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#169786 - 07/30/07 09:53 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: sweet-n-sour]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks S-n-S !!!!! I feel great about it! Again had to unwrap myself from my husband who is still trying to suck me back in, but I'm not falling for it. HE needs to fix himself and he has to do it all on his own now. Cruel sounding but he mistreated me when I was "hanging in there" for him, so now he has to travel that path on his own.

Gabrielle - I had not read the entire thread, so when I responded I did not realize that your husband had left. A few thoughts for you. I know it's hard but everyday it will get better. I played mind games with myself at one point "was it really all that bad?" - yes it was and going back to that life is NOT an option.

You said that your daughters life will be turned upside down because he's gone - her life WAS upside down when you were together. Believe me, she was not shielded by what was going on in the home, she knew.

Stay tough and stay firm - YOU CAN DO IT!!!! I swear you can. Proceed forward for you and your daughter and build a healthy life for yourselves. If you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for your daughter. Give her the tools to break the chain of abuse, don't let that be her legacy.

Get yourself in a good support group and get counseling for your daughter. Don't worry too much about how your going to afford your house, pay bills etc., that all seems to fall into place. I was and still am unemployed when my husband was arrested - it has all started to fall into place for me. If it hadn't, leaving our home would have been hard but my sons and I would be together and that's all that matters - the material things are just that - material.

Believe me, I went through it all. I'm now to the point that I'm excited about life and rebuilding for me and my sons. I'm in a great support group through my church called Celebrate Recovery which is a national program if your interested. It focuses on RECOVERING for ME. Nothing to do with him and his issues. It gets to the root of the problem so I don't repeat any of this ever again.

Be tough and be strong girl!!! I know you can do it - YOU are worth it. So is your daughter. We'll help each other get through it!!

Day by day and today is good!!!!

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#169810 - 07/30/07 10:54 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: sweet-n-sour]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear SMF,
All I can say is, Wow. You write with great clarity and directness about what you have gone through and what your plans are. I admire your courage in facing up to your situation and taking action to change it. I wish you and your sons all the best in moving ahead.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#169811 - 07/30/07 10:58 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: sweet-n-sour]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Gabrielle,
I will put you and your daughter in my prayers.
Meanwhile, it sounds like you are sad and weary but resolute. Good for you for getting help. It does not have to stay this difficult; things can improve. You are on the right path.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#169872 - 07/30/07 02:31 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: honey girl]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Honey Girl !!!!

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#323845 - 03/02/10 08:49 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: savemyfam]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10
Hello to All,

I haven't been here in such a long time. It is sobering to think that we have been going through more of the same. There hasn't been any more sexual assault and there has been one pushing me down incident over the past few years. But the up and down roller coaster has still been going on.

I moved out with my daughter and we are living at a temporary place.

My husband and I are going to Imago couples counseling with an amazing therapist who challenges him and does amazing work. Well, she makes us do amazing work.

I have been reading the book "Why does He do That?" and I have a much higher standard. The book is very insightful about bad counseling that encourages abuse and I think that the counseling we have is useful regardless of our commitment outcome.

However I am still sleeping with him. This might not be a great boundary but the connection reminds me of why I should bother to keep trying. That is not the only reason- I see him try and change. He takes care of me when I am sick.

But of course I am confused. I don't know how this will end.

When I am hopeful we make plans to live together again. But I realize that he is not ready.

He is not going to counseling.

However another development is that his mother has told me that his sister sexually assaulted by 20 years by her father- starting as an infant. I believe this is true for all the kids to a certain extent.

I am going to counseling. But I am at a low point. Earlier someone wrote about my self-esteem=sandcastle with an incoming tide. That is correct.

This is disjointed but I will post later. It is good for me to write this stuff down. Should I choose hope and love and compassion...and if so for whom and are they mutually exclusive?

-Gabrielle


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