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#151381 - 04/17/07 10:03 PM My Identity Journey
TIN Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Frederick MD
I jumped over from another thread. Thanks Road Runner and pitepie for the feed back. I think this a great site and wonderful form to share our experiences, issues and challenges we are facing daily. I wasnít sure of protocol so I started another string. Just to share with those out there on where I am on my Journey, thought I would put down some thoughts.

Where I am now Ė I have come to the conclusion that my greatest challenge at this time in my life that I have intimacy issues with other men and how to act around them. Iím a personable guy and all, but to be frank, any physical contact, even a hug, pat on the back is an uncomfortable occurrence for me. I continually challenge this discomfort on a daily basis to the best I can. I often associate any intimacy and contact with some level sexual advance or recourse. Itís just my only basis from experience. Even my father didnít provide hugs or any level of intimacy for which I could reference. I have come to the conclusion that the boy inside me just wants to be held by another man, just to wonder what that feeling of safety feels like. I continue the search to find that place and person. I hope to get to that point and trust without recourse.

My abuse occurred by a friendís father when I was 10 to 12 and ended at 17 when I finally pushed it away. My journey started in my mid 20ís, after I was married. I had many sexual identity issues as I went through college and did all my experimentations, still quite confused on who I was, what I wanted. I met a wonderful girl during this period who is now my wife. We connected instantly. When it came to intimacy, I always struggled to go the next level and she waited patiently. I actually shared with her before we were married that I was abused and quite honestly thought I was over it. Later did I learn, that was not the case.

We married and life was good. We were a couple and beginning our Journey of the American dream. I still had intimacy/sexual issues and quite honestly still struggled with my sexuality. In my mid 20sí I finally had in encounter outside my marriage. Caring this weight was more then I could bare and I shared with my wife. This sharing surfaced so much of the abuse; it was more pain and emotion I had ever felt in my life. Through her strength, I broke the barrier and shared with my family what had happened. After the shock, they were supportive, but not much talk after that, it was pushed to the closet.

I saw a therapist for awhile, but to be honest, it wasnít much help. I wasnít ready. It was heading down a road leading me away from my wife for which I knew deep down was path I did not want to take. I came to a point of acceptance and just learned to live with the turmoil and became quite good at suppressing any latent issues. We continued to have intimacy challenges but I did well burring myself in my work and began to believe all was well.

My son was born and I truly believed the angles shinned down on me that day. He consumed my life and there is nothing more precious in my life. Sometimes I believe I can shower him with to much affection and protection out of what I missed as youth(a topic for another day).

My life continued and I worked hard and we live comfortably and are blessed with what we have. I still struggled with my identify on a regular basis. A constant pull on who I am. I suppose it seems more a challenge since that pull is more often from a male attraction then female. Thus, the self analysis of what does this mean. I challenge myself regularly that gender attraction is not relevant to where I want to be at the moment. I have a happy marriage, and I donít need to read into this any further. But the challenge becomes, how do you share these feelings, thoughts, concerns, issues, who can you trust. My failure to channel that put me in a place of a search for male comfort in a way counterproductive to my true needs.

I acted on this need again this past summer, 2nd time in my marriage in 17 years and came out of it with regret. However, this time did provide an awaking. This is when and how I have come to realize the search was not for sexual reasons, but for intimacy and the male honesty and true companionship for which I was seeking. I shared this with my wife. Trust is a challenge now, however, she is sticking by me and I truly believe she is understanding, or attempting to understand the turmoil of issues.

Thank you for listening.


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#151472 - 04/18/07 01:25 PM Re: My Identity Journey [Re: TIN]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
TIN,
After years of praying to find a friend like that..an intimate, honest friend who knows EVERYTHING about me, I finally found one a year ago. We met at kids soccer game. We hit it off and I told him we should take the kids out sometime after a game. His response seemed genuine. So, a few games later, I suggested we take the kids out. We couldn't that day, but then (The scariest thing I've done in years) I told that he and i should do lunch the next day. He said yes. We started having lunch together and as the friendship grew, we started talking. Then I told him abut my CSA. He was unreal. He later said that that was what convinced him that i could be trusted.
I tell you this for some hope for you, but also, I had to be willing to take that risk and open up, make the first step and put myself out there....absolutely terrifying to me. You might not be ready for the risk, that's ok. but keep it a goal. Leave yourself open to the idea of making that first step. You might meet some real idiots along the way, or you might meet a guy who becomes all the male bonding you are looking for.
There are lonely guys Everywhere looking for a friend like you.
You would be a great friend, i can tell.
yours
Paul


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#151549 - 04/18/07 06:19 PM Re: My Identity Journey [Re: Paul1959]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
TIN,

Abuse and its consequences messes us up in so many ways - it's a mindfuck, as I sometimes like to call it. \:\) And in some ways the old dysfunctions and acting out linger on and call to us; they remind us of the relief they offered but don't include the part about how they made us suffer.

In my case it's not sex, but alcohol and drugs. I have been clean off hard drugs for 32 years, but you know what? That shit still calls to me every day with the same false message of comfort and relief.

I think what helps me is the same thing that helps you. I look at my family and the home we have made together, and I realize I want to keep that safe more than I want anything else in the world.

I could continue this post, but I think we're on the same page...

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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