Cause we could all use a laugh
THE CHUCK NORRIS FACTS
All facts are completely true and everyone should read them
1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
6. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
8. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
9. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
10. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
11. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
12. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
13. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. it's a shame he never cries...never.
14. Chuck Norris sweats Snapple
15. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, He decides what time it is.
16. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
17. The Chinese had two ideas to keep the Mongols out. Sadly, Chuck Norris works for no man so they had to settle on the Great Wall.
18. A blind guy stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe and Chuck Norris yelled at him. The sound of Chuck Norris' voice enabled him to see. Unfortunately the first and last thing he saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to his face.
19. Children wear Superman pajamas, but Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
20. Chuck Norris doesn't need a key to unlock his door he just threatens it and it unlocks.
21. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
22. Cars were invented as a way to run from Chuck Norris
23. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
24. Ghosts are acutally the result of Chuck Norris killing people faster then death can process them.
25. Chuck Norris has VIAGRA eye drops just so he looks Hard.
26. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story; Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
27. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
28. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
29. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
30. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
31. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
32. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
33. Google won't search for Chuck Norris, because it knows that you dont find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris Finds you.
34. If it weren't for Chuck Norris, we could mess with Texas.
35. Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked his son for pissing him off. He then brought him back to life and roundhoused kicked him again for dying.
36. Chuck Norris developed the c section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.
37. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerkey
38. The bible was originally entitled 'Chuck Norris and Friends'
39. Every year, during tax season, Chuck Norris sends in blank tax sheets and a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.
40. Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked Chuck Norris 'how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood' Chuck norris exclaimed "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" before roundhouse kicking her head off and screaming 'DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK'. 2 years and 5 months later, realizing the irony of his statement, Chuck Norris laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast became deaf.
41. Chuck Norris doesnt believe in Germany
42. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he is telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
43. The only man who ever outsmarted Chuck Norris was Stephen Hawking, and he got what he deserved.
44. When Chuck Norris plays cards roundhouses beat fullhouses
45. Chuck Norris's favorite number of planets was eight, therefore Pluto no longer exsists.
46. When Chuck Norris began his "Kick Drugs Out of America" program in 1990, he would simply roundhouse kick the drugs out of the system of anyone on them. They would either a) be cured and accept Chuck Norris as their savior, or b) overdose on roundhouse kicks.
47. Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, a dying man is saved. Ironically, he only smiles after killing someone.
48. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd.... no one fools Chuck Norris.
49. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
50. Chuck Norris can talk about fight club.
51. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
52. Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
53. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection
54. Chuck Norris taught his dog how to pick up its own shit because Chuck doesn't take shit from anyone
55. Shooting stars are just victims Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked into the sun...
56. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
57. Chuck was watching tv one day and saw the “Trix are for Kids” commercial, he hated it so much that for the rest of the day he punched every kid in the face he saw and said “Trix are for Chuck Norris!”
58. Any one can pee on the floor but only Chuck Norris can poop on the ceiling.
59. Chuck Norris does not use a condom.... there is NO protection from Chuck Norris.
60. The word "fuck" actually derived from the phrase "Flying Chuck" as it was abbriviated to get the words out quicker...this is what people would exclaim right before getting a flying roundhouse kicked to the face by Chuck Norris...
61. "The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned."
62. Chuck Norris has a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
63. Chuck Norris answered 50 Cent's 21 Questions with one answer, a swift roundhouse kick to the face.
64. By law, Chuck Norris is no longer permitted to wear shoes because if he were to do so he could be charged with hiding weapons of mass destruction.
65. Chuck Norris makes his internal organs pay rent.
66. Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them
67. Ice isnt cold water, its water that is scared still by Chuck Norris
68. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.