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#153866 - 05/02/07 01:41 AM I want to be free - trigger warning
somaticfilter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 15
Loc: New York
I don't know when it started exactly; I think I was around 6 years old the first time that he took me out behind the garage. I remember feeling uncomfortable at first but not being able to understand why; I had never had anyone touch me like that before. I had no frame of reference to work with.

As time bore on the abuse continued and became more intense, but he was such a good liar. Every time I tried to stop it he somehow convinced me it was okay. as I got older I began to have doubts. I asked him if doing those things made me gay, and he told me it didn't. it was just practice.

then I got a little bit older and I was no longer the fantasy for him that I was before. my voice began to deepen and I grew hair in unfamiliar places and I saw him less and less. Abandoned at the last, discarded like a toy that is no longer interesting; But the damage had already been done.

He may have forgotten me, but I have not forgotten him. He is my shadow through all my days. When I close my eyes I can feel him just behind me, telling me that everything is okay.

But it is not okay. I am not okay. I am battered and broken though the bruises and scars cannot be seen.

I have prayed to god for release from this hell.
As yet my prayers go unanswered.


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#153872 - 05/02/07 02:00 AM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: somaticfilter]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hi Friend,

Welcome to posting. I see you've been around a couple weeks or so already so you've probably read some and sort of know your way around. Glad you decided to post. Talking about it is the first step in ending the power it has over you. I'm so sorry those things happened to you. You are right. The lies and deceit follow us around dogging our days till the time when we get strong enough to reach out for help and find our voice. Keep talking, Friend.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#153874 - 05/02/07 02:02 AM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: somaticfilter]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Somaticfilter,

Welcome to Male Survivor! We have been waiting for you; I'm glad that you finally found us!

Unfortunately, all of us here can identify with your feelings. It's not fair that this happened to you, but you will find that you are in very good company. The men here are the strongest and most courageous men I have ever known. I'm sure you will fit in just fine here at Male Survivor!

Welcome!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#153875 - 05/02/07 02:02 AM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: somaticfilter]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
As long as you stay in the present moment you are free, so stay there, and allow the past be healed by the divine in you.

Hand over for your past and all its experiences and all its hurts for healing, and know that when you let go, you let God.

Love n Light

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#153878 - 05/02/07 02:39 AM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: somaticfilter]
somaticfilter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 15
Loc: New York
Thank you for your kind words.

I feel as though I'm suffocating

every day my breath gets shorter and shorter

I fear for my sanity.


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#153881 - 05/02/07 03:06 AM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: somaticfilter]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Welcome to the site.

It will get easier with time and remember : you did nothing wrong. Its not your fault!

Unfortunately the release from this hell, as you call it takes a bit of time. But you will get through it, you will win.

We are all here for you!!

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#153884 - 05/02/07 03:39 AM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: pietie]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
somaticfilter,

You are feeling the pain that every survivor feels as he looks back and realizes how terribly he was betrayed. It does get better, my friend, but in the meantime I hope you will stick with us for support.

This is such a great place and I'm so glad you found us. Find your own safe pace and way for using the site and all it has to offer. We will all be here for you and will try to help you any way we can.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#153887 - 05/02/07 04:03 AM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
somaticfilter,

I don't have much more to offer than a safe hug and a welcome. With the help of great people here and at home, I'm beginning to see which way is up...which way is out.

I do know this pain you speak of. I'm sorry you are experiencing it. I truly am.

Hang in there pal. We'll get out of this!

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#153890 - 05/02/07 04:49 AM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: somaticfilter]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I am sad that you have to go through this, but things would be better soon, just hang in there.

Love n Light

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#154165 - 05/03/07 01:20 PM Re: I want to be free - trigger warning [Re: somaticfilter]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
The pain of being rejected by your abuser as a child is much greater for a child, as that had become my only source of love in an otherwise empty, and loveless existence, it is most devastating rejection I ever went through.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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