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#151292 - 04/17/07 11:45 AM Re: Just Checking In [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
SNS,

Congratulations on coming to an agreement with your husband about the pace of his recovery. I will just add that we have similar situations; I have been married 14 yrs and just now understand the face also, of the ghost that has haunted our relationship all along.

My personal current hard thing is to not excuse any bad behavior of his simply b/c he is a wounded soul, as my empathy for him is off the charts and I have been so heartbroken in learning about csa and what it does to people. Also he is quiet so much of the time and I don't know whether he is able to even voice his needs, so I never know whether I should try to hug him or leave him alone or what.

I am like you also in that I've always just wanted everyone to be happy and just wanted "peace" so I would subjugate myself to my family and my husband many times over the yrs. Even now it is often hard to know what *I* need or even want. I have been so busy trying to intuit what others need and want.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#151299 - 04/17/07 12:48 PM Re: Just Checking In [Re: Brokenhearted]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Brokenhearted:

Hello! It is all so very complicated, yes? I believe what the key is to striving for better is open communication. It's finding the balance however, that is quite the challenge.
As you mentioned in your post regarding your husband being quiet so much of the time, this silence often feeds our anxiety. Without saying, "hey, I'm working on some issues right now, please give me some space," how are we to guess what is going on?

I think Brokenhearted that once you begin to establish some boundaries (even something as simple as telling your family "no" once in a while) it will all become aparent what your true needs are exactly.

I reached a personal turning point when I realized I was allowing my relation/husband's relation to dictate what we did all the time. I have recently established in both phone conversation and now with email that my husband and children are number one in my life...that although I love my brothers, sisters, parents that they have been reclassified as "relation." Family is within our own household only. It was such a lifting to feel as if I finally had some say in what we did...in many ways I was just doing what everyone always expected me to do...to go where I was expected to go. The fact is, we spent Easter weekend here at home this year. You can't imagine how liberating it was to finally stake claim to our own lives!

Times are changing and all for the better!

It was nice to hear from you again Brokenhearted.

Best wishes,

Sweet-n-Sour

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#151352 - 04/17/07 07:35 PM Re: Just Checking In [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
SnS & John,

You two put things very much in perspective and I thank you. I'm trying very hard to accomplish this task, and I'm afraid I'm not doing a very good job. It's not that I open the day or close the evening saying that we've got to "talk." Far from it actually, but I know I definately don't handle things exactly the way I should sometimes.

It's a problem that we both recognize and have talked about, but both of us are floudering around trying to find a balance. I've been invited back to see his T again tomorrow night and we agreed that this exact subject will be part if not all of our conversation.

Luckily, we are keeping the lines of communication open and we both recognize we're making mistakes and stepping in each other's way. Hopefully, the T will be able to give us some insight as to how to work our way out of the muck.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#151355 - 04/17/07 07:57 PM Re: Just Checking In [Re: sweet-n-sour]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hi again S-N-S,

It's interesting isn't it how we all view the world, relationships, events, and filter it all through the lens of our own experiences? I misunderstood exactly what it was you were saying because, well, because! ^ ;\) And that's OK because I finally was able to put into words something within me that heretofore had none attached.

The wife and I have been where you and your hubby are in the past. I usually end up retreating because I can't take the barrage directed my way. I've found it works much better to stay engaged in the dialog long enough to be able to communicate to her that my ability to assimilate what she's dumping on me is pretty limited and we're going to have to agree on another format. 30 years of habit die off with some degree of difficulty, but we're seeing a good deal of progress. There's still some degree of raised voices and frustration, but even through that we are able to communicate what we need the other to understand. It feels really GOOD!

Thanks for sharing your journey with us. It helps.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#151382 - 04/17/07 10:04 PM Re: Just Checking In [Re: WalkingSouth]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Y'all keep talking about keeping the lines of communication open. Maybe the lines open after recovery begins? My H doesn't talk much and if I try to ask what he's thinking or anything like that, he won't tell me anyway. I wish for open, honest communication, hiding nothing. We've probably never had that in our 14 yrs so far.

At dinner or anytime we're together, I'M still the one to try to get a conversation going, about anything, how was your day, how's your steak, etc., and keep it going myself too. It's like pulling teeth to get him to talk much at all.

I've read that many survivors are/were like this also...and that some changed to where now they talk and talk and talk. I wonder what happened.

I know, patience....

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#151410 - 04/18/07 04:49 AM Re: Just Checking In [Re: Brokenhearted]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear John:
I was glad to touch on something that helped you put into words what you had been feeling. As a hobby, I write stories. There was one story that was sort of a study I did. I took an event and retold it from four different perspectives. What I realized in doing this is that we all take away something different from the same view! This is excellent because perspective is everything and that is what is so wonderful about this forum!

I am feeling very good at three in the morning here. My insomnia is just insomnia...no worry or fear involved. I truly believe that everything will be okay with husband and I. We had a couples therapy session last evening and there have been some very positive strides between us.

Thank you for sharing.

Best Wishes,
Sweet-n-Sour

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#151411 - 04/18/07 05:03 AM Re: Just Checking In [Re: sweet-n-sour]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Brokenhearted:
I see your point regarding communication. If someone refuses to open up, then what?

Are you currently in couples therapy in addition to your husband attending counseling on his own? I can attest that it does help tremendously to have someone on the outside point us in the right direction.

I understand your frustration with your husband and if I will say, you are one of the most patient women that I've ever happened across. I truly admire you for that remarkable quality.

I wish there were simple answers in all of this. I believe we are all just trying to figure everything out as we go along.

Take care,
Sweet-n-Sour

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#151412 - 04/18/07 05:09 AM Re: Just Checking In [Re: sweet-n-sour]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Trish:

Finding the right balance of communication is such a challenge! It sounds as if you are on the right track with the help of therapy in this.

When you said: "Luckily, we are keeping the lines of communication open and we both recognize we're making mistakes and stepping in each other's way. Hopefully, the T will be able to give us some insight as to how to work our way out of the muck." I believe a large part of the challenge is recognizing what works and what doesn't work in addition to maintaining the consideration for one another. You seem to have this!

Best wishes,
Sweet-n-Sour

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#151524 - 04/18/07 04:47 PM Re: Just Checking In [Re: sweet-n-sour]
fantagrl Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/18/07
Posts: 48
s-n-s:

I just wanted to thank you again for lending me your ear earlier today in chat. I am so thankful you were on today and reached out to me like you did. And I'm greatful there is a site like this where people can help eachother, there aren't a lot of resources out there for this. THANK YOU SO MUCH.


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#151587 - 04/18/07 08:44 PM Re: Just Checking In [Re: fantagrl]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Fantagrl:
I was glad to lend my ear to you. I see you have gotten some wonderful guidance from the male survivors on this site and I hope the weight of what you are feeling seems less in just knowing that you are not alone here.
Your bf is a lucky man to have someone so caring and concerned on his side.
Anytime you need to vent, we are all here for one another.
All my best to you,
Sweet-n-Sour

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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