I'm here! Please take this safe hand-hold.

Post deleted by krayoss

yeah, so... thanks for replying everyone.
Like said before i go mostly from feeling nothing to panicattack and back.. I keep waking up in a panic after a hour sleep or a few hours of sleep.
I did start chemo monday. It has to be done anyway. No use in pushing it forward a bit more.. it has already been pushed forward 2 weeks or so cause i was sick.. and i would only been stuck in this hospital even longer then anyway..
Hopefully in a couple of months at least this sh*t is over and done with... I hope..
I just, i hate this... Everyone wants to talk to me, ask me stuff, police, hospital shrink, youthcare, everyone asks me all of the time 'how do you feel' and stuff like that. "well what do YOU think?!? Quit asking me stupid questions...
I understand that they are trying to help... but it doesn't really help... Try telling them that though..
I just hate it that i'm stuck in this hospital for another 3 weeks... I hate lying in this bed being able of nothing besides read, watch tv, internet.. I hate feeling this weak and tired and helpless and dirty and.. I could go on and on... I can't even take a walk if i'd wished to cus those legs just won't carry me anymore. I hate it that people have to touch me to do their job even if it's just my arm or something.
I'm sorry for ranting like this... It's not like I can change those things anyway..

Alexander

Alex, you need to keep strong, and you can tell them all to back off for a while.
They DONT know what you are going through, none of them.

See if you can get out in a wheelchair, then at least you
can get some fresh air.
We just want you safe on the other side of this,

ste

Hey, Alex --

Don't be afraid to ask us for what you need, too--we'll understand, whatever it is.

"Hang out in chat for a while, but don't ask me how I'm feeling."
"Tell me some really bad jokes."
"Talk to me about something else."
"Give me some advice/Don't give me any advice."

Whatever you need.

David

Alexander,

It's okay to rant and say you're fucking pissed off and fed up. That's exactly the kind of thing it's not good to keep bottled up inside. When people at the hospital ask you how you're feeling this is what they're inviting you to talk about.

If you can't walk around much and that upsets you, just say so and ask if they can get you outside at least to catch some sun and fresh air. You're right: it sucks being stuck inside like this and for such a long time.

Most especially, Alexander, SAY something if people are touching you and you don't like it. They WILL understand and try to be more gentle with you. I still do that, bro. When I see new doctors who don't know me, I just tell them I'm a survivor of CSA and I feel uncomfortable being touched or crowded by people I don't know or trust yet. In every case the doctors were glad I told them and things were a lot better for both of us.

It's all about knowing you have a right to be respected and treated well, and learning to ask for what you need. I can imagine this may sound like a lot of new-age crap, but it really is important.

Much love,
Larry

get it out...............Alexander the great.............let everyone hear you...................wish i had some way to just make it all go away for you......sorry as i dont.....please be kind to your self........and look to your future..........................................steve

I still keep waking up in panics... Some days more often then others... As i sleep a LOT it happens a lot... I nap a lot.. But like I said I keep waking up in a panic.
I get a lot of nightmares again, too.

And then when I do wake up I don't want to go back to sleep again, so I exhaust myself by going into chat or something.
Everything to not have to sleep and get more nightmares, everything to not be alone whit just me and my thoughts.

Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and die... It would be so much easier.. o well.

Alexander

Hey, Alexander -

Sorry that's still happening! Can you think of any "levers" you have--things that you can do that help you feel safer? What makes it get better or worse?

David

alexander,

sorry about the panics. you will be ok.