Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: April 05, 2003
Posts: 228
Loc: NYC Aboyt all the thisg that you guys suggestsed, I made a BIG mistake and got hurt-again!

There where these 2 nice guys, a couple, who began to hit on me, I euess 'Youth Is a Big commodity in the homoexual world' and anyway they invited me back to ther place and said "don't worry, it's only accople of blocks a away." A this point no red flags came up some I;efy with the younger of the ywo of them, he was maybe mid to tplate 30's and his BF about 50.

BTW, will I was at the bar I was hit on by sooo many guys-not that I was really attracted to anyone of them but It felt really GOOD to be LIKED by sombody and I think I made some friends in the prosses. But I did not relize at the time that that most gay relationships are about physical atrraction rather than heartfelt atracction.

BTW, GTRAFiC MAY BE A TRIGGER TO SOME
So anyway, back to the older couple, I left the bar having had only one drink, so I was Prettry clear headed. Their Apt. was more than a cople of bocks away, more like 10, anyway one we go itside, I was amazed at how beutiful and posh it was: stained ock walls, peesian tapastries, marble and grainite kitchcken and brase coverings to everything. I thought we where going to talk and sit down a for a while but befor I knew it he was kssinging me and taking my shirt of--and a first I thouhght this is what I wanted, but it was all happening so fast.

His older partner walked in and and saw us both half naked and quickly got undressed and asked me if I would like a drink and used this opertunity to pull away an say the first thing that came to my mouth......ahhhhh um vodka/tonic please, from the counerof my eye I could see him add NO ice and fill the glass about 90% straight vodka with only a splash of vogka (think 4 martini's). So I took a sip and choked on it and mumbled it's a bit strong, he on'y mildly replied. "oh...is it?"

Right then I could begin to feel that somthing was wrong like I had been lured there to be trapped and all they wanted was sex-mayby if one follows one guy home from a bar that is the expectation, by not in my hetero rlationships.

But for some reason I pursued thinking mabe I could revisit the past somehow and in my mind chande the memory.

I tha I ment that no condoms-NO sex and that was final! "Even with oral the older one replyied" and I everything and didn't budge standing ther naked! Werid I was compleatly naked in front of 2 strange men and did not feel emarassed as if I had some sort of power over them- I mean I never used to take showers in high school for feeling to embarassed to and there I was.

So the younger one said quickly we have condoms all over the place and in tens sec's flat was back, the older one put it on and to me to 'suck it' and so I did Not feeling good or bad on particular and then the yonger one began to sum mine but didn't get hard-at all-nada- so then the said it would be better it the bedroom where they had a gaint plasm HDTV and prececed to pay hard core gay sex which was a tunrn off for me but I did not say anything.

So I continued going downon the older on I'll call 'K' for now, an dhte younger onr 'B' forn now on.

So B' ask if he could enter me anallyaal and at first I said no and was very relulctant, but he said he would take it slow and I=he did and it didn't hurt so bad, not like when I was a kid.

But then K, shoved some bottle of liquid under my nostrill and the wold became a daze and he started to talk really dirty to me saying things like: yeah I knen you were a fagboy the moment I laid eyes on you, you love to suck my fat cock, don't you, etc. and that started to make my mind drifit to when I ways I little kid like some of the things my second perp used to say to my while raping me, and then all of a sudden he grabbed my head and pushed down had so that I was choking and feel his thing in the back of my throught and he started shouting 'swallow that cock' 'swallow " "' over and over and BAM was 8 years old again and could not move I just froze up for a few seconds and then I started to squerm and fight and he let got and I shot up and off the bed and said I CAN'T DO THIS! I was shaking and and tears were running down my cheecks.

I dont wanna talk about this anymore!

K asked for my ID and I said that was almost 18 (knowing full well that I was newly 26 but have been told in the past that I don't look a a over 16.

K said he was sorrry but I did not believe him for a second, he is just sadistic and did not want to get in trouble.

B, on the other hand, I think felt trully sorry and gave me his personall number 'just in case I need anything.' He gave me a robe and got or him self and we went out sier on their blacony, perfet view of times square , he handed me a ciggarette and without going into any detail I told him that I was hurt sexually when I was very young, he got my drift and knew what had just taken place I had not enjoyed at all.

When I got back to my apt. I sat in the dark afterter taking 50mg of valium and shuddered and shook and cried all night 'till dawn and then cried mydelf to sleep. my entire pillow was soaked in tears.

that is all I can wright for now. I only wish I had followed all your guys advice and wish I had a friend that did not demand sex in return.


Logan

ps I think that Is all I really want-Friends without hab=ving to sacrifice some thing to have one.

_________________________
Edited to add Trigger Warning

OMG...Logan I am so sorry!!! God, I hate gay guys...I say this even though I am one. I wish there was something I could do. I feel for you simply because shortly after I came out I the same experience only I was drugged. I empathize withe the flashbacks...the samething happenned to me. None of that makes THIS KIND SHIT RIGHT!!! DAMNIT!!! I HATE THIS!!!

I was once where you are, And I still kinda am, it is hard to find gay friends cause they all want to get into your pants!!! ASSHOLES!!! IAM SO SORRY!!!

The liquid in the bottle are called poppers, they are made to "loosen" you up physically and mentally. Its nothing but pure rape. I wish I knew where they were for god sakes they would be sorry for what they did to you!!!

YOU DESERVE NONE OF THIS!!!!

Logan,

My heart is heavy and sad for you.

"I think that Is all I really want-Friends without hab=ving to sacrifice some thing to have one."

That's all any of us want - a genuine friend who doesn't plan to reduce us to an object.

Logan --

That's awful. I'm so sorry that you went through that. Those guys were selfish and abusive, and what they did to you was obscene. I hope you don't blame yourself at all for what happened. You went out looking for someone to be close to, and you found...some a**holes.

I've been in the New York gay singles scene for a long time--had some wonderful experiences, and a few terrible ones. No, gay guys aren't all like that--most aren't at all. Most guys will know when someone they're with is uncomfortable or unhappy and stop and ask what's wrong. But it is a culture that tends to lead with sex, and see what develops afterwards. Bar conversations are usually about hooking up that night. I've had sexual experiences that turned into relationships or deep permanent friendships, but they didn't start that way. Friendship can be tough in the gay scene because it gets tangled up with attraction, competition, a whole lot of things.

I really hope you find the friendship and understanding you're looking for, and that you don't stop looking because of this nightmare.

David

Logan,
I can relate to many things you described and it sounds like total confusion, Thankfully you took your power back that was being stolen once again. Under those circumstances you did an amazing thing. I am so sorry there are gay men out there who are sadistic bastards who think only of themselves. The scene you desribed is reinforced by the porn industry.

I am proud of you for taking a stand and stopping the cycle. When we relive the horrors and allow ourselves to be set up I think we are taken off guard because of vulnerability and the distortion this time it will be better or different. In reality it may only be that we seek attention and believe we are liked and possibly loved. It is our distortion and a result of not being loved and respected as boys. At least that is how I see it.

I am glad you got out of it and sorry it happened. Hang in there and keep trying. You don't deserve any of this. No one does.

Peace,
Dan

i realize that this is upsetting for you. reading it though, it wasn't anything abnormal. i dont think it was rape. they stopped when you asked. poppers is normal. picking guys up at a bar is normal. threesomes are normal. im not trying to demote your feelings because obviously they are very strong and you are emotionally raw. but taking this out episode out of "surivivor land" and recounting the events that happened, its just another night in gayopolis. if you are trying to find non sexual friends, maybe try other places other than bars. bars=sex.

Well Jarrad,
I happen to believe and actually know there are many gay people who are extremes behaviorally and to "minimize" this by reducing it to just another night in gayopolis justifies the situation in a number of ways. It justifies using and taking advantage of others by feeding them booze and poppers and possibly booze with extasy mixed in for all we know. The fact is it is abusive and disrespectful.

When I say there are extremes of gay behaviors, I mean there are those who are out for as much sex as they can get and actually there are those who have other reasons for going to a bar. Maybe you have one reason but there are a lot more gay people who try using more than their sexual drive. I for one am trying to change.

To my mind, these guys that Logan described are not far from chicken hawks (guys that prey on youthful types). Logan describes himself as passable for 16-18 in spite of being 26.

After reading this response and your recent post where you witnessed a murder and then went to bed to safely and wisely protect yourself almost makes me think you are still numb and not in touch with how affected others can be. You said you had sex with the guy and went numb. I say this with all due respect Jarrad but frankly, I disagree with that statement that recounting the events that happened, it's just another night in gayopolis.
It certainly shows no connection to Logans pain. I think it is counterproductive. If you realize this is upsetting, where is the aknowledgement of Logan in that message?


Getting kids or percieved kids so high they become incoherant and then shoving amyl in their face as well as to use demeaning language as Logan described, may be sadly "normal" and ok to you but it was a trigger for him. If you want to reduce everything in and about bars to sex that is your choice. I used to buy that but it is not always the case. Regardless, that is not the point of my post that you replied to.

I think Logan was absolutely right and very wise and fortunate to get out of that sitaution.
Dan

Dan, I completely agree with your last line;



And while I generally agree with the rest of your post, I have to also agree with Jarrad to a certain extent. Logan went out looking for something and got more than he bargained for.

Logan, I'm not minimizing how traumatic this must have been for you. Jarrad's point was that for some other guys it might have been a turn on. I'm very glad you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and say "NO!" - that shows you have maturity and self worth. The fact that the guys stopped shows that they were not rapists. Sure one of them was a jerk, but the other one actually seemed concerned that they had offended or hurt you. I hope you take a lesson from all this, but not the one offered by Pain4ever that all gay guys are like that. We are not, and I am offended by the suggestion.

Bad people happen. Shit happens. I'm proud of you for taking control and demanding your boundaries be respected. That's the lesson I Hope you learned from this.

Best wishes,

Lazarus

dan, i said clearly to logan in my post "im not trying to demote your feelings because obviously they are very strong and you are emotionally raw." and was adding another perspective.

and my experiences do not belong in this thread. if you would like to discuss them further, please start another thread.

logan is 26 (older than me). not a kid. there was consentual sexual activities that got too intense and were stopped when asked. that's the black and white of it. i realize that to logan that this was tramatic. and i am sorry for that.

logan, i hope that you will one day be able to find real friends that you are searching for. everyone deserves that.

Jarrad,
Your response appears that it was to me as it is says re me. And your reply starts , "I realize this is upsetting to you." Jarrad, I take issue with your quote that says "but taking this out episode out of "surivivor land" and recounting the events that happened, its just another night in gayopolis."

Jarrad, that statement is opposite of why we come here. The events gay men experience in "gayopolis" are often repeating the events and re-traumatize a survivor". Calling this "survivorland in context of the thread sounds like this is a joke. This is hard work and to me you sounded as if tou trivialized this....that may not be your intent but how it came off to me.

To my mind, minimizing, trivializing or normalizing threesomes, excessive alcohol, demeaning language, and saying gay bars=sex is taking a pass on abuse and manipulation. All I could think of that you were numb or perhaps are numb.

I was reminded of the last post I read by you and personally saw a direct association to numbing. The post is public and both your de>