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#155316 - 05/09/07 04:43 PM Mother
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Andy started me thinking about this.


I have no feelings for her now
Not one
The day she died
He died with her
That little boy I had made up to make her happy
But probably never did
The little boy she wanted me to be
The good one
The one who came from such a family as hers
So strong
So up-right
She never knew

I never knew

My act so good I even fooled myself
Except for the closet part
I knew I was gay
Sort of
Maybe
Well, hell, yes, I was gay
I looked at men, didn't I
More than looked
I wanted one
Just one
To see
To know
But never did

See, I was good
Had always been
It was my thing
You have to be
When deep inside you've been convinced that you are trash
That you're no good
That only macho boys are made in the image of God
Or Dad
Same thing

But I loved her
And him, I guess
Beneath the layer of guilt and hate
And so I became the kid that should have come from all those genes
Those wonderful genes

The neighbor lady said I wasn't his
Except I look exactly like him
I wish I wasn't his
I really do

But at her funeral I wondered why I didn't care
Sort of relieved

My daughter said I had "pre-grieved"
She, who had just taken a class on death and dying
As good a reason as any, so I thought
Pre-grieved it was
I knew she was dying, and so I had made my peace with that
"Ding dong, my mom is dead."

And then things started to fall apart
Not things......me

And I ended up in a heap in a church I had never seen
Crying on some guy's shoulder I didn't know
About something I'd done I couldn't accept
After a week-end on the phone with suicide hot lines that didn't care

And that was before my memories

Too bad I didn't die before she died
So much less pain for everyone
No good has come from memories of dear ole dad
Molesting me at 2 and 3 and 4
And now at 9 or 10 again

I want to love you, Mom
I really do
But just can't find you anywhere inside
I search sometimes from place to place in there
For some remembrance of the love
But none is there
Maybe it was only him
The made up boy
Who loved you
And he died with you
The day you died

At any rate
I think of you on Mother's Day
You were a lovely woman
So loved by all

Even by that other little boy
The one hiding there in the closet
The one who knew that no one in the world could love
A little boy like who he really was

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#155364 - 05/09/07 09:02 PM Re: Mother [Re: Bobby]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bobby,

Originally Posted By: Bobby
I want to love you, Mom
I really do
But just can't find you anywhere inside
I search sometimes from place to place in there
For some remembrance of the love
But none is there
Maybe it was only him
The made up boy
Who loved you
And he died with you
The day you died


Poetry helps me in so many ways, my friend. Here again I am reminded of that. Thanks for giving me this gaunt insight into the pain that you and so many other of my MS brothers feel on this issue.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#155369 - 05/09/07 09:17 PM Re: Mother [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
A great poem, Bobby. It expresses so much the way I feel as well. {{{BOBBY}}}

_________________________
Eddie

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