i just got a note from a friend - who is really feeling poorly -

and will experience even more upset for the nature of the illness -

it's terrible -

We can send good wishes. Please send good wishes.

---------------------

I've had a fairly significant day - as - I woke up - and went to the gym -
and then on the way back connected with a - 'blockage' i've had for years.

I knew I was gay - always - but - I was so caught up in the rules of life -
I just worked - instead of going for my life - and also - if i liked someone
i usually recoiled - because of it's being 'unacceptable' - though - i truly
kept wishing and wanting.

the first adult - male sexual relatinship - was at 19 -
and it was great - not only because of the kissing - and the sex -

but truly - the way we met - he was a roommate of my family's friend's son -
we were all dorming at NYU - in the summer of 89 - when i was working
in NYC -

we got to know each other slowly -

it then turned into more.

-

in the professional world - i did date one other -

but still i was very young - and he was twelve years older -

i never pursued - was always pursued - and so - i think i had sex 4 times in my twenties lol

i was always working - or painting - or investing... whatever -

at 35 - i finally said 'f$#&) it" and

went into WEHO (gay west hollywood.)

the raw sexuality of the place - was intimidating - the design - loud music

- I sucked it - up and just went - scared - and

i made really big mistakes - but also learned alot -

thankfully - i was safe always -

relationships in this day and age - at least publicly seem to be about sex -

I was on my way home from the gym - and I saw someone - who just had
a look that said something -

he looked like someone i knew from Milan - in my days at school.

his clothes - hair - clean - sharp -

and i thought of the past - i am glad - that -
i have that sexual experience stuff behind me -

- i do miss relationships - i do like sex - and kissing

i dunno - i can't blame ayone for it but me - but it's like

i really want a friend again - to eat dinner with and go to the musems as

in NYC ....

i think at this point - the mainstream of gay life - is not where i will find someone

but having that memory of NYC - maybe might help me know where -

I think - i said to myself - I can't have the one I want - it's not what the mainstream

'projects' - or what the FLASHINESS - allures -

in some weird way - i guess - i think i just need to take myself out -

again - start doing this -

and be patient - rather than go for an instant self pressured thing -

my most successful relationships - mostly happened - when i wasn't looking..

Mark,

I have been feeling in a similar way lately, I think.
I mean I haven't had as many sexuall relationships (wanted ones of course) as you have.

I think the reason I went to a gay club in the fisrt place is that I just wanted a companian. Someone to hangout with go to restrants with, in fact I (for now) don't really want the sex part. just the human connection. I guess I just feel very alone and have been that way almost all of my life and don't want to be that way anymore.

I think part of the reason was curiosity even though I find girls alot more attractive, I also find them much more intimidating at the same time. So, by me going to the gay side I could fuffill my dersire to get closer to some one and I also like the kissing part.

For me though, Lately I have not been looking or want for sex, it feels to scary for the time beening; I still have alot of stuff to workout.

But I can tell you that most ofmy past relationships happen when I was not searching for one. Maybe it has to do with the way one presents them selves, like more confidently, when looking like yur not trying so hard.

I think for myself I am 3/4 straight 1/4 gay, and funny I'm not ashamed of that at all.

I don't think I can give you any valueble advice since I am more novice than you are at this point but, the only thing I can say-its tough to say to myself even-is be patient.

I too would Like just what you said, 'a friend,' and I even Live in NYC!

so I guess Iam not even as caught up as you are.

Best of luck,

and take good care

Logan

I think logan it's easier to be patient when you are happy just being you.

I wrote to a friend the other night -


"i know my friends will not judge me - but perhaps be concerned -

i am realizing - my life does'nt have to be perfect - i just have to be ok with it

and what i do."

so - it's just a matter - of a new sense of self knowing - for me -

and a new sense of destiny - that - has me very happy - and confident - in my ablty to take care - and in that -

i looked back on the best parts of relationship - and ... knowing how they come -

i can wait - but i am going out tonight -

with a buddy from TO - in town for the gay and lesbian Travel show -

- it'll be fun to see Chris. I think I am happy just enjoying life -

and a relationship woudl be good - but it's like a bonus - i'm still happy

without.

Mark

for me - the most exciting moment - was

when my first boyfriend wanted to hold hands...

it was pretty nice -

i felt self conscious doing this in NYC in 1989 - but

i was just darn smiley