Hi Corbin
May I also see that list.
Many thanks,
Gert

Sorry!
I meant Taylor.
Gert

Hi Gert

I had said in and earlier post that, "If you are interested, I would be happy to compile my list of tactics that the stupid alien inside me used to keep me stuck in repeated acting out behavior, behavior that I hated and did not want to do but found myself doing it anyway. These aliens are not real smart, but they are deceptive. They all use the same tactics on everyone."

There has been quite a bit of interest in this list from my journal. Sorry it took so long to get it out there, but here it is.

1. Feelings of Anxiousness and Uncertainty
The first thing I would notice that was different inside me was that I would wake up that day with the sense of feeling a little out of control. I am 1/3 scientist-business man, 1/3 Jazz Musician, 1/3 bodybuilder-runner. I am very in-touch with myself. My normal state is that I feel in control of my circumstances for the most part in order to manage everything. On "attack" days the feelings of "all systems under control" is replaced by an unusual sense of anxiousness and uncertainty.

2. Feelings of Isolation
Another thing I have noticed was something in me quits communicating the truth of how I feel inside and what is happening to me. I would not communicate my anxiousness and uncertainty to anyone, including admitting it to myself. I would feel this strange sense of isolation whether I was by my self all day or in crowds of people. It was like I was in a clear glass cage. I was ineffective at communicating with others, and I was strangely unable to be communicated to by others. It is my opinion that this is the time and place where the plot was being hatched for my up coming acting out event.

3. My thoughts would be dominated by scenes from a hot fantasy involving me!
We all have our own fantasies. And we have the ability to turn them off so we can focus on what ever task is at hand. On "attack" days, it was like someone else had control of the images in my head and kept feeding me arousing scenes from an ultra hot fantasy. Even when I had critical things to do, these fantasies would run over and over. They usually always made me feel aroused and caused arousal energy to pump through my veins. This could happen all day, and I was a prisoner in my own head watching images I didn't really want to spend the time watching, but ...

4. Solutions would present themselves as to how I could fulfill the fantasy
I don't know how many times I have been lied to when it comes to this. My mind seems to work against me and goes to work coming up with all kinds of ways to fulfill the fantasy, which makes the entire process spiral up to the next level. The sexual/emotional gratification all the sudden seems attainable, even though this same process has lied to me countless time before, seldom if ever delivering on the feelings promised in the fantasy. Now by this time it is no longer a matter of whether I am going out, it is how soon. I start automatically planning what clothes I plan to where, and re-arrange my schedule to accommodate the necessary time needed. By this point the hook is in my mouth and I am being drawn in without much resistance. Once I am drawn on to the playing field (scene where the fantasy could happen), I am released from the hook and I act out the inevitable.

Ways to beat this process:
1. Recognize when something in your environment is feeding you continual stimulation and driving you into "sexual over arousal" (an arousal that can't be satisfied short of acting out)

2. Do everything possible to break periods of isolation. I can not over emphasis this! I have found that when in these periods, that it is almost impossible to go against the grain of isolationism and its objectives. When I try to go against the grain, I was met with feelings of internal anger that had no bases in reality, and all sorts of emotions designed to get me agitated and want to reward myself by acting out.

3. Do something genuinely kind for another person. Get involved in someone else's problems and help them. This has been the most effective way I have found to force focus out myself and onto something greater. I have found I am better able to break up the continual pattern of fantasy images running through my head.

4. I have found that I experienced a great deal of painful emotional punishment if I tried to interrupt this process. I could never pin point the source or reason for why I felt the way that I did whenever, I tried to resist. If you attempt to fight, you have to be ready for it as the punishment tends to hit you where you are weakest.

5. If you do crash, forgive yourself quickly, and never beat yourself over the head. The process seems to involve some sort of self destructive verbal behavior that you do to yourself. Resist this. Be merciful to yourself and quick to just forgive yourself no matter how undeserving. Negative energy that will work against you seems to hide in un-forgiveness.

6. Finally, write down your own journey once the aliens attack, and be very detailed. This force does not like to be recognized, and writing the events down is one of the best ways of beginning to track their movements in your life.

If you have any other thoughts of questions about unusual behaviors patterns, I will be happy to answer them from my own personal experience.

Peace
TaylorWayne

Hi Taylor
Thanks for this GREAT assistance. I will start to use it asap. I've gone through what you've described above this week and acted out yesterday on these desires, when the temptation got the hold of me. Yes, I have forgiven myself for this. I just hope I can stop it next time whithout acting out. I don't have anybody who I can share it with at the moment. I'm seeking a knowledgeable T in my erea, but I don't think theu have an on-line service in SA when I am desperate.
I do keep a journal, but have been too afraid to mention the details of my thought patterns, etc. I will start immediately when it starts again.
I have recently (late last year) found out that my uncle did "something" to me (and his baby daughter and who elsw?) when I was about 2/3 y/o.
I still don't know how to handle this MAJOR issue in my life (50+), since childhood. According to my mother I was an extremely content baby. It seems that all the other symptoms that most of us experience, started inside of me without "anybody" even being aware of it.
Thanks so much.
Kind regards,
Gert

i too have an infatiation with the penis. i don't want the man to touch me nor do i want to touch him. but i do love to look at penises. it's always bothered and made me feel gay' even though i'm very much attracted to my girlfriend. it has taken alot of prayer and work, but i'm finally at the place where i don't flip out at the thought of ''being with'' my girlfriend.

terpprm:
Your post raises an interesting question I've been thinking about lately. Regarding the large number of guys who are interested in penises and not the person/man, who are not interested in a romantic relationship, but it's just that the penis images/thoughts keep coming up....

If a person fantasizes about himself perfroming oral sex on himself (focusing on the penis, not the individual), is this homosexual? Is it a form of masturbation (we all handle and touch our own penises without it being considered homosexual when we masturbate ourselves, although if we masturbated another male it might be a homosexual act)?

Although some guys are physically able to perform oral on themselves (called autofellatio), how do they see it? Do others fantasize about it and how does that play out as a "gay" fantasy or just a desire to do something different with one's own penis?

I'm curious about this and since I talk about this in one or two chapters in the book I'm writing, this recent thread is making me wonder if there are more possibilities that we haven't discussed or that I've given any thought about.

Any ideas?

Ken

Taylor Wayne;

Is it possible that the 'stupid alien' you are referring to in your post is nothing more than the gay man inside you? Most men have a gay man inside of them, some have it stronger than others.

As a self-proclaimed gay man, I think that my abuse didn't make me gay, but it did prevent me from accepting that I was gay for many, many years.

Ken, I think an important distinction is not what guys do with their own or anyone else's penis, but rather what they fantasize about while doing it. Even male dogs will engage in sex play with other male dogs if no female dogs are available. If me and my buddy have sex to fullfill a physical need but fantasize about hetero sex while doing it, I don't think that is a homosexual act at all. On the other hand, if a guy masturbates using fantasies of gay sex, that is definately a sign of homosexuality, latent or actual.

Respectfully submitted,

Lazarus

Hey, Ken --

I don't know if being turned on by yourself is hetero or homosexual...it probably gets a category of its own (autosexual?). I'm gay and can look at myself with "stranger eyes" ("If I weren't me and saw me across the room, would I think I was hot tonight?") But for most of us, our own bodies are a given...too familiar to be erotic. I'd think being actually attracted to yourself would require a level of detachment that's pretty extreme.

Although a few men can do autofellatio (kind of like advanced yoga), it's probably not comfortable enough to be a real preference. (When I was that young and that flexible, it felt like an achievement, and the idea of it was exciting, but that was it. "Wow, look what I can do...Ow.") I think it's more a performance or curiosity...something you haven't seen before and most people can't do.

I've had many dreams of watching other men being able to perform autofellatio. I experienced these dreams as being extermely erotic, but it never ended in a wetdream. Does such dreams indicate what my sexual preference is, or is this only a fantacy with its roots in my CSA?
Gert

Hey, Gert --

I don't know what the dreams can tell you--it could be a lot of things...

A fantasy of self-sufficiency -- the guy who really doesn't need anyone else?

A fantasy of power -- Someone's tying himself into a knot for you?

I think of fantasies as pretty harmless (some of mine could have gotten me locked up a long time ago otherwise).

As for getting answers about your sexual orientation, here's something I posted a while ago when Larry and I were trying to figure out if a character in a movie was gay -- see if it helps, or just makes things more complicated.



David