -

my roommate patrick has been great though

he's really taught me a lot -

and accept a fight or too - as kind of fun actually -

in words that is..