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#153118 - 04/27/07 06:48 PM BDSM- IS THIS THE TRUE ME?!?
webslinger Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 3
Hey all.

As I begin to work thru my sexuality issuses (and I hope this is the right board to post on) I realize that I have ALWAYS been turned on by humiliation, bondage, women having power over men and vice versa, spanking,etc.

For a loooooong time I have sort of ignored this. I mean, I masturbated to S&M pictures, read net porn about it,etc. and it really does feel like it's a part of me. How much a part? I dunno. I am not looking to live in a dungeon or anything but it's the humiliation and degredation aspects and the forced acknowledgement of my maleness that turns my crank. But here's the thing:

I am only recently discovering that I've got sexual issues I need to deal with. There was abuse in my house growing up to be sure, even if it was 'only' of the emotional type (and there was a TON of that, lots of shame around my body,sex,etc).

I have been married to an amazing woman for 11 years and we love each other very much. But she is not into S&M and she feels we've always lacked a sexual spark. I agree as I feel like I am not 100% in touch (hell, not even 10% in touch) with my sexual nature. I like women and all of my S&M fantasies are with women but I don't walk around the street and get turned on much my women (or men) most times. I walk around and am pretty sexually dead (but it is getting better).

So my question is this:

does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? I wonder as I heal and work thru my issues, will the BDSM fantasies fade as they are a symptom of my sexual trauma and as the trauma is released and I heal from it, the fantasies and desires fade? Or are these fantasies the true me and the issues I am dealing with- and why my sexuality is muted- is because I am not expressing and embrassing this side of myself?

I do find when I feel better about myself (working out, rest,meditation) and am relaxed, I don't NEED these fantasies at all and can be lost in the moment with my wife and my self and just be more....I don't know what the word is...but the word PURE comes to mind. I also find when I am more relaxed the S&M fantasies change to fantasies about women enjoying my body and enjoying my masculinity. There is still a hint of humiliation about it but it's also a hint of raw, sexual masculine power. Like I LIKE being this sexy being.

This is so confusing! I wish I could map out the brain and trace how my thoughts work and sort it all out!! \:\)

I want to make my marriage work so badly but I want to discover myself even more and I'm just wondering if anyone has any experience in this area.

Any advice? Am I even on the right board?!?

Webs



Edited by webslinger (04/27/07 07:02 PM)

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#153122 - 04/27/07 07:41 PM Re: BDSM- IS THIS THE TRUE ME?!? [Re: webslinger]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Webs, I spent a great deal of time on a message board on a BDSM site trying to figure out exactly what your trying to figure out. I'm still not there : ), sorry, but I did receive some advice that I thought was very educational to myself, I can't speak for you of course. What I came to discover was I was trying to retake control, by recreating it I could look at it again and again and maybe try to understand it if I had more info or experience. I understand your attraction to it, but I think I was mixing the two in together which just made it more confusing because BDSM was about two consenting adults not a recreation of abuse, so any similarities were just plain false. I think you might want to look at your problems outside of the BDSM world and once they are solved then you will be better able to decide whether it's the BDSM that you are looking for, rather than trying to understand your own sexuality through it.

I did find the site helpful and met some wonderful people but I also ran into major problems with some of them. The BDSM world is absolutely FULL of predators and I would just say be extremely careful if you think you want to take a look.

I'm nobody, so don't take what I say into too much account, I'm only giving you my point of view.

Be careful Webs

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#153123 - 04/27/07 08:24 PM Re: BDSM- IS THIS THE TRUE ME?!? [Re: webslinger]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi webslinger, Here is a web page I found, that may help.
If You Simply Must Use BDSM Scenes as Therapy The rest of that web site sexuality.org/ Has a huge amount of information on it. I don't get into BDSM myself, but some of the girls at Pandora's Aquarium did, so I looked that information up for them.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#153474 - 04/30/07 11:46 AM Re: BDSM- IS THIS THE TRUE ME?!? [Re: lostcowboy]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Hi webslinger,

No, this is, emphatically, NOT who you are. It seems to me that what we all should be seeking is healthy sexuality. Sexual activity or arousal that is based in shame cannot, by definition, be healthy. I think that BDSM stuff is probably part of the problem for you, and I'm sure it's not part of the solution. I think you should be seeking help in regard to the shame and degradation issues. Resolving them will be crucial to your healing.



Edited by Chain Breaker (04/30/07 04:23 PM)
_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#153520 - 04/30/07 02:27 PM Re: BDSM- IS THIS THE TRUE ME?!? [Re: Chain Breaker]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Chainbreaker, I agree with you mostly and I do think The BDSM world is not the place to be dealing with the issues we have. But I do think there are some very healthy and well adjusted people in that world. A few of them that I met were just as lost as we were when it comes to their sexuality and had searched all their lives to find a place that they felt they could belong and they did find it there and were very happy about that. They eventually could feel like they were no longer outsiders. ie: Transexuals, dominant women, submissive men, a-sexuals, the list goes on. While I think most of a survivors confusion about his sexuality comes from his assault, this is not always the case and I think it unfair that these people would still be on the outside looking in because of a (I'll say) confusion about what BDSM really is. It is far more than just "abuse" and would hope that you would be more open to others sexuality.

I'll say for myself I did eventually decide that it certainly wasn't what I was looking for, and I feel good about that decision. But it would be heartbreaking for me to think some of the people that I met there would still be alone and confused if it was not for that world. I did not recommend that webs go there, in fact I did warn against it, but I left that solely up to him with what I thought was an excellent warning to be extreamly careful. I think sexuality is too individual an issue to make a blanket statement about.

Hope we can still be friends Brother \:\)

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#153525 - 04/30/07 03:20 PM Re: BDSM- IS THIS THE TRUE ME?!? [Re: mogigo]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hello Chain Breaker, are you sure you read our posts before you wrote what you wrote? Mike, stated from his own experiences why one should not try to use BDSM to heal oneself. I agree with him, but I do not have the experiences to talk about why it is bad. So I went and found the web page that explains why you should NOT USE BDSM to heal one's self. Both Mike and me are in agreement with you on this! Next time please read the posts better, before stating that we are encouraging this form of activity!

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#153539 - 04/30/07 04:33 PM Re: BDSM- IS THIS THE TRUE ME?!? [Re: lostcowboy]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Hi, Clifford and Mike!

I apologize unconditionally for misstating what you were saying. I have edited my post to remove any characterization of your posts. Indeed, I should have read more carefully.

Clifford, my concern about what you were saying stemmed less from what you said than from what the website you linked said. While it does start out saying that using BDSM fantasies as therapy is usually a bad idea, it then has a long section telling someone how to do it. To me, that undermines the message. Even having read that entire page, I still felt that site was at least condoning this type of "therapy." Even having reread it, I still feel that the site comes across ambiguously. I'm sorry I misinterpreted your intentions.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#154056 - 05/02/07 10:44 PM Re: BDSM- IS THIS THE TRUE ME?!? [Re: webslinger]
chrispy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/14/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Missouri
Hey Webslinger, I share your problem.

Question: Do you think your BDSM fantasies and your abuse as a child are connected?

I have a mix of unusual fantasies and fetishes that I'm having to deal with too. My main problem is a fetish for the AB/DL community. Mainly DL or infantalism. I talked with a therapist (long story) about both and the fact that I broke up with the only girl I let in my life.

Anyways, we talked a little about the BDSM stuff, but she wasn't really a sex therapist. I have been trying to do alot of research on both the DiaperLover/BDSM community to see if other "like minded" people were abused in some way as a child, or, are just simply "kinky". Most of them have been abused or lacked some parental guidence in their life. I check out a podcast every now and again called Fetishflame. One of the interviews with a DL/Kinky couple brought up the fact that there are alot of BDSM players that are seeking abuse because they were also being abused as a child.

If I was married and had a wife that was understanding, I would first discuss the interest of fantasy sex, etc. If she is not interested (as you have already stated), then maybe go see a sex counceler together.

I seen interviews with professional Dominatrix's that included individuals as well as loving couples who are already into the scene or are just wanting to learn more. Most people think BDSM and SEX go hand in hand. It really doesn't, especially with a ProDom. Its sexual, but not sex. I know its different for everyone though. From what I've read, it seems most professional Dominatrix's like to see loving couples come in to learn more. Usually, they are very open. Again, my view comes from research of different interviews from podcasts, you-tube, and shows like real sex. There is a girl called Gloria Brame that has written alot on the subject. Its worth checking out.

As someone else mentioned, and I agree, its full of predators. Mainly men. If you feel you(and your wife, hopefully) need to know more, find professionals that can answer your questions. There are plenty of healthy, sane, and happy kinky couples around the world, so we can't stereotype them as all being bad.

When my relationship with my girlfriend was at its finest, I felt my need for diapers, etc. did go away. We had a great sexual relationship and was also adventureous. I told her about my sexual abuse and the fact that I'm sure thats why I had this thing for infantalism, but I didn't bring up the BDSM stuff. She was very supporting.

Unfortunatly, my ex-girlfriend is an attorney. She had several clients accused of child abuse and molestation. Talk about f***ing with your mind. I finally let someone into my life and pour my heart out for the first time and later realize they are being paid to defend child molesters. I had to go with her to celebrate getting 13 of the 14 accounts DROPPED against a guy who was sleeping with junior high girls. Needless to say, things didn't work out, even though I was trying very hard not to let my past ruin the relationship. Thats when I finally sought therapy. Which I wish I would have done several years ago.

If God exists, you can't say he doesn't have a sense of humor!




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