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#159325 - 06/01/07 10:09 AM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: Grunty1967b]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I have the same issue. I remember bringing it up with a T a long time ago and I felt very ashamed. My friend has a name for it but I wont share it unless you guys really want me to because it's pretty triggering.

I don't worry about it so much anymore, but I do think it is a result of the abuse. I remember being infatuated with everyones penises after the abuse. It was like that was the only thing I was interested in from them.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#159548 - 06/02/07 09:25 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: cbfull]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
cbfull,

I think it's useful to remember that an abused boy is being sexualized in a hugely traumatic way and may not even realize that what is happening to him is sexual. That was my experience anyway; I was two years into abuse before it occurred to me that the things that were happening were sexual acts.

But the boy sure is aware that these acts are focusing on his penis and that of the abuser. No wonder the penis fascinates him and attracts his attenton later on, even if he doesn't want sexual contact. It just goes to show - yet again - how totally abuse can devastate a boy's boundaries and distort how he relates to others.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#164759 - 07/04/07 04:30 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: Grunty1967b]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Wonderful insight, exceptional advice... as well as tons of Triggers for me. Should I point out this this post may contain Triggers for other people?

In an earlier post, Roadrunner said, "By the age of 14 I felt like I was nothing more than a life-support system for a mouth, a penis, and a butt. I was utterly sexualized..."

and,

"Out of all this devastation came a kid who saw himself as just a sexual plaything and regarded other boys in the same way. This is the age of raging hormones, mind you, so day in and day out you see other boys with uncontrolled erections and so on. For me this was a sign of incredible danger."

I felt the same way, except that for me it was incredibly exciting. The urge to act out with boys my own age was overwhelming, and even as my abuse continued I had many sexual encounters with them, to show them what I knew that they didn't.

I realized many years ago how awful that was. While my own abuse was not my fault, certainly this was and I'm not proud of it. I can't tell you why I did what I did, and the guilt will follow me to my grave. How many lives can one person ruin?

And what happened to those close, trusted friends? One of them became my boyfriend for the next 6 years, and he comitted suicide s few years later. Two of them moved away and I haven't heard from them since. One has been in and out of jail ever since, and two others are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.

And me? I'm an alcoholic with DID and BPD. I've had two failed marriages to women and three great kids (I have custody of my 14 yr old twins), and now I'm in a LTR with a wonderful man with the patience of Job. While I have been in therapy in the past, I am not currently seeing anyone in that regard because sometimes trying to deal with my problems is more stressful than I can stand. I've had a lot of good years, but lately I seem to be slowly spiraling downward towards a crisis of some sort, which is why I'm here. This is all pretty f**ked up, don't you think?

I know this is sort of off topic, but I decided to post this in the place where most of the triggers were. Thank you all in advance for your patience and kind support.



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#167553 - 07/18/07 02:22 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: Lazarus]
TaylorWayne Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Houston, Texas
Hey All:

First, I would like to take the opportunity to apologize to anyone who found this post to be a trigger. Triggering potential posts should be labeled as such. However, when I expressed my original opinion, my intention was to seek out help from someone, anyone who has dealt with this issue and has conquered it.

I have read all the responses and have given them each some thought. I have now decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and to do the hard work necessary to save myself. I am convinced. No one is going to save me. If this means controlling every thought and doing that long enough to form new habits and thinking patterns, then that is what I must will myself to do. It is clear. No one is going to save me. The Good Lord has given us the tools. It is now time for me to work with Him to implement His strategy to get myself out of my own misery, saving myself and protecting the people who need me to be safe and strong for them, and providing for them a positive role model for their own growth and development. It can no longer be about me.

We have all been dealt a bad hand, but we can not continue to deal the same bad hand to ourselves and those around us. For me that means my selfish thoughts and behaviors must die and be replaced by more selfless thoughts and behaviors that will actually benefit me in the long term. I am not able to be strong for myself all of the time, but I am continually gaining ground in enforcing the kind of life I am going to have from this day forward. We can not allow ourselves to die so sick and so wounded, no matter whose fault it was. I deserve better and am determined to get it one day at a time.

Do the many CA issues I deal with still try to attack me? Yes! But I consciously fight to keep these issues from affecting my life and my decisions. It is work. I have only this one life and it is half over. I want the remainder of it to be a good one. It is up to me to do what it takes and get it!

Best Blessings,

TaylorWayne


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#167566 - 07/18/07 02:50 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: TaylorWayne]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Taylor,

Nicely put - I have one word of advice. In your efforts to consciously fight and keep them from affecting your life, et al, allow yourself the humanity to not always make it.

It's ok to fall down. Repeatedly. As long as you get back up again.

And I may be saying this more for me than you ... but there it is.

M


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#171917 - 08/08/07 11:24 AM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: TaylorWayne]
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I have to say "me too" to this. Mine isn't a crotch fixation--but it's similar. I thought you hit the nail right on the head when you said it's a way of looking for vulnerability in a man. I came from a house where the man never wanted a son and the woman was the man of the house. My uncle abused me sexually. Let's just say the situation was doomed from the start. What I've found is that I've spent my whole life looking for a man who will love me unconditionally. Because of my past, this was confused with sexuality.

I do wonder about what you said about control: "If this means controlling every thought and doing that long enough to form new habits and thinking patterns, then that is what I must will myself to do."

I've found that controlling my thoughts is what got me into this mess. It's dealing with the thoughts, saying them out loud as you have done here, and talking to a therapist about them that makes them less powerful. It's kind of like trying to keep an elephant (your "bull by the horns") from damaging the furniture in your living room. Intead of beating the elephant into submission, why not take it outside where it belongs? OK, maybe a bad illustration. But the idea is, there's nothing wrong with unconditional love. There are healthy ways of getting our needs met. Talking to friends about things that are meaningful to us, doing something artistic and sharing it with someone important to us, spending time with people who are real and getting away from those toxic to us--all of that can let the beast feel what he needs to feel, but in a healthy way. I wonder if it's realistic to expect the needs to be controlled. Keep the cork on the bottle and it will blow. Keep the needs met, and we don't have such desperate reactions to life. I'd also like to add that what was done to us in no way made us spiritually defective. We're spiritual people dealing with horrible traumas. Having a thought doesn't make it so. We deal with the thoughts and feelings emotionally. It's our actions that we control.

I wish you the best. Hang in there, OK?

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#172100 - 08/09/07 09:16 AM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: TaylorWayne]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
TaylorWayne,
I have to agree with ForeverFighting on this one. I am certainly not trying to sound judgemental here, but the way you describe how you want to deal with these upsetting and intrusive thoughts sounds like trying to push them deeper.

I think we all understand any anger or disgust that might be behind your decision to handle it this way, and that is not for us to decide, only for you.

The only thing I can say here is that I found that I had to let them come to the surface and discuss them so that I could draw the connections to right and wrong, and tie them to my present emotional troubles, which were overwhelming to say the least.

Just some thoughts.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#172144 - 08/09/07 02:51 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: cbfull]
jaybee Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Florida
i was just trying to address this very thing last week.
i think it is different for me, whereas i almost always
act out. i feel that the harder i try, the more dangerous
my activities become. i find posts typed by the vary
same hands asking, no begging the public to abduct and
molest the body. sometimes i find out when the fone starts
ringing and strange men start asking bizarre questions.
yea, it all started with the penis. every penis. i was
soo small. noone knew about my abuse. i wasnt in the pictures.
just girls. no one ever asked me if i was touched "there",
ever. i never knew it was bad. i just knew it was something.
something i had to protect. my abuse was never violent. always fun and love. always sex. i loved sukkin d*** since i can remember. when my dad left. no one touched me there anymore.
(i was 7) about a year later, the older neighbor showed me his thing. "man it seems so small" i used to think. even tho it was
always 2" longer then mine. least till we were 21. thats the
last time i seen his. So yea, i can see where it started, but
it has turned me into a nymphomaniac. the harder i try to stop, the more out of control i feel. last few months it got really bad again. i am lucky to have an "x" that still finds me attractive so i at least have one person i can get some form of that twisted feeling i have been missing since i was 5. i have alters who all have their own attractions. at least the dangerous one was dealt with enough to allow me to feel safe.
at least safe from boys. the others..just mad. street hustler lookin for trix, a boi wanting his dad, another infatuated with his brother, and between it all is d***,d***,D***. thats seemingly all i see. 24/7. (sigh). it takes some control in places like this to behave. the fact that i can, must mean something. why is it just so much easier for me to let myself act out then to try to stop it? i have finally opened up to my therapist that i am getting out of control, and sharing more and more vital info so as to help ease this suffering. it's one of the last parts i really need help with. i know it's connected to
the blocked memories. sometimes i get a peek, then run for the hills. luckily, i forget over time. tha part that doesn't forget never sleeps. i always feel it, like clawing at a door. at a gate. i cant go there. could this be worse because i am a multiple? this porbably didn't help at all, except to let you know others also have issues with this. in my case, my abusers hands became my own. when that wore off, my mind went off in search of new hands... i dunno... hope it helps. beachwolf

_________________________
3+7+11+13+19+25+39/9-4 yep, were all somewhere...

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#172390 - 08/10/07 02:07 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: jaybee]
TaylorWayne Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Houston, Texas
Jaybee man, Cbfull, ForeverFighting:

First thanks for your insights. Cbfull and ForeverFighting, I can see and understand your points when it comes to suppressing an unwanted behavior instead of working with it until you get to the behavior's root cause. Once you get to the root, yank that b*tch out, them make the effort to repair your life. That is where I am and this is what I meant to convey. I also understand your position, particularly your statement: I've spent my whole life looking for a man who will love me unconditionally. I think every boy/ man has that longing, and we have a God given innate right to. So few of our sperm donors have matured to be healthy and wise fathers, capable of raising us boys, discerning our individual hurts and just loving us. So now many of us wrestle with all kinds of dysfunction due to not getting the love and care we as helpless children were entitled to but never received. It seems like some wild animals do a better job at stewarding the upbringing of their young than many of our parents.

I am with you in your opinion regarding thought control. I agree that as long as the elephant is still in the living room, you must deal with the elephant. But in my life the elephant is dead and gone, no longer in the living room. However, my living room is still messed up and the furniture remains positioned as if the elephant was still occupying space. Changing my behavior to me represents redesigning my living room furniture for just my needs, no longer living with a design that accommodates me and the elephant. It is now on me to move the furniture and arrange it for me and the life style I want to lead. This means for me driving out the bad habits that were formed while the elephant lived there.

JayBee, I was really impacted by your story. I could relate to it by remembering my own days where I had no control. But I did notice 2 very good things you are already doing: 1) You have got yourself seeing a therapist, building trust and disclosing the facts about your boyhood growing up. 2) You are writing about where you find yourself today in regards to this issue.
You have discovered and expressed a truth that I experienced sometime ago in the middle of my craziness. The harder I tried to resist something, the more out of control I became until I did what I was trying not to do. I found that the more I looked at men's crotches the hornier I got, until I found myself out of control and on some kind of wicked insatiable d*** hunt. I hated it, but many times I was under the "spell". Once the "spell" released me, the only way I could understand my behavior was to think that maybe I had some sort of horny alien living in me. It was like this: when some event out of the blue stirred up the horny alien inside me, and it wanted to use my body to satisfy itself, I found that the more I tried to resist and not do those things I really did not want to do, the crazier things got. I was not without responsibility in all this, but it seemed like the fire of my basic urge for meaningful connections somehow had gasoline poured on it, and it became sexualized and totally beyond what I could manage. That was the alien. The harder I fought, the crazier my path that lead to my defeat became. Soon, I learned to quit resisting and just go with the flow until at the very last second I would spot an escape route. If I was drunk or drugged up, I was seldom able to choose the escape route. If I was in my right mind for a second, I could escape. This happened over and over and over for 18 years. I never got into any sexual intercourse situations, some how the alien did not make me go there, but I did virtually everything else short of that. The life that I was leading at the time had no room for such behavior, so I was constantly hiding and lying about my whereabouts. Later, I tried just coming out and being gay, but it just was not me. Over time and much persistence, I began to learn what gave this alien inside me its power over me and how I could begin to war against it. It was quite the adversary and after 15 years of fighting and struggle, I began to get the upper hand. I don't know what made me keep fighting other than I felt trapped in a life I didn't want. The counselors I did meet with at the end had no clue of how to help me get me back. In the mean while, I was winning some, losing some, getting my ass kicked in others, and no body knew what was happening. I hid it from most everybody. After 20 some odd years of fighting I have discovered that the alien has been driven out, and now it exerts little to no pressure on me anymore. What pressure I do feel on occasion is coming from the alien outside of me and a whole lot weaker. It is no longer inside where it used my own power against me. However today my insides have scares from that evil alien being there, and my personality has habitual behavior patterns that were formed to accommodate the alien inside. Now that it is gone, I have to change my behavior patterns and not remain stuck in the patterns that were formed from all those years being a slave to the alien. This is where I am today. And I have the will to change my own habitual behavior into the kind of behavior that I would be proud of. There is nothing influencing my behavior today other than history, habits, and memories. I can control what I think about when it comes to history and memories, and I can alter my habits given enough time.
I say all this to say that there is light at the end of your tunnel. Getting there is a war, and you will need help from good people and help from Him that is all Love and all Good. If you are interested, I would be happy to compile my list of tactics that the stupid alien inside me used to keep me stuck in repeated acting out behavior, behavior that I hated and did not want to do but found myself doing it anyway. These aliens are not real smart, but they are deceptive. They all use the same tactics on everyone. They simply change the faces and the circumstances. Press on man. It will get better!

Love,
TaylorWayne


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#183520 - 09/30/07 05:18 AM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: TaylorWayne]
Csmith Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Portland, OR
Another good post. You seem like done some amazing and brave things in your own healing.

I'd love to see this list of tactics you mention, TW.

Corbin


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