i need to be straight forward and just say this - don't place 'judgement on it' if you would -

just - does anyone find - with all the worry of fending off - bad stuff to keep life going - the bills and household too

and then -

trying to keep bad people out of your life - or danger fears/

and understand the upset and triggers -

does anyone have time for love - relationships or physicality ?

when i was in TO - i was just decorating - and taking care of life -


I had phsycality - but it was like - only that - i wasn't ready for 'love'

now - to have relationships - it's so complex and exhausting -

i am mostly - reeling - from dealing with the fallout from assholes -

and mostly protecting myself -

who has time for this? -

hopefully once i start work again - i'll have a pattern to give some time -

to it

maybe - i don't have to make it complex - if someone is a creep

get them out of your life -

and keep the good ones in -

so maybe it's more of a head trip than necessary

Mark,

I think the answer to your question is that we find time in our lives for the things that really matter to us, or for other things that enable us to avoid facing the things that really matter to us. We just have to be clear which we are doing. It sounds to me like you are making good progress in figuring this one out. Please advise me when you do!!!! This has always been a terrible problem for me.

Much procrastinating,
Larry

larry - i am so angry right now - after reading alexander's post -

it's triggering a landslide of other memories - i think i should go out for a walk

because - i am closing in on the idea - of throwing everything out.

and saying good bye to everyone!


if i don't feel anything - or connect - it would be that purposeful version of something i did - unconsciouslly as a child -

it's a tough time - as survivors- we connect here with similiar reticence and injuries -

and then sadly - are injured further - by each other - as well as the folks outside

life is abuse it seems - i feel it's all shit right now - and nothing nobody is worth it -

it's like filling an hourglass from the top -

what's the point.

sorry - this was very indulgent -

i am very dissapointed in a lot of things and people - i think we each have to struggle to make the life we want - i am sad.

i want to tell certain people to fuck off - and i want to leave this place -

sell everything and just make a peaceful life for myself if modest -

painting drawing photographs and helping people.

i don't want to hear anymore promises anymore.

no more seductions - just put up or shut up - and get beyond bullshit.

i am aiming to make a life - not a show.

and maybe that is it larry. that we can belly ache and scream -

and that is fine good and necessary -

but we each need to choose the life we can live with -

and find the truth with in ourselves. of maybe where we belong

of how we see ourselves - and where we would like to be. and how we can get there.

there are sacrifices always in each of our choices.

however - i suppose if we resolve what those are within ourselves

and move ahead with those in mind - then quite possibly coming to terms with negotiating our lives comfortably is just that.

my personal challenge is learning to feel safe enough - or come to becom practiced

in thinking very far into my future - any personal fantasy was discouraged by the people who raised me - as you can imagine - but the anger never went away -

and when i did venture out on my own - i became so frustrated at my lack of life experience - that - i would start to even discourage myself

to dream of anything - too involved - or in any invovled kind of way.

i need to learn to manage dissapointment and stick on track.

whether a goal is for another person - that one seems very very painful.

maybe a jack russel terrier is best.