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#153809 - 05/01/07 07:36 PM How To Deal
ScorpioRising94 Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/01/07
Posts: 6
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
I am a mother of two boys who were sexually abused by their father. I know this is a forum for men to express themselves and support each other, so I truly hope I am not intruding or offending any of you by posting.

My childern were silent about the abuse for a long time. I am so angry with myself for not "seeing it" before.
I'm sure the story is familiar to all of you, but their dad had told them that he would kill all of us if they ever told me what he was doing.

Years later, (5 years after I took them and left) they finally felt safe enough to tell me. I called DHS immediately.
In hindesite, I should have called the police and filed a report.

DHS investigated and confirmed oral/genital contact in addition to the physical and emotional abuse. And I immediately got my boys into sexual abuse counseling.

We live in Oklahoma. The DA would not prosecute and their father was not made to register as a sex offender.

As a result, the courts are forcing reconciliation between my boys and their dad. I have fought as hard as I can and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
My boys have told the judge, their attorney, and their counselor that they do not want any contact with their father, but the courts will not listen.

I know my children are feeling the same things all of you are and I don't know what else to do to help them.

Their counselor gives me advice, but she is a woman who has never been abused. So, I am asking any of you who read my post...

Is there any particular thing that you would have wanted your parent to say to you or is there anything they could have done for you?

Have any of you gone through a legal situation like this and can you offer any advice?

I have been writing legislaters trying to change/create laws - to no avail. I have contacted the Governor, Lt. Governor, and Attorney General and gone to give a speech at the Capital.
I don't understand why protecting children/people from abuse is so hard for the courts to do.
In Oklahoma, a biological parent has right to see his children no matter what he has done to them.

I am so proud of my boys for staying as strong as they can through all of this, but the court system is going to screw them up. How can they ever feel empowered when their voiced are not heard?

Know that I am with you on reform. Things need to change! I will do everything in my power to change not just my states laws, but federal law. Take care!

JD's Mom


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#153825 - 05/01/07 09:00 PM Re: How To Deal [Re: ScorpioRising94]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi again Scorpio,

What a horror! The courts screw up, badly sometimes. I manage a family law firm and see it quite frequently. The difference here is that your boys don't have the luxury of time for the Judge to figure out he's screwing up. Sadly, I'm involved in a case right now with similar circumstances and my boss is fighting like a crazy man to keep the little boy protected, not from his father, but from his father's other son, the boy's step brother.

Back to you - keep fighting and when you lose, fight again and again and again and again. If the court is forcing reconcilation, is there at least supervised visitation so that the boys aren't alone with their father? If not, push for that while the fight to terminate vistation goes on.

The biggest problem here is that if you don't obey the court, it's a guarantee that you'll be the one to get in trouble which can only work badly for the boys. Short of running with them, which has it's own huge problems, standing and having the fight is all I can think of.

The guys will hopefully have some advice as to what you can tell them, I'm at a loss. No matter what, if they are forced to see their father, it won't be good for them.

How old are they?

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#153859 - 05/02/07 12:15 AM Re: How To Deal [Re: Trish4850]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Hi Scorpio,

I'm a survivor, and I thank you for your efforts to protect your boys. Children are precious.

Here's what I think you ought to do: Find out who your member of Congress is, call his/her office at the capitol and ask to speak to someone in constituent services. Tell them about your situation and ask for either a private law to protect your children or help navigating the system and stopping this injustice. Members of Congress can be very helpful in these matters, as they have powerful connections. If the plans for reconciliation are going forward, you must act right away. Your efforts may fall short, but they will allow you to know that you have left no stone unturned. On the other hand, they may bear fruit, and you and your sons can be happy together.

Also, have you sought out a child protective order or an injunction in your local courts? You can often get these even without a criminal conviction. Sometimes the administrative action of DHS can be enough to put a stop to these actions. Pull out whatever stops you can. This is going to be a battle.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#153922 - 05/02/07 09:28 AM Re: How To Deal [Re: Chain Breaker]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
no matter what you MUST protect your children; remember - a molestor is a dangerous individual, no matter that the law hasn't necessarily caught up with him yet.

all this advice is good but you should be ready to leave the state and take the children if you have to - their safety MUST be paramount - it's not easy, but the fact they will know why will certainly help.

let it be your last resort, final option - but just let it be an option.

you are their lifeline right now. plan your strategy, keep it real, don't bet 'things will work out for the best' because when family courts are involved, they rarely do. supervised visits? get real - why should your children - any child - have to spend one minute in the same room w/someone who violated them so ?

good luck, you are not alone, many mothers have gone before you, myself included.

indy




Edited by ModTeam (05/04/07 03:18 AM)
_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#153954 - 05/02/07 01:03 PM Re: How To Deal [Re: ScorpioRising94]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
JD's Mom,

Thank you so much for being there for your boys, trust me there is nothing you could have "seen" if they were anything like me.

For your sons, make sure they know that is not there fault. Nurture them, be there for them. Most of us never had that. Most of us felt it was our fault and felt guilty. Just let them know your there for them and that they are precious and loved. Give them the protection they deserve.

Sorry I am ranting.

I wish I had mmore info on the legals but don't let their father near them unsupervised.



Edited by pain4ever (05/02/07 01:04 PM)
_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#154072 - 05/03/07 01:50 AM Re: How To Deal [Re: Chain Breaker]
ScorpioRising94 Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/01/07
Posts: 6
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Hi, Chainbreaker. Thanks so much for your advice and support.

I went to court today and the jugde got angry that the boys had not visited with their dad yet. He ordered that they have to go this Friday! My childrens fathers attorney asked the judge to put a restraining order in place so that I could not talk to my kids. Your words of support were much needed after a day like today!

My children did have an order of protection during the DHS investigation. Because of it, DHS felt the boys were going to be safe, so they did not recommend services or criminal action for their dad. Boy, did that backfire!
Their dad asked for visitation/reconcilliation and the order of protection was dropped and a reconcilliation therepist was brought in. Just like that!
My kids are 16 and 13 and the courts will not take their wishes into consideration. It is so sad. I know that there are thousands of kids out there right now going through the same thing. I have got to get the public to care about this situation somehow. Just the fact that this website exists and there are so many members breaks my heart. It also makes me more determined than ever to raise public awareness and change laws!

My Lt. Governor is calling DHS on my behalf and is going to ask them why they dropped the ball and what they are going to do about it. But I hate to get my hopes up, they have been crushed so many times before!

Have you personally had to use the legislative system to get something done?


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#154075 - 05/03/07 01:58 AM Re: How To Deal [Re: indygal]
ScorpioRising94 Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/01/07
Posts: 6
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Hey Indygal! I know! Supervised visits don't protect anyone emotionally! And they are just a gateway to unsupervised visits.
I don't understand how the court system thinks!

I am giving my kids all the love and support that I can and tell them that I am fighting like hell to keep them safe, but the court system is so screwed up.
If I fight to hard to protect my kids it is possible to lose them through a myth called 'Parent Alienation Syndrome', in which the abusive parent cries his eyes out in front of the judge that the healthy parent is unfairly keeping them from their kid.
I totally agree that no child should have to spend anytime at all with an abusive parent - just because they are the parent!

Thank you for your support. I hope your case is over and ended well.


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#154077 - 05/03/07 02:16 AM Re: How To Deal [Re: pain4ever]
ScorpioRising94 Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/01/07
Posts: 6
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Hey P4E. Thank you so much for your reply. Somewhere in my brain I know the abuse was all secretive and hidden and there was nothing I could have seen, but my heart will not let me off the hook.
I am there for my kids as much as I can be. If you read my reply to chainbreaker, you know that I have to be very careful of what I say to my kids, and I was put down by one evaluator as being "too nurturing" to my kids to the point of hurting them! She was absolutely crazy! How can you be too nurturing to an abused child?!

I am so sorry that you didn't have that and were left to feel guilty and like it was your fault.

I really hope that you have been able to get over the guilt feelings, they can tear you up inside.
In relation to your name, my heart hopes that you will not feel pain forever because it was not your fault. You are a wonderful person who is deserving of all the great things in life.
You, too, are precious.
Your post made me cry and let me release a little bit more of the guilt I feel inside. That's big!

As for your last comment, I would take them and run before I would ever let their dad near them unsupervised! I'm tempted to do it anyway.


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#154086 - 05/03/07 04:44 AM Re: How To Deal [Re: ScorpioRising94]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
My son's father was violent. The courts said that just because he was violent towards me (ie adults) didn't mean that he'd necessarily be violent towards children. Therefore he should be able to have access to our baby son.

I wasn't prepared to risk it so I took the baby and ran.

20 years later I have no regrets.

Scoop your kids up and take them out of his reach. If your youngest is 13, then there's only a few years before he'll reach an age where no-one, not even a court, will be able to make him see his father.

The practicalities of running are not easy. Your kids will have to leave their school and their friends. You'll need to change your name and find a school you can trust to keep your boys safe. You'll have to decide which friends/family you can trust - all others will have to be cut from your life.

But from my experience, it's worth it.
SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#154134 - 05/03/07 09:44 AM Re: How To Deal [Re: soapy bubbles]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
modteam deleted my advice to you w/o first posting a message here; they said something about it being illegal for you to move out of state w/your own children? huh? rather than expose them to a father who sexually abused them?

no, it's not, you can do it and i hope you do - even if there's a court order in place you can move out of state, file under a different state's jurisdiction, find one that's more supportive of abused children; apparently oklahoma is not? what nonsense.

i feel for you and hope you find the strength to get thru this - again, don't wait for the law to change for you - politicians just want to ride along on your good graces, the wheels of justice turn extremely slow - don't jeopardize your children's safety in the meantime thinking it was going to be ok,

keep your children safe *first* and change the law *second*

indy






Edited by indygal (05/03/07 09:46 AM)
_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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