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#151951 - 04/20/07 10:57 PM Will this change?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Well, I just read one of Lloydy's replies to Fantagirl that went like this:

"If he starts healing seriously, there's a chance he's going to be a selfish sob for a while, he's going to act strangely, get on your case and generally be difficult."

OK. Question: What if my H has been this way for a pretty long time and yet has not begun to recognize his abuse issues affect him/us? After he starts healing will he remain the same or get worse, and do you think I can expect him to ever NOT be a selfish sob? B/c I'm thinking if that's not ever going to change, forget it!

A lot of it is that I feel he transfers so much of his anger unfairly onto me, blames me for everything wrong and is quite nasty about it.

I'm holding onto sheer hope that he will change one day and realize just what I've been through w/ him, rather than him acting like the universe revolves around him and my pain is nonexistent.

My T just told me today he has agreed to our first joint session 2 wks from now and I'm already stressing out bigtime.



_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#151966 - 04/21/07 02:01 AM Re: Will this change? [Re: Brokenhearted]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
((((Brokenhearted))))

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#151967 - 04/21/07 02:16 AM Re: Will this change? [Re: Brokenhearted]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi BH, it may be worth while for you to get a copy of "Relationship Rescue by Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D" I am just starting to read it. But he lays it on the line right from the start, that you cannot fix your partner, you can only fix you. Why did you fall in love with your husband? I have been reading about the addictive personality and codependents, it seems that they both come from the same type of family background. So if your husband changes, and you don't it is likely that you will not want him any more. The same is true if you change, and he does not.
I know I am saying this badly, but its not enough for you to wait for him to get better, you have to get better too. If this hurts you, I am sorry I don't mean to hurt, but it needs to be said.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#151968 - 04/21/07 02:23 AM Re: Will this change? [Re: lostcowboy]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Clifford,

Speaking for myself only, what you say rings true with me. Worthwhile things to consider, indeed.

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#151986 - 04/21/07 07:57 AM Re: Will this change? [Re: stride]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
When Clifford said: "So if your husband changes, and you don't it is likely that you will not want him any more. The same is true if you change, and he does not."

This is pretty much what H's therapist explained at the begining. T made it clear how important couples therapy is during the process in order to keep a relationship together especially because of the change involved. Both partners need to evolve in unison for the relationship to survive...at least that is how I understand it.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#152034 - 04/21/07 12:41 PM Re: Will this change? [Re: Brokenhearted]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
OK. Question: What if my H has been this way for a pretty long time and yet has not begun to recognize his abuse issues affect him/us? After he starts healing will he remain the same or get worse, and do you think I can expect him to ever NOT be a selfish sob? B/c I'm thinking if that's not ever going to change, forget it!


I'm sure Dave never meant to imply that when your husband gets difficult you should just shut up and put up with it. I sure don't get away with that and I KNOW Dave doesn't either!!!! I've met his wife!!!! \:\)

I know Dave would agree with me when I say that a partner really does have to stand her ground, take her own needs and concerns seriously, and insist that she be treated with respect. I think there's an art to this, and I just commented with a kind of long example to Fantagrl. Have a look and see if you get what I mean.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#152038 - 04/21/07 12:50 PM Re: Will this change? [Re: roadrunner]
fantagrl Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/18/07
Posts: 48
BH:

Larry's example was an excellent one btw. It's worth reading. These guys have been a great help to me, and I'm sure their words of wisdom will help you, too. It's great that you and your H will be starting sessions with both of you there. A well trained therapist can offer you volumes.
Best Wishes


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#152593 - 04/24/07 02:16 PM Re: Will this change? [Re: fantagrl]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I wanted to just thank y'all for your comments here...I did read them and it's just taken me a while to reply.

SO far I know I've changed a great deal in my 6 mos. of therapy. I'm no longer judgmental, and I'm finding out my true self is still wanting to come out - I've tried to please others my whole life in what I chose to major in back in college, in jobs I did.... I have very specific and strong preferences for everything from clothing style to colors, and I'm enjoying these preferences resurfacing since I-don't-remember-when.

I agree couples T is absolutely necessary; I will look at the Dr. Phil book, I also LOVE "His Needs, Her Needs," by Harley. I just still feel strongly that his issues are so unique to him and that he needs to work on those alone before we try to fix "us," but maybe trying to fix "us" will bring out the fact that he has a lot to work on alone.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#152676 - 04/24/07 11:19 PM Re: Will this change? [Re: Brokenhearted]
abandoned Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/12/07
Posts: 14
BH,

I think it was on this forum but I don't remember who, said something about survivors needing to learn where their behavior is unacceptable in a relationship.

I was just thinking you finally got the joint appointment!! Wasn't very long ago you thought that would never happen - progress!!

stephanie


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#152824 - 04/25/07 10:58 PM Re: Will this change? [Re: abandoned]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Babysteps! \:\)

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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