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#154964 - 05/08/07 12:24 AM Dave is his name (*triggers*)
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Dave is his name,
He's so refined,
And a psychologist as well.
I am amazed at him,
What he is, what he does,
What he says, how he says it,
What he gives me,
Everything about Dave is right.
He's a world I never knew,
And he invites me in
To his world,
So I come in.
It is so gradual,
So very, very gradual,
And I am such a broken boy.
He knows it,
But he doesn't have to ask,
And I don't tell,
It's written on my forehead:
"Fuck this broken boy."
We become close, very close,
I trust Dave, so much,
I want him to be what I need,
"Please be what I need, Dave."
See this thing between us,
It's gathering steam now,
"Do you like rear entry sex?" he asks,
"Have you ever done it like that?"
I don't care what he says,
I just want him to be
What I need.
All the others weren't what I needed,
But, Dave, oh, I think Dave....
He puts his arm on my shoulder,
As we sit in his shop,
He asks about my day, my friends;
He knows I have none,
They always go away,
But he asks anyway.
It makes me see how much
I need Dave.
"Here's some reading material,"
Says Dave,
And I see women, naked women,
Dave must really like me;
And I like Dave.
I'm totally broken down now,
It's all set to begin,
I won't tell,
Because I have no one to tell.
But now Dave goes away,
Far away, leaving me,
And I thought he was what I needed.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#154966 - 05/08/07 12:41 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11114
Loc: Denver, CO
Eddie,

I can relate with what happened in my late teens, having someone fill a need in me, even if it wasn't right. I know it didn't feel good at the time, but I'm glad Dave went away from you before he hurt you.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#154973 - 05/08/07 02:03 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: FormerTexan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

I remember. Wanting it all to be true, needing so bad for it to be true. But it never was, right? Like Andy says, I'm so glad he took off before a hurt even worse began for you. But I wonder if that helps 14-year-old Eddie much. Hold onto him and help him see these bad days are over for good.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154977 - 05/08/07 05:06 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: roadrunner]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Eddie.

I also identify with your poem. Ditto to all the above comments.

"And I thought he was what I needed".
That one struck a chord with me. Only difference is I believed him for so long.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

Top
#155309 - 05/09/07 04:12 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: pietie]
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
(((Eddie)))

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#155382 - 05/09/07 09:43 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: Bobby]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Thank you, guys. I appreciate your support. It really means a lot to me to know that you hear me. I'm going to continue this poem on in a follow up post, because I feel like I have some more I need to say through it.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#155394 - 05/09/07 10:50 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
(continued)

...
But now Dave goes away,
Far away, leaving me,
And I thought he was what I needed.
Shame rises,
Shame at what I
would have done,
could have done,
might have done,
For Dave.
Shame for liking it
when Dave told me
I was good looking.
Funny, I thought Dave meant
the way that girls would think
a boy was good looking.
But I knew I wasn't good looking.
Stupid, broken boy -
Why were you so stupid?
Could you really not see
what Dave wanted?
Or did you not care?
Dave was the goal,
Dave will like you,
Dave will be
what you need him to be.
But now he's gone.
You're empty again,
just like all the times before.
"Dave, Dave, Dave."
He's in my head a lot,
Why did Dave leave me?
What was wrong with me?

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#155833 - 05/12/07 04:20 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
....continued....

"Dave, Dave, Dave."
He's in my head a lot,
Why did Dave leave me?
What was wrong with me?
So many things I wanted for
Dave to be.
"Dave, will you be my father?
Will you love me, be kind to me?"
I don't think my father loves me,
I know he doesn't like me.
So many things I wanted for
Dave to be.
And I'll be whatever
Dave wants me to be.
I don't care
what he says, or
what he asks, or
what he does, or
what he wants me to do,
I need to focus on Dave.
All of it,
is a small price to pay
to have Dave be what I need
Dave to be.


_________________________
Eddie

Top
#156155 - 05/14/07 06:52 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
EGL Offline
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MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
....continued....

"Hey, Dave - FUCK YOU!"

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#156208 - 05/14/07 11:54 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Like the last line. Like it a lot. \:\)

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#156503 - 05/16/07 01:59 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
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Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

Hey Little Bro, there was nothing wrong or stupid about you, and whatever was broken wasn't broken by you:

Originally Posted By: EGL
"Dave, will you be my father?
Will you love me, be kind to me?"


Eddie you were 14. These two lines come from a boy who was in the deepest darkest hell imaginable for a kid that age. What could be worse than to feel you weren't lovable or special or important, not even at home?

You have done nothing to be ashamed of. You have fought back against so much and regained so much. It's a truly amazing and inspiring thing to be with you on your healing journey.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#156567 - 05/17/07 12:20 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Thanks, Bobby and Larry. I appreciate you so much.

_________________________
Eddie

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#156765 - 05/17/07 09:51 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
EGL Offline
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Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: EGL
....continued....

"Hey, Dave - FUCK YOU!"


Sorry, Dave, I didn't mean that.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#156790 - 05/18/07 01:04 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
EGL Offline
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Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
A good friend from here e-mailed me this evening and asked if there was something more about Dave that I felt like I needed to say, but was having trouble with. There is, on several levels.

I've stated elsewhere how that I first met Dave when I was about 10. My older perp brother met him about that same time as well. When I was 12, my brother started his sexual abuse of me. So here is what's been on my mind -- I'm wondering, of course, whether Dave got to my brother and abused him, which is why my brother then started in on me. It doesn't seem to be out of the realm of possibility for me. And perhaps even more importantly, I'm wondering if my brother steered Dave towards me in order to get Dave to leave him alone. I can just imagine my brother saying "Dave, I have a little brother who will (___fill in the blank___)", since I was 14 when things with Dave started to get crazy. I know that probably sounds like crazy talk, but hey - my life has been crazy.

Other stuff in my head about Dave -- I liked Dave a lot, obviously, and still beat myself up pretty good for being in the situation I was with him. But there was the huge emotional vacuum of a father who wasn't a father. And I was wanting Dave to fill that role, so much so that I would have literally done anything to have him be that to me. Being that he was a psychologist by trade, I often wonder if he was able to read that in me, and I know that surely he must have been able to.

Some part of me is mad with Dave for the way he was playing me along, setting me up, and yet another part of me is still thinking that perhaps he could have been what I was hoping he would have been all along. But in reality I know that never could have happened.

O.k., enough rambling for now.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#156804 - 05/18/07 05:49 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

I know this isn't what your latest post is getting at, but I wanted to say first that even if Dave was abusing your brother Robert that doesn't give Robert a pass for what he did to you. This was no experimentation or "fooling around" between two curious boys. By the time he started on you he was old enough to know it was wrong and he used cruel tricks and threats to gain your compliance. He went on to betray you further in later years, and as I understand from you, even now he isn't sorry for what he did. That's an abuser and sociopath pure and simple.

I hadn't kept in my head the fact that Dave was a psychologist. You're right - he could probably read "lonely emotionally starved boy" all over you and made his move on that basis.

What strikes me as really important about your response to him is this:

Originally Posted By: EGL
Some part of me is mad with Dave for the way he was playing me along, setting me up, and yet another part of me is still thinking that perhaps he could have been what I was hoping he would have been all along. But in reality I know that never could have happened.


The part of you that still wishes Dave could have been a safe caring father figure for you is the Young Eddie part, and it's not difficult to imagine why he needs to hold onto this false hope. If the hope is utterly forelorn and if Dave was just interested in using and abusing Young Eddie, then Eddie figures he's stuck with the possibility that he didn't deserve a safe loving father figure at all, not even an adopted one. He's left with the idea that maybe he was just worthless and an abuse magnet.

I think young Eddie will cling to his false ideas about himself and about Dave - and they are TOTALLY false - until you can convince him that he was a deserving boy after all. Deserving of love, affection, attention, respect, friendship, the whole shebang. Once he really believes that none of what happened to him was his fault or his failing, I bet he will be more willing to let go of his false hopes and his feelings for Dave.

This was the ultimate betrayal, Eddie. Dave could see what a state you were in and what your needs were. Instead he saw this as an opportunity to exploit you for his own entertainment, knowing what that would do to you as a boy and later on as a man. I think in time Young Eddie will see this as clearly as you do.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#156857 - 05/18/07 04:36 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
I want to start this by saying that I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way. I love each and every one of you guys like you are my own flesh, and I am so thankful to have each of you in my life. I think I must not be expressing myself on this thread very well to say what the outcome of all this was. If I sound emotional or bitchy or whatever, it's just me feeling frustrated with my inability to be understood. I know it's not that you guys don't "get it", but it's me that's not getting it across somehow.

I hear comments like "I'm glad he didn't hurt you" or "I'm glad he didn't do anything to you", etc. from different people. Those cut me in the gut. By the time Dave moved away, he had already mind-fucked me - so what if there was never any genital contact? That would have just been the last piece of the puzzle.

"didn't hurt me"? Really? Again, I know I'm not expressing well enough what was going on, and I guess my frustration is flowing from that. I want to be understood and feel like I'm just not making it happen. Hearing that I wasn't hurt makes my mind think: "Then WTF was all that???" Yeah, when he put his arm around me and held on to me, it made me feel creepy, yet I felt wanted at the same time. So the desire to feel wanted won out of the feeling of creepy.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a lunatic raving, and I'm sure it does, but this is a real big one for me. To me it doesn't matter that Dave never took it all the way; at the point he had gotten me, it didn't really matter anymore whether he did or didn't. I was just as fucked either way.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#156858 - 05/18/07 04:54 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
FOLLOWUP: I think what makes Dave every bit as bad (and I actually think WORSE) than the ones before him is that it didn't even have to get to genital contact for him to make me feel about myself the way he did. All he had to do was the "foreplay", so to speak, and I ended up feeling like the slutty, whore boy I knew I was.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#156908 - 05/18/07 11:34 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

Even though it didn't go as far as sexual contact you were still utterly betrayed by this guy. He led you on for reasons that were all about him, never about you. I think this is worth stressing, because, as before, you were the victim here. All you wanted was what every boy wants - and needs. For all the rest he is to blame, and somehow Young Eddie the 14-year-old needs to know this and believe it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#166748 - 07/15/07 02:41 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Thank you, Larry. I came back and read through this entire thread again tonight. Why, I don't know. It's a couple of months old, but that doesn't matter, it's still on my mind. The shame is gone (Thank God), but I'm still feeling something unfinished about this, and needed to reread it to see if I can understand it better. I had to sit here and think for a while, asking myself "What is it about this that is still bothering me?" I guess the closest thing I can come up with is that I feel used and fucked over.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#166762 - 07/15/07 07:14 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

I wrote my last comment on this thread the day before I left for San Francisco, and it's interesting to look back at this now that I have returned. It took the experience of actually going back for me to understand that what happened to me there was abuse, not me making bad decisions and whoring around. In looking at what was going on my central thought was that I was 20, so old enough to keep myself safe. I wasn't forced into what he wanted, and I could have left at any time. In fact, as I think I told you once, I used to stop in one of those little mission places and offer a little prayer to God - assuming he was listening - that I wouldn't get hurt that night as bad as he had hurt me the previous night. I was sick with fear, sure, but I still walked back into the inferno every single time. It was my decision, my thinking went, so the consequences must be my fault.

But now I can see it more clearly, thanks not only to my experience of seeing the city again and going to a lot of places that had been relevant to me back in 1969, but also following up on opportunities to talk to guys like you and another friend who had had experiences that were somehow similar to mine.

It comes back to a phrase you and I trade back and forth a lot: broken boy. It's not just that we had been abused and had no boundaries any more, Eddie. I can look back and recall so clearly how helpless, lost and worthless I still felt, even at the age of 20. All he had to do was hit on me and call me "lovely boy", like the abuser of my childhood had done, and the house of cards came crashing down.

We have a tendency to think that as we grew older the wounds of our childhood should have healed somehow, at least on such basic points as keeping ourselves safe from predators. So it hurts to look back and recall how easily we fell apart again at an older age, or, in your case, could have fallen apart.

But our key to healing and understanding, I think, is again those two words: "broken boy". How could the wounds have healed? Was there anyone we could talk to? Was there anything we could have done to face things ourselves back then? How could we have healed, in just a few years, from something that devastates boys to the extent that sexual abuse does?

We were used and fucked over, Eddie, but that wasn't because of any failing on our part. We were doing the best we could with the feeble tools and resources we had as wrecked abused kids.

Since returning from San Francisco I have struggled a lot with all those memories, and I think what has troubled me the most has been the fact that at the age of 20 I was still so defenseless. I think that's the right word - "defenseless", since it suggests the idea that I should have put up the defenses, but didn't. Does that sound familiar?

But I am beginning to see that there's no failing here, nothing for which I should blame myself. I think it's okay that we were still defenseless as older teens or even into our 20s. Terrible damage had been done to us, and we were just walking testimony to how enduring that harm can be. It wasn't our fault.

In your case I recall what you said in your post on the "Our Secret Doors" thread about how Dave recognized your brokenness and used it against you. That's a pretty massive act of betrayal - he had known you for years! Shouldn't his response have been to nurture and protect you? Instead, he groomed you. What a bastard.

But your memories about Dave must be the memories of Little Eddie, right? So memories of what appeared to be a pretty great guy, the father figure and role model you needed back then. To see how wrong all your ideas really were must be a terrible blow, and I think it would be natural if there are lingering thoughts like, "Maybe I didn't deserve to be safe" or "Maybe he just recognized what I was really like". Again, the broken boy hanging onto his hopes about Dave and preferring to blame himself rather than admit there was no father figure, no role model, not ever - just a predator waiting to strike.

Right there is a week's worth of tears, bro! But the truth is there as well. You really were that defenseless, and that was okay. And Dave really was a selfish bastard, and all the grooming, trickery and false friendship were his fault and his crime. It looks to me like he worked pretty hard for the blame here, Eddie. Why not just let him have it - ALL of it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#166911 - 07/15/07 11:54 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Larry, that's a really good point you made about "How could the wounds have healed? Was there anyone we could talk to? Was there anything we could have done to face things ourselves back then? How could we have healed, in just a few years, from something that devastates boys to the extent that sexual abuse does?"

I think that before we all began our healing process (which for me was just 3 years ago), we were still broken men as well. Trying to muddle through life using whatever coping mechanisms we could come up with, but still - broken men. The broken boy we were as children simply matured physically into a broken man.

And you're right about Dave - instead of grooming me, he should have seen and recognized the tale-tell signs of abuse (since he was, after all, a psychologist) and done something to nurture and protect me.

You said:

Quote:

But your memories about Dave must be the memories of Little Eddie, right? So memories of what appeared to be a pretty great guy, the father figure and role model you needed back then. To see how wrong all your ideas really were must be a terrible blow ... the broken boy hanging onto his hopes about Dave and preferring to blame himself rather than admit there was no father figure, no role model, not ever - just a predator waiting to strike.


I think what you said above is what's really bothering me about Dave. I sooooo wanted him to be what I needed, and when it was apparent that he wasn't that, then it was like I was in denial because I didn't want the dream to end. And looking back now, it's like I somehow want it to still be what I idealized it as - him being the father I needed. I think that's what bothers me about my first wife, Cheryl, as well. Since she was that perfect angel bride that I married, and then ended up commiting numerous adulteries....it's like I want all that to somehow not be true, and that somehow she would really be what I thought she was.

I guess I have a problem with not wanting to accept reality when people I have held up to such high ideals turn out to be something else. Like you said, it's Little Eddie holding onto memories and not wanting to let them go.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#167025 - 07/16/07 07:37 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

Originally Posted By: EGL
it's Little Eddie holding onto memories and not wanting to let them go.


Don't our little guys do that out of a need to feel safe? They need something they know - something tangible - to rely on. Remember all the fantasy games we played when we were boys? Remember how absolutely real the games seemed.

I think what the little ones need now is for us to take them by the hand and show them that the real world can be safe for them as well. They don't need to invent an imaginary refuge or cling to illusory images anymore. They can trust us to lead them in a healthy way and watch over their boundaries for them.

As they become more confident of that I think their need for the old false images will fade. They will always regret how terribly they were betrayed, sure. But they will then be able to walk away from the liars and betrayers and seek their safety and comfort in places where there really is safety and comfort to be found.

Just some thoughts, bro.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#222381 - 05/04/08 12:02 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
I'm resurrecting this poem from last year because I have some more I want to add to where I left off with it last summer. A couple of important things have happened since then. One, is that I have found out that I was actually 16 instead of 14 when this came to a conclusion with Dave. I was able to determine that by the release date of an album that I knew Dave had, which was 1977, so I would have been 16 then. I'm still pretty sure he was in his early to mid 30s at that time. Second, is that I disclosed to some close friends about the events of the end of all this, and I want to go deeper into writing about the relationship with Dave, where it went, and my feelings behind that.

Here's where I left off last summer, and I've modified it a little. I'm going add some more beyond the '...'

(*continued from above*)
So many things I want for
Dave to be.
"Dave, will you be my father?
Will you love me, be kind to me?"
I don't think my father loves me,
I know he doesn't like me.
So many things I want for
Dave to be.
And I'll be whatever
Dave wants me to be.
I don't care
what he says, or
what he asks, or
what he does, or
what he wants me to do,
I need to focus on Dave.
...
My insides are blind,
But Dave, you are what I need.
I want to be your desire,
Your need,
To fullfill whatever you want,
I want to be needed by you.
Can you say you need me, too?
You touch me but I don't care,
At least you aren't hitting me
like the father does.
Your touch feels good,
different,
not like those before,
and I'm glad to make you happy.
Red wine flows,
much like my shame that comes later,
but today we are together,
you and I,
let it flow.
You touch me more,
invading my clothes,
dropping them,
helping yourself,
my body is there to serve you.
All done now,
I wonder if it will change anything.
And it does.
I hate myself for becoming
like the ones before,
I hate myself for "receiving",
instead of "giving".
But Dave goes away,
takes his wife and kids,
and moves away from me.
I tried to be
what he needed me to be.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#222384 - 05/04/08 01:06 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Eddie. I can so relate to this. I read through all of this Thread and I too was astonished that someone would think you did not get hurt badly by Dave. I got it. I soooo understand that need that you have. I say have because I suspect it is still there after all these years like mine is.
I was talking to Jarrad in chat and happened to mention "prostituting" myself for acceptance, love and approval. He stated that we obviously have different definations of that word. I laughed because I do not think the definations are that far off. I would have sold my body, and actually did, for a little love and comfort. A "father figure" if you will. Just to hear some one say those three little words.
I do not go as cheap nowadays. I have learned. I am hoping you have too.


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#222387 - 05/04/08 01:30 AM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: Freedom49]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Thanks, Roger. Finally admitting that there had indeed been a sexual relationship between Dave and myself was difficult for several reasons. Mainly, it has been shame. Another is because it is just so hard for me to put words together in a way that can adequately describe the whole thing. I still have trouble even putting my finger on what it is about this whole thing that troubles me so.

_________________________
Eddie

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#222459 - 05/04/08 01:36 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

As I have already said to you privately, you were a teenager trying to get his needs met - that's all. It was up to Dave to make sure the proper boundaries stayed in place, but he didn't do that. Indeed, look at his slick moves: porn, wine, leading sexual questions. All that was aimed at letting you know that the support you needed was going to come at a price, and that it was okay to pay this price.

You weren't in a position to make solid balanced decisions for yourself Eddie. All you knew was that you needed to be special and lovable for once. Who can blame you for that? The shame here is all Dave's.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#222549 - 05/04/08 11:33 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Thanks, Larry. I've been thinking about this a lot today, and how I was seeing Dave as such a father figure. And that led me to thinking about why that was, and that obviously points back to my own father. I think I'm going to try and write out a letter to my father and see where that takes me. As I've said in the past, my relationship with my father is just dead, and I feel nothing for him. So maybe this is something I need to work on to resolve this as well.

_________________________
Eddie

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#223085 - 05/07/08 04:31 PM Re: Dave is his name (*triggers*) [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

Your poems are just full of a boy's aching need for Dave to be the caring male role model you so desperately wanted - and deserved!

If you can write a letter to your father I think that would be great. Whether or not you give it to him makes no difference; just getting your feelings down in a visible form will help a lot, I bet.

Or what about a poem? You are comfortable using verse and many of your poems are so full of passion and honest emotion. Perhaps that would be the way to go.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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