Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
beginning (34), Gary H. (41), jewelmom (63), kdg2310 (55), Li Yuki (2014), monarchnaps (36), Neverquit (30), Nord (58), SoSad (45)
Who's Online
3 registered (Obi, 2 invisible), 29 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63786 Topics
445429 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#151329 - 04/17/07 04:09 PM Is it possible to stop checking out other guys?
TaylorWayne Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Houston, Texas
Dear Survivors, Moderators and Ken Singer in particular:

Hey Gentlemen..

My name is TaylorWayne. I had submitted a post dealing with what I am discovering about myself through this site titled: I think some changes are on the horizon for me . Ken, you and a few others were very kind to post replys with some tough insightful questions I had to ask myself. I felt a serious light bulb come on yet again when I read your post to Logan today titled: Am I loosing it?

I have a problem with watching mens crotches, not women, just men. I have not been an equal opportunity crotch watcher. I touched on this point in my post and you mentioned it in your latest post. The third paragraph started out with this sentence: Sometimes the victim becomes fixated on penises. I have this problem. I am clear it began with my abuse event, but as I have tried to dismiss it and grow up away from the habit, the problem has been a painfully persistent one and has seemed to have associated itself with my deep longings to experience a man who would truly make himself vulnerable to me in a good way. After a couple of decades, this thing seems to be like my shadow and mutates along with whatever lack of intimacy need I might have and presents itself as a medicator for that need. This penis search is usually the first step in a 6 week (usually) downward slide that ends up in some kind of attempt to act out, some successful other not successful, but always the attempt. My need is for real intimacy. I know in my head intimacy is a heart quality, not a penis quality. I can not figure out any healthy way to not feel the need to check out every other guy and look at every mans crotch. I am almost certain the problem is fed because of some insecurities or jealousies. In your post to me you recommended seeing a therapist. I checked the MS resources and I did not see one listed for Houston, but will keep looking through other sources. This is a dumb question, but I must ask. Is there anything I can do or start doing that can begin to reverse this behavior? Any words of wisdom at all would be appreciated and applied!

Thanks Many Times Over!

TaylorWayne


Top
#151362 - 04/17/07 08:38 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: TaylorWayne]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
TaylorWayne:
I've contacted a friend in Austin to find out if he knows of anyone in Houston (he's a therapist who specializes in male survivors). I will let you know if he comes up with a name.

The short words of wisdom at this point is don't act out on the impulse. Know that it is a vestige of old abuse issues and it will be resolved with some work with a therapist in that area.

Ken


Top
#151378 - 04/17/07 09:37 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Taylor,

This kind of fixation doesn't surprise me at all. Or at least, it doesn't when I think back to my boyhood and how much having a penis confused and tormented me. I thought this is what's betraying me when he touches me, this is what attracts the abuser, and if it weren't for this I would be safe and happy.

And once I hit puberty it all seemed to get so much worse. My Dad had given me "the talk" by then, but I still wondered is all this happening to me down there because the abuse is making it happen.

Your post gives me a lot to think about, that's for sure. I remember checking out guys for a long time too, but in my case it was out of insecurity and fear rather than desire. Anyway, as usual, and as Ken has already said, this is yet another example of how abuse issues can continue to distort our behavior and thinking long after the abuse itself has ended.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#151455 - 04/18/07 11:34 AM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: roadrunner]
TaylorWayne Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Houston, Texas
Hi Ken:

Thank you so much for the advice. And thanks for checking on counselors for me. I just moved to Houston from Malibu California about 1 year ago. What a shock. Houston has been great for my company, but what a culture shock. I am surprised for a city this size there are so few counselors who work in the area of male sexual abuse.

Thanks again!

:-) TaylorWayne


Top
#151513 - 04/18/07 04:03 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys [Re: TaylorWayne]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
.

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

Top
#151548 - 04/18/07 06:09 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: selene]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Selene,

I was going to say this in my last post on this thread, but I thought it might be too much. By the age of 14 I felt like I was nothing more than a life-support system for a mouth, a penis, and a butt. I was utterly sexualized, in the sense that I didn't see value in any other aspect of myself. I wished I wasn't a boy, but not in the sense of wishing I were a girl - I just wished I wasn't a boy.

The confusion was incredible. I hated going through puberty because the abuser would go nuts over every new hair and sign of growth (he had me from age 10 to 14), and I can't begin to guess how many times I cried because the first time I came was with him. BUT...yes, I enjoyed the orgasms, even though I hated knowing that I would have one - again.

Out of all this devastation came a kid who saw himself as just a sexual plaything and regarded other boys in the same way. This is the age of raging hormones, mind you, so day in and day out you see other boys with uncontrolled erections and so on. For me this was a sign of incredible danger. I wondered who's "doing" them, and if I let them be my friend would they do the same thing to me that the abuser had done. I gradually withdrew from almost all my friends, and though I continued in the Scout troop, I kept all the other boys at arm's length emotionally. I felt like an empty shell with no real "Larry" left inside it.

There was only one other boy I really trusted and was close to, and guess what? He had been abused with me for a year.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#158799 - 05/28/07 11:24 PM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: roadrunner]
grover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/28/07
Posts: 50
Loc: Tennessee
TaylorWayne,

I'm in the same boat you are. I'm glad you posted.


Top
#158817 - 05/29/07 12:39 AM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: grover]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
TaylorWayne,
It is definitely not unusual. I find myself doing the same thing. After years of doing this I have found that it just one in thousands of symtoms of abuse. As long as I don't act on it I feel okay. But when I 'act out' every 5 years or so it has devestating affects.
By ther way, I grew up in the Clear Lake area of Houston,

_________________________
mack

Top
#158868 - 05/29/07 08:56 AM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: mack]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Sometimes I think it is a habit I've got to break...other times I just try to pass it off as a part of my "abuse" scar...other times it's a way to just pass the time while at other times I just get sick and tired of doing it!! But all in all, I've learned to live with my "scars" and those I could get rid of by "psychic plastic surgery" I will get rid of. Hope this helped, guys!!

As Ken said, this in no way means you need to act out!! I recognize it as a deeper rooted issue and have never found the impulse or need to act on it. Therapy might help you get a better handle on it, though!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#159181 - 05/31/07 12:12 AM Re: Is it possible to stop checking out other guys? [Re: ScottyTodd]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
TaylorWayne,

I don’t really have any magical solutions, but I often find its reassuring to know I’m not alone in how I feel and get affected by the abuse. That struck home with a couple of replies you’ve already had in this post.

What I want to do is add a “me too” response to a couple of posts in particular. I could type out what they said and say “me too” but they put it as best as I could anyway. I wanted to thank the guys below for what they said:

Quote:

mack:
After years of doing this I have found that it just one in thousands of symptoms of abuse


and

Quote:

ScottyTodd:
Sometimes I think it is a habit I've got to break...other times I just try to pass it off as a part of my "abuse" scar… while at other times I just get sick and tired of doing it!!


I hope that seeing other people – other than yourself helps you in knowing you’re not going crazy or that you’re some sicko. This is residual carnage from our abuse. We hate it but it’s there anyway. Hopefully it gets better to cope with.

My T said one day, and you have to hear this in context, that CSA is like “the gift that keeps on giving”. Except it’s not a nice gift and nobody asked for it, wanted it, and if given the choice, this in one gift you’d get rid of right away. Problem is we can’t. The wrapping paper got stuck to us. What I’m trying to do with a “magic marker” is colour in the wrapping paper and make something new, different, and hopefully better out of what was ‘bestowed’ upon me.


Top
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.