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#152411 - 04/23/07 03:06 PM Woke-up feeling different???
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
I have been dealing with my csa issues opening for 10/11 years after suppressing them deep inside myself for 12/13 years. It that time I have bounced back and forth about my sexual identity pretty much reserve to call myself bi-sexual, but for the first time this morning I woke-up and was able to link my feelings to my abuse. Last night for whatever reason, I dreamt of my abuse and woke this morning feeling gay; actually very horny to be with a man. It was very different feeling for me.

I thought it was just a fluke, the feeling, so while running some errands this morning I went through the local University were there are loads of beautiful people and the females didnít turn me on in the lease. Usually I can look/ see the beauty in both sexes, but today nothing.

I guess, what my question is, WHY? Is my sexual identity controlled by what happen to me more then 20 years ago? Does or has anyone else experience similar feelings? Usually it doesnít affect me that much, but I feel totally off today, shaky, unstable.

I know this seems silly, sorry, but I sure someone has something that can help me get focused.

THANK YOU!!!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#152431 - 04/23/07 04:53 PM Re: Woke-up feeling different??? [Re: TNuss]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
TNuss,

It doesn't sound silly at all. In fact alot of time I feel the same way. I personally belive my abuse definatley has somthing to do with it. in some way I must have erotisized what was happening when I was 7-8. I mean when it first started I thoughht there wasn't anything wrong with it and very much appreciated the attention that my nabor gave me; at the time it was my only source of attention. I grew up in a very austerre home.

Lately I have been thinking about guys alot more than girls, maybe because I lack the confidence with girls. but I have always found both to be attractive.

I had my first gay experience last week, just a kiss, but It felt great! Maybe it is just cause kissing feels good anyway, maybe cause I felt good to conect with an other human in an intamet way,not to feel sooooo alone -----its bin a while since I have had a relationship. Maybe its my way of trying to so how go back and try to regain some control over my abuse by acting it out.

But now I know that I can't stop thinking about him-like a crush. Maybe I just don't wanna be alone anymore and I am willing to sacrifice something for it. like anything for some company.

Before, I have had the same things with girls-never had much courage to ask them out, funny I found it easier to ask a guy-I don't get it.

I'm not sure this helps you very much but I think I am on the same or atleast a similar page as you are.

I think I will hit the gay clubs tonite, see what happens.

Logan

ps I am In EMS and know the statistics. 20% of gay men in this country have HIV or AIDS, thats 1 in 5, so be careful and be safe-practice safe yada yada




Edited by Logan (04/23/07 04:56 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#152432 - 04/23/07 04:54 PM Re: Woke-up feeling different??? [Re: TNuss]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
TNuss,

It doesn't sound silly at all. In fact alot of time I feel the same way. I personally belive my abuse definatley has somthing to do with it. in some way I must have erotisized what was happening when I was 7-8. I mean when it first started I thoughht there wasn't anything wrong with it and very much appreciated the attention that my nabor gave me; at the time it was my only source of attention. I grew up in a very austerre home.

Lately I have been thinking about guys alot more than girls, maybe because I lack the confidence with girls. but I have always found both to be attractive.

I had my first gay experience last week, just a kiss, but It felt great! Maybe it is just cause kissing feels good anyway, maybe cause I felt good to conect with an other human in an intamet way--not to feel sooooo alone -----its bin a while since I have had a relationship.

But now I know that I can't stop thinking about him-like a crush. Maybe I just don't wanna be alone anymore and I am willing to sacrifice something for it. like anything for some company.

Before, I have had the same things with girls-never had much courage to ask them out, funny I found it easier to ask a guy-I don't get it.

I'm not sure this helps you very much but I think I am on the same or atleast a similar page as you are.

I think I will hit the gay clubs tonite, see what happens.

Logan

ps I am In EMS and know the statistics. 20% of gay men in this country have HIV or AIDS, thats 1 in 5, so be careful and be safe-practice safe yada yada

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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