This is my first post. Well actually I did reply to Dave's yesterday. But I guess my first one for me to actually post.

I recently was sexually assualted at gun point...back on October 15th this year. Well I have since moved back to my hometown and state where all the crap from childhood happened. I am now looking for a job....which I now consider MY job! ha! Anyway my wife goes and gets me this fitness gym membership. SO today I think I will go and just swim and sit in the hot tub. ....which this is what I did...but then I realize I am surrounded by men (men and women have separate days to go) and over half of them are naked. And after showering I am too...I was just overwhelmed. But I don't think anyone knew it but on the inside I was shaking. I am sure this is due to my abuse and especially the recent stuff. I just don't want this to stop me from going. And even though I am not gay. There was some sexual excitement going on.....let's just say I was glad I had a towel to cover. Does going to the gym ever bother any one else? Believe me I am not a thin body type...I am 330 pounds and 6ft 3 in tall so I NEED to go. I just sort of freaked out getting nervous and sexually excited at the same time!


Well, ok I think I have been very open this first post. Everyone have a good evening!

Terry (redsongbird)

I fall in love 20 times a day at the gym so I know what you mean. It's normal, just try to think of Roseanne Barr naked or when you think your pole is gonna set sail then hop in the cold shower and stay there till everything calms down. That is what I do. I werkout and I swim and have to wear speedos so i got this down like a reflex.

being in the navy and living with men was very frightening for me. My older brother was one of my perpetrators so being in the showeres was very stressful and confusing. I learned that men use whatever is vulnerable for the taking. the response before me seemed a little bit flip and didn't seem to hear what you were saying. (it could be me that wasn't hearing). I received a similar response to the above from a gay half brother of mine. I don't think he could hear my fear either

by the way have you seen a crisis counselor about your recent rape? wow ! How are you holding up?

[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

Thanks for the reply. First of all I don't believe I was falling in love. And second no one has ever called it a "rape" before not even the therapyist I have been seeing. But it was ...I mean I had to go and get checked out. They found sperm so I had to have a HIV test done...but it came back negative...now I will do the test again in January.

How am I doing? I have good and bad days. Yesterday I got depressed really bad. I mean it felt like I had walked into a brick wall. My terapyist I have been going to I really don't care for. He doesn't seem to know what to do. He has not even followed through on some things I have asked about. SO I am not going to go. Infact this morning I am canceling my appointment. In a strange way I think I have been down about this. Because when I started working on the childhood issues I found a really great Therapyist and now this time it just sort of fell apart.

Anyway - thanks both of you for replying. If I have to I will stay close to the showers! ha!

Terry (Redsongbird)

I love working out but the shower room thing totally freaks me out!..There is a sign on the door that says people are supposed to wear swimming suits in the hot tub and sauna...but alot of people don't. Of course they don't in the shower. I often fear someone will try to do something to me or look at me. Sometimes I catch mysel looking at others and then feel realy shameful. My stomach turns and I have memories of being abused by Gene (the guy at my church). I have even been hit on by a guy once. I just stayed calm and walked out and got dressed. I don't want to give strangers power over me by letting them keep me from the gym but sometimes it is just too hard to go and if I do go I just get cleaned up at home. But since we moved back to my home town I can only work out at lunch so I suppose I will have to brave the shower room...YUCK!...any way I think I kinda understand where you are comming from...Dave...GOD BLESS!

Ah we meet again Dave. Thanks for replying to this post. I didn't go workout today. I was on a job interview. But I certainly had the time to go. I just didn't feel like having to deal with it again today. I will need to go back tomorrow though. I know what you meant I found myself worried about being looked at - and then I found myself looking! Being in an all male invironment just makes my thinking go hay wire or something.

Terry (redsongbird)

WOW Terry...if you go back please let us know!!!!! This is one of my triggers...I freak out..then have a panic attack...then go nuts...1.2.3 !!!! This maybe my biggest trigger in the whole fucked up world. Cut my risk when I got drafted...men in showers..just like hight school gym! I went nuts a few times and people got hurt...gyms and shower rooms ...if you like them after what happened to you......... Shit I wandered into one in this big hotel with out even thinking...toooo stoned...last winter and it blew me away...you couldn't drag me into a gym...shower, steam, sauna room, big open mens changing room for a large indoor pool and gym...etc...etc...etc....etc...."AND ON MEN ONLY DAY !!!!!!!...your old lady thinks that this is good for you??????????...good luck!...You will freak out...10 to one or end up in a discreet get together!!!!!! Terry if it freaks you out...watch what direction that it goes...If you have a panic attack...cut out and run...if not do what you want. NO WAY...JUST NO WAY!

Eddie

Hello Eddie - I see that you are from Baltimore. There is where I just moved from. Infact that is where my recent sexual assualt happened. But I know many really nice people there.

I am thinking of going back to the gym today. I know I need to go. But I hear what you are saying. I will be on guard. And if I do get too panicky I will leave. It just takes me so long to even go IN. The other day I sat out in the car for about 30 mins in the parking lot before I went in. I thought if I went today at a time where it might be a low attendance time that might help. But then seeing naked men at a bisu time or low time is still seeing naked men!

I am hearing here that other do have problems with this too. I thought maybe I was just strange or something. I remember in jr high I hated gym because of the showering...and I could never understand why I just thought I was shy or something. NOW I know it is because of all the abuse. Each time going into this situation is like facing the abuse right on. I had back surgery several years ago so what I am planning on doing is going for a month to swim and build endurance than start with the weight training. The pool and the hot tub are right in the dressing area and the shower area. So there are naked men walking around all the time. I think it would be awkward for me even if they were not naked just the fact that it is an all male invironment. But of course there is no way to go in there and swim without seeing everything. So, I'll see if I get enough courage to go today.

Thanks for posting back here.

Terry (redsongbird)

Hey Terry...The all male environment thing is a total stressor!...In Jr. High gym class I was always freaked out...I skipped class alot...and finally came up with an excuse that my knees hurt all the time...to make a long story short...I got a doctors excuse and never had to take gym again...THANK GOD!...I wish I could go to my health club and totaly avoid the locker and shower room. Working out always makes me feel better and sure helps my stress level...I hope things go well for you...Dave...GOD BLESS!

Hi there Dave. Well I did go today. It was somewhat easier that the other day. But still hard. While getting dressed ( or undressed I should say) to swim this guy close to me leans over and takes a full close up look! I turned the other way and hurried and got to the pool. Why does this happen to me? I just don't know. Maybe I am just oo sensitive to this. But who knows. I walked in the pool and swam some laps for about 30 mins. Then got in the hot tub which was nice - that always feels great. I just got to relax in that place but it is hard when you think someone is looking. Or wondering if anything is going to happen.

So how are you doing today Dave? How is your Son? I hope better. Did you get some rest?

Alright -

Terry (redsongbird)

Terry;
Wow, that was brave! You are a great insperation to me! I just had a major back operation 11 days ago and feel like shit but what freaked me out the most was my doctor telling me that after I heal...I should work out at a gym to build up so my back doesn't fall apart again! I thought that there was no way I could ever go to a gym and still... may not but your post gives me a little hope!!!!!The last time I used an indoor pool, I wore my bathing suit under my paints before and after...didn't go near the dressing room or showers...a little wet afterwards but I didn't freak out!!!! The time before that...like you said all the men were walking around nude in the showers and dressing room...both completly open with some men making a point out of looking at you! And most of them never came out to swim or use the gym...they were still in there when I left???????? Never went back!!!!!!!

Sorry about what happened to you in Baltimore, can be a very rough town! I don't know if the people are diferent here or what, I was raped lots of times when I was a kid! Take care and keep going if you can!

Eddie

Eddie - sorry to hear about your back surgery. I had surgery about 12 years ago. It was the bst thing I had ever done. Immediately the pain was gone but I did have to work on some excercises to get flexible.

Well, for this next week I am not going to the gym because I just passed kidneystones. And found out I have gallstones. But I am going to do this gallblader flush procedure that hopefully will work and then I wont have to have THAT surgery. Right now I have no insurance and just can't afford it.

I am also sorry to hear that you were raped when you were a child. Some people. Ugh.
Hope you recover fast from your surgery.

Terry (redsongbird)

Terry,

I think your doing great, i cant handle going to any gym, just dont do that one at all, i get all freaked out, super self conscious and then the panic starts creeping in,,

So,, yeah,, i think your doing great.

John

Thanks John. I am sort of waitng to make sure I feel better from this passing of Kidneystones than I am planning on going back. But each time it takes some courage to go. I see you are from LA. I lived out there for 10 years. I really miss going to the beach to think about things. Do you get to the beach often?

Terry

Terry,

Yeah,, i get to the beach pretty regular during the summer months, especially, a regular routine for me and my four kids is to go to breakfast on sunday morning, spend part of the day hiking in the santa monica mountains and then to the beach to cool off some before we head home,, makes a long day usually and always fun.

I sometimes go to the beach to air out my head a bit,, its always good for that one.

I am pretty much a california kinda guy all the way,, i cant imagine living anywhere else right now.

Talk to ya soon,

John