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#15275 - 07/09/05 09:47 AM Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Greetings here. I arrive here to mad o'clock in the morning because I do not wish my two friends who help me to help here to me tonight. It most of all embarrasses, and I do not speak it those two persons, please them do not read it right now.

I have not have this situation, happen with me before. Lady I see the some time, she is a friend whom I knew within more than 2 years now, and we became rather close, now it - that we are the some people closer though we yet do not do(make) sexual in attitudes(relations). Normal which will not be a problem for me. Not that I enjoy it so? But it, it always has feeling, that if it is expected from me, that I should execute it to lady. If they wish, that it was, I am rather wrong to not want to. And certainly, it is not placed in me by force. Not that I cannot tell it to the lady. Only, that my intentions do not start (do not enter) the attitude(relation) usually.

My girlfriend, its(her) neighbour on a room - not home within several days, and she(it) invites me to spend (to carry out(spend)) night with it(her). To tell the truth, I do not think, that she(it) wishes to advance our attitudes(relations) in general because she(it) only not seems so interested that part of things. Night one I remain there, we only, sleeps in the same bed, it feels like rather convenient, peace, and feels like very safe, it feels rather is similar to something, that I could enjoy very much. Last night, she(it) was interested more than sleeps, and fair more likely, I against such idea was not independent. As I speak, I not always enjoy a floor (sex), always it seems, that it - dirtied the some people the last events, but certainly, not that I wish to reject the offer from beautiful lady of whom I care. So yes, I thought, it is possible, that I am interested also.

There is no need(requirement) to speak so many details here. But it is enough to tell, nothing happens. Anything effective. I do not know that happens with me, if it - ' flashback ' such thing, because fair, I do not recollect it. It resembles feeling, not real at that time. I remember me feeling like rather scared, but I recollect, that conversation with me is myself, speaking will not be silly, there is nothing to be afraid, it - not who - the one who is made incorrectly to you, there is nothing incorrectly right now. I fair really recollect conversation it to me directly. I think, well, in general even if it will not happen tonight, at least I am in the control (management) of my emotions, I do not allow fear to destroy me right now. But, speaking with her(it) some moments (instants) later when my head cleans(removes) (clean) the some people, she(it) speaks, that I changed very much and shaking much and breathing is as similarly to an asthma on my breath, which is not all as I recollect it. It would seem, that I was not so in the control (management) of anything in general. She(it) continues to speak, what she(it) so regrets, and I continue to speak, why? You have not made any wrong to me. I do not know, whether she(it) speaks or does(makes) something, that does(makes) the beginning of madness or not because I cannot know at all when I notice me, feeling fear. But certainly she(it) has not made anything so incorrectly to me, she(it) will not be.

It is rather confusing to me, and rather disturbing for me. How I can be with whom - the one who will be afraid, what I become rather mad during the most private(individual) moments (instants) with it(her)? And how is, I can be whom - the one who will not do(make) it again? Never before have, I had any difficulties of it, always I was capable to make that - нибудь that wish or it is required from me. I feel, that it - again which area I lose the control (management), and to lose the control (management) as it, it should spoil me the person, I assume, that I.

I at all do not know, that there are any answers here for me right now. Probably only it should hear, that I - not only the person, ever it happen with during such personal times. And it it - the opportunity again to be normal with it. I at all do not like to be in the control (management) of my emotions and behaviour. I am realistic, I know, that I have no control (management) over other essences or the universe. But me it is direct, I expect to support (to serve) it. It causes me the big frustration, but also and, some fear.

VN


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#15276 - 07/09/05 03:00 PM Re: Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
VN,

Buddy, the inability to perform sexually happens to ALL men at some point in life. Most of the time it is due to mental stress. Sometimes it can be a physical problem, but I wouldn't run to a doctor just yet, unless this happens over and over. Still, sometimes this is due to medications that we take. Are you on any new meds?

It seems obvious to me, and I really can't know, that you had almost a panick attack. You were with this lovely lady, whom you love. You want to respect her and make love to her, not have casual sex. You at the same time have recently been dealing with your own sexual abuse issues. You want this relationship with this lady to be nothing like the past sexual relations. VN, I think this all hit you at once, in the most inconvenient of times. It was like an overload on your brain and emotions, thus the flashback and panick.

I would definitely talk to this lady. Tell her exactly how you feel about her. Tell her as much as you are able to about your abuse. (I know that she has some idea that abuse did happen to you.) I think she is able to understand that from you. Women don't seem to fret as much over us "not performing" as much as guys do. When we can't perform, we take it personal. We think it makes us weak. It doesn't! It means we are human.

VN, our sexual lives are just like our physical lives and our emotional lives. Sometimes things get out of whack! Our sexual lives are so intertwined with both our physical and emotional lives, until sometimes we can't perform. We are not 16-17 yrs old forever. That is our sexual peak. We can't expect to perform any, and every time we wish.

I really think you have nothing to worry about, but I realize that this is scary and embarrassing for you. VN, you'll be fine! Know it! Just talk to her. Tell her how you feel about her. Tell her how you feel about the sexual aspects, too. If you ever intend for this relationship to grow, you need to be up front with her. I can't stress that enough. It'll make your life and hers easier. She will understand the flashbacks. She will understand you! You have two guys there that can help you explain things to her. I know they want this relationship to happen for you and this lady.

Neither of the boys will tease you VN. Neither will tell anyone else about it. Neither will think that this situation is joke material. I promise. They will realize it for what it is. Trust me on this one. They CAN be serious. You know that.


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#15277 - 07/09/05 04:38 PM Re: Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
vn - i mean no misinterpretation by saying this

though - i know that for everyone - there is the right time for sex and there is not -
it just is what we are ok for 'at the time' -

you may have had thoughts of wanting
this with this woman -
but right now you are also in the midst
of many considerations -

so it is confusing -

i am a gay man - i am no less
susceptible to these
awkard confusion moments -

intimacy is very particular - it has to be the right time

if you want to see my example
read below

when i first pursued my sexual life -

i was also hit with much confusing times -

and many friends - who were gay too -

said ok - after this boyfriend or this time -

just be good to yourself -

and maybe abstain from relations for a while to get your head 'straight'
ok with you again

- think about stuff -

and get passed it

you are doing great work -

right now - it is not just the simple relations

and though
it is hard to be lonely and want to be close

yet not to be just the right moment -

i hope this is helpful

mark


mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#15278 - 07/09/05 04:41 PM Re: Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i did not mean to imply that you were just starting your sex life - it is just that

at that time - i dealt with knowing

of my past -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#15279 - 07/09/05 04:52 PM Re: Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
and what you experienced VN
i would say it is "OK"
you have new awareness -
some day when you
if you still want
you will risk telling this woman
how you want your relationship to go -

it is a risk -

but best things are worth risking

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#15280 - 07/10/05 10:52 AM Re: Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Hello, I am here with friend who also is awake early today. So yes, I allow good friend here to read this. If it is not persons closest with you you can trust, who is it you trust? I am glad, because it is becoming quite hard for me to maintain secresy of things. It seem for so long, everthing was secret, was held back, was not told to no one. Now it seem if it come to my brain, it must come out my mouth. Most of time it is just me speaking with myself in my head, because I do not wish to put forth so much to persons here.

I thank you both to respond. It was very upsetting situation to me, one that surprise me very much. I do take quite much medicines, for health issues, but most is natural, and nothing is new right now. I do not know that it is physical difficulty, but emotional one.

I do think it is right, what you say, even as I have been sexual in relationships before, it is not proper time for it right now, in this one, with this person. I feel quite badly of it, as she was so much apologizing to me, and I keep try to tell her she done nothing wrong. I hate to upset someone I care so much of. She do know some of this issues, but as I am learning some how it affect me, then and now, so she is learning also. I have much fear she will feel I am not worth her kindness and patience. I hope I will be some day.

Thank you both to listen and help, it was hard night, and is good to know you are 'heard' some.

VN


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#15282 - 07/10/05 01:47 PM Re: Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
VN -

From what I hear of You and read in Your posts,

YOU are an exceptional and heroic person.

It is OK to be patient and kind with yourself
right now too.

- it is a road You are on -

Talk as much as You need -

Your friends are there for You -

Peace

mgb-

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#15283 - 07/11/05 04:14 AM Re: Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Quote:
I have much fear she will feel I am not worth her kindness and patience. I hope I will be some day.
VN,

I think that fear is unfounded. I think you have her. VN, know that you are most certainly 'worth' her kindness and patience. It's up to her whether she utilizes that kindness and patience, but always know that you ARE worth it. Don't allow your SA to sell yourself short. You are worth it today, not some day.


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#15284 - 07/11/05 07:30 PM Re: Personal problems (releases), have trigger mechanisms
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
VN,

At times we all go through these sexual troubles. Try and not think about it too much. The time was not right for you two to have sex, thats all. Your body is telling you to take a step back.

I am glad that you are letting the people closet to you help. They love and support you the best that they can. Some questions require time to healing to answer. Give your self time bro and it will all work out.

Nathan


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