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#148772 - 04/04/07 09:08 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Gabrielle,

I read through this thread and, to be honest, I am just aghast. Please forgive me if I come across as too blunt.

This whole deal is just so dysfunctional, girl, and in every conceivable way. I mean, where can one even start? Your home is supposed to be safe and secure without a "safety plan", like an explosives factory would have. There's debate over who threw who through the glass, as if the topic is something as trivial as who was the last one to take out the trash. There's sex as often as 9 times a day, which must mean that on those days there's time for nothing else. No excess of violence is beyond the pale, so long as he is full of remorse afterwards. And on and on.

You say your friends are worried about your safety, and so am I. Gabrielle, it may be true that you two click in so many ways, and I don't doubt that he is sorry when he goes out of control. I also feel terrible that his abuse issues are wrecking his life this way. BUT...none of this excuses what's going on. He gets mad, pins your arms and throws you on the floor? You get thrown through the glass because you looked for a checkbook? He freaks and loses it because, as he prepares to bog off for who knows how long, you wonder how you will cope financially? He expects to have complete control in the relationship and you want to negotiate some flexibility in this arrangement? It's okay for him to disappear for a week, which HAS to cost money, but if you need a rolling book bag because of your back, that's a frivolous expense?

I wouldn't mind if you tell me back off asshole you don't even know me, but hey Gabrielle, this is all bullshit from beginning to end. Every line of your post cries out with unmet needs and disregarded feelings, and what you seem to be doing is this: you are accepting all this, deriving satisfaction from minor validating victories, and fleeing from the terrible situation you are in by focusing on HIS needs.

Perhaps worst of all is the way the image of your daughter hovers on the margins of your post, pretty much as she must hover on the fringes of everything that's going on at home. The way all this must be affecting her doesn't seem to be all that significant in the picture you are painting.

I am so glad you are doing things to better and improve yourself, but it still looks to me like you and your daughter are in a very dangerous situation. There isn't a reason in the world why ANY woman should tolerate a man laying hands on her or treating her in the ways that seem to be the norm in your case. The whole situation seems to be eroding your sense of self-worth and esteem like a sand castle in the tide, as if somehow it's your lot in life to live like this or act as house manager through all this mess. What about Gabrielle's needs as a person, as a partner, as a mother, and as a woman?

Trish is right, in my opinion. This is all the stuff that classic abuse scenarios are made of. And what's especially concerning is the fact that if decisive steps aren't taken to pull out of the tailspin it just gets worse.

My apologies Gabrielle - I know this isn't what you want to hear. But I think it's what you need to hear and I hope you will understand I only mean to express sincere concerns.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#149116 - 04/05/07 03:50 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: roadrunner]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10
Roadrunner,

I am glad that you replied. I posted here to hear different views and I don't just want folks echoing what I am thinking.

After reading your post, I just want to start saying "but, but...". And list off things that lesson or negate your point. I don't want to be knee-jerk defensive.

I do think that my partner has not been fairly represented by my posts. Due to complexity and time, I have not written about how my husband has been very supportive of me in the past, and even sometimes now. Also you are not hearing about my faults at this time (not that this is any excuse for abuse).

Right now, I feel that this man has been treated very badly and seems to be going through a process of dealing with horrible events from his past. I am standing by him (while trying to take care of myself) because he is an amazing person and I love him.

Everyone makes mistakes. I am being firm that some mistakes can never happen again. Should I leave someone due to this time of facing incest abuse who has been so worthwhile in my life and our daughter's life? He has proven himself in the past in many many ways. Isn't marriage about seeing each other through even when things are difficult and complex?

Would the stereotype of an abused woman say the same thing? Probably, maybe, but I feel that I don't HAVE TO stay with him. I choose to. And with these choices, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I feel that I was choosing let go of my power before and I won't do that again.

None of the physical abuse happened when my daughter was in the house. I spend lots of happy time with her and she is well-adjusted, loving and she loves her life. She knows that Daddy is sad and she tries to comfort him. He lifts out of his depression somewhat around her. He spends a lot of time alone and working on a remodel job and sleeping now so she is not seeing him as much.

I will think about your post some more.

-Gabrielle


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#149126 - 04/05/07 04:52 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
gabrielle-

onet hing that was not mention is how when u were a kid u became used to abusive parent. this is how u grew up so you kno nothing different now. is this the life u want for your child as well they kno more than they let on.

i see this in my own life too, that is why I'm able to say this to u.

my older son's first gf was real mean to him. i telled him if she is being mean he needs to get out and find a nice girlfriend. funny how mom should listen t oher own words. survior of csa is not an excuse to be abusive to those around him. i kno this now.

kgm


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#149171 - 04/05/07 09:35 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: kgm]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Gabrielle,

Yes, it's difficult to present a complex and emotionally fraught situation clearly in a post on a website. I may also be misreading some things you say and putting them together wrong.

I would just urge you to look carefully at the situation: not only what he is doing, but also, and even more importantly, how you are reacting to it. In your second post, for example, you make these points:

1. He was always so wonderful in the past, and sometimes even now.
2. I have faults that cause him to react.
3. He has reasons for his behavior.
4. Everyone makes mistakes.
5. I'm not trapped; I CHOOSE to stay.
6. He has never hurt me when our daughter is at home.

All that may be true, but in many cases these are the classic arguments that a abused partner puts forward to avoid decisive action. It's the kind of stuff that an abused partner often looks back on and asked herself, "What was I thinking?"

I'm not suggesting you should take any particular course of action, but I do think it's important that you be absolutely clear, in your own mind, about what's really going on. If you take a look at the list I made here, for example, all of those six points could be used to justify or explain continuing bad behavior into the indefinite future.

I'm not saying that's what you are doing, but that's a question that does need to be asked. In suggesting that I'm not judging you in any way; I know how abuse can distort our ability to see and think things through as we might otherwise do very easily. I would just say again that your own needs and concerns, and the welfare of your daughter, can't be trumped at every turn by the fact that he has abuse issues.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151077 - 04/16/07 04:33 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: roadrunner]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10
I have been thinking a lot about what Roadrunner has been saying.

Things are very different for me then they have been in the past. I am going through many changes and so is my husband.

I looking at the situation as not coming to a clear conclusion. Things are in transition as both of us work on our issues individualy and together.

I am getting better at dealing with separation and being good to myself. Though my husband doesn't like many of the decisions that I have been making, he has had to accept that things are different now. I am going to take care of myself and that's the way it is.

The safety plan was recommended on other web sites that I have read on abuse. There have been no other incidents. He signed a statement that I wrote saying that if there was anything else physical he would leave and not come back until approved by his counselor. His counselor specializes in men and abuse.

Though he has 'reasons' for what he has done, they are not excuses and can not be used as such. He is still responsible for his actions. As am I.

Two other members of his family have confirmed or refered to sexual abuse going back two generations. It is terrible.

I am looking into my own history. I am writing and reading about child abuse.

I am going to think about all of this some more. I need some sleep though.


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#151084 - 04/16/07 07:55 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Gabrielle,

It sounds like you are both really making progress and I am so glad to see this. What strikes me as especially important is where you say this:

Originally Posted By: Gabrielle
I am getting better at dealing with separation and being good to myself. Though my husband doesn't like many of the decisions that I have been making, he has had to accept that things are different now. I am going to take care of myself and that's the way it is.


I think this is such an important foundation to build on, and I also think it will help your husband even if he doesn't see it that way for the time being.

Gabrielle, I can so sympathize with how it must affect you to discover more and more about his family history and to read about the horror that child abuse really is. It must seem like there can be no worse horror yet to discover, and yet, lo and behold, here comes another incredible story. But knowledge is power and the truth is out there whether we know about it or not.

I sometimes marvel at how our partners can find the courage and strength to face how our issues are impacting on them and on our families. I admire you all so very much.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154285 - 05/04/07 04:16 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: roadrunner]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

Things have gotten worse.

There was an incident where I was telling him that I needed to finish something and that I couldn't have sex yet. He went ahead even though he said he wouldn't.

He is saying that:
-I didn't say no
-He has never done this before
-He stopped when I started crying
-If it is true why am I still with him
-I am just using this to gain advantage of him in a divorce.
-Because I labeled this as sexual asault he just needs to protect himself.

I am moving out in a month.

A divorce is going to be a complete mess. I am so tired. I am so sad for us all, especially my sweet daughter.


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#154289 - 05/04/07 05:53 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Gabrielle I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a horrible situation.

As someone who has been in your position, please get away from him as soon as possible. What he did was attempted rape and now he's trying to deny it.

Is it possible for you to stay in your home and get him out? If not, get yourself and your daughter away at the very earliest opportunity.

Divorce will be messy and painful, but not as messy and painful as staying with a man who professes love yet treats you like a hooker.

CSA is horrendous, but it's absolutely no excuse or reason for him to behave in the way he has been.

My thoughts are with you and if you'd like to PM me, I'd be happy to share my experiences with you and suppport you through this unhappy time.

SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#154333 - 05/04/07 11:22 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: soapy bubbles]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Gabrielle,

I'm so glad SB was there with a reply for you early this morning. You need all the support you can get right now.

I am also glad that you are taking this step, and I reiterate what SB said about getting away from him ASAP. I would suggest that you not only get away, but that you go very far away.

My next-door neighbor was killed by her live-in boyfriend in 1997. I will never forget the screaming as she ran outside bleeding from multiple stab wounds, pounding on people's sliding glass doors, wanting someone to let her in. I will never forget the shouting as her "boyfriend" proclaimed he was not going to prison and would not be "another black statistic" and went back to stabbing her. Nor will I forget the three gunshots the police officer who'd arrived on the scene fired into his chest, the sirens of the ambulances taking both of them to the emergency room at 3 a.m., or the next three days with news vans stealing space in our parking lot, or the yellow tape around the crime scene.

I'm sorry to have had to tell you all these things, but she was my friend. She had a name, Tamara Williams, and she had two children. She was working on her teaching degree at the time. I felt guilty for weeks because I had seen her bruised and failed to warn her about Kevin, and I vowed I would never again fail to try to get an abused woman away from her abuser.

If I have scared you, that was my goal. I want you to get as far away as you can. I've seen how these things can end.

Protect yourself.

Much love,
Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#154339 - 05/04/07 11:51 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Chain Breaker]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Gabrielle,

I too, will reiterate what SB wrote. Beyond that, words fail me at the moment, but I can send a hug your way and remind you that we're all here for you. Please know that.

((((((Gabrielle))))))

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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