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#150827 - 04/14/07 06:50 PM I think some changes are on the horizon for me
TaylorWayne Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Houston, Texas
Hi There Gentlemen:

Thank you for this site. I discovered the MS site only a few days ago, and have been reading through the many posts in the discussion forum. This was insightful as it helped me to understand the breath and depth of childhood sexual abuse experienced by so many of you. The events around my abuse were not horrific, but the consequences over 35 years has added up and for many years now I have suffered with serious sexual identity problems like so many of you.

Now that I understand the affects sexual abuse has had on my behavior, I now have some insight into my sexual acting out episodes. For decades I have lived in the closet. I hid my attraction to guys extremely well. I seldom had strong sexual urges, but instead craved and longed for my type of perfect guy who wanted to love me, know me, and appreciate me for who I am. I feel God made me to be a pretty cool guy, and I longed to share myself with another guy. Physical intimacy was not what I wanted or was looking for. I needed that deep mental connection. All I wanted to do was score a deep meaningful connection. I would have been happy with just that. Strange, since guys tend to be physical, but that is just how I am wired. For 30 years straight I have glanced deeply in the eyes of thousands of guys searching for that one who had the depth and courage to look back into my eyes. I experienced many connections that should have worked, but for some strange reason got fouled up. After all the missed connections, I have to conclude that my guardian angel intervened and prevented me from meeting this "Right" guy.


I found myself doing all kinds of things to attract the kind of guy I thought I needed. God had mercy on me and I grew to be a tall handsome and a very masculine gent. Over the years I added bodybuilding to my overall package and being somewhat shy and needing the other guy to initiate, so I spent years reading and digesting self help books to fix this issue as well as many other things in me I thought were wrong or not working or attractive to other men. Over the years I was quite successful as a computer software entrepreneur. And if I may say this humbly, over time I had created a person that had an enticing package to offer for whenever I met Mr. Right. But I never met him. Oh I met plenty of men, some in the closet like me, other completely out. My problem from their point of view was I was not interested in sex. Over the 30 years, I have met hundreds of guys, and even dated a dozen or so for short periods, but they soon lost interest in me and just became my friend because I was not interested in topping or bottoming. I could not understand why that was such a big deal with the guys I dated, and they could not understand why I was the way I was. This was my first indication that maybe I was not gay after all.


Reading this website helped me understand the gay side of my behavior. I have always felt like a straight guy who needed a deep and honest man to affirm and validate my existence. The men I met and were attracted to in general were great guys, but would not make themselves vulnerable enough so I could see their heart and their strength and their love for me. I am the kind of boy who lives to give love and affirmation and receive love and affirmation from another man. So why was I this way, and why does my acting out take the form it takes? Your site helped me to see this. My one and only episode of sexual abuse happened when I was 12 and in a formative period of my life. His abuse of me consisted of him (he was 14 and had what I thought was a big unit) taking my under pants off and humping me, our genitals rubbing together. He climaxed on me, something I had no idea people could do at the time, and that was it. I never told anyone about it and he never did that to me again. I just kind of forgot about the incident. The only thing about the incident that I remember looking back, it changed my behavior. I can remember immediately after that event from that day until now I have had the secret habit of being a male crotch watcher. That event caused me to all of the sudden be constantly aware that all men had penises and I wanted to see what they had however I could. The situations and problems I created for myself because of this fetish is another story. This behavior is an obvious offshoot consequence of my abuse. I am clear on that today.
I have never even thought about that initial event which occurred 36 years ago until I read so many of the stories on this site, and took note of the consequences so many of you are dealing with.

Now here is what is strange, and completely unexpected. Once I connected to that event again and in my heart and soul denounced it as wrong, and the persons actions as evil, I literally felt something crack in my mind, as if acknowledging the abuse for what it was ABUSE set me free of something. I do not know what it was, I just felt very different after going through my own accepting the truth exercise. Feeling a very real new sense of freedom in myself, I wanted to and snuck out and went to a local Gay bar near where I live. I usually go there seeking attention and admiration from guys and I always get it. I usually get my attention needs met and would go home. The other night I was completely unable to connect with the men at the bar. I always meet people and have some level of conversation with someone, but the other night was dramatically different. People were nice to come up and strike up a conversation, but I had absolutely no interest in being there. Even seeing the occasional bulging Levis walk by had no effect on me. Feeding that old fetish was one of the things I enjoyed about the bar. I have nothing against gay guys. Many have been good friends over the years. My issue is that I think I am not really gay. The behavior in my acting out is identical and a reenactment of the events of my abuse episode many years ago. Now that I look at it, I have continually sought out these types of sexual experiences. I do not know why abuse has made me do this.

I am in a strange new place. I am anticipating my interest in men might start to decrease while my interest in women may begin to re-emerge. I am already seeing signs of this. Now I am not going to go out and try to make something happen, but I can feel things are happening on their own, and things are changing.

Has anyone experienced anything similar to what I am experiencing? I would be interested in hearing how you negotiated the change in gender focus from male to female.
Many Thanks!

TaylorWayne


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#150831 - 04/14/07 07:20 PM Re: I think some changes are on the horizon for me [Re: TaylorWayne]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Taylor, and welcome to MS. From reading your post, it sounds like you have done a lot of work on figuring out the effects of the past on you. Sexual abuse has such a wide and varied effect on the victim, causing a lot of different kinds of responses. From what I have read, it is quite common for survivors of sexual abuse to seek to reenact the abuse in some form - either because they feel they deserve to be abused (caused, of course, by the initial abuse itself), or because they want to somehow be in control this time around.

I don't have experience with what you are going through as far as a change in gender focus, but I'm sure some here do and will be along to comment on it.

_________________________
Eddie

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#150832 - 04/14/07 08:12 PM Re: I think some changes are on the horizon for me [Re: EGL]
TIN Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Frederick MD
Hello Tayler

I'm new to this as well and understand what you are going through. I started my 'recovery' when was about 25 and am i just broke the 40 mark and still struggle with identity issues. I have been married for 17 years and this always comes into play in our life. I too had to seek the affirmation of other men and would go down same road as you, but found myself at the end of the night, that it just wasn't right, but weeks later, found myself looking for that something. I thought by the time I got married I had it all figured out and was good to go. The mind is an amazing thin. I was wrong. I have come to the conclusion, that my abuse has altered the way I look at may relationships with other men everyday. I have desires and continue to look at other men but, I believe I am just seeking their affirmation. Believe it or not, my wife continues to help me with this. Since being married, I had two incidents with other men, and have had share with my wife. Let me tell you, when this happened, I thought I was going to die. Let me also tell you, its not a subject we discuss often, and I continually ask myself, can I be straight and still have these feelings and desires. It puts a stain on our marriage on something you can talk about everyday. Itís not something you just casually bring up at the local watering hole or at the neighborhood card game.

I still struggle almost everyday with trying to understand it. But God put me here had gave us a son when biology said no, so I must be something right. My abuse started when I was 10 to 12 and ended when I was 17 when I had the courage to push it away. The abuse was reinforced, which further compounded my confusion around understanding how men to men friendships work, when I was abused by another older boy around 15. A single incident on this second one, but it makes you ask, is this how it is suppose to be. Iím not sure the details are important, if you interested I can share later. Doubling the occurrences makes one think, Oh, I guess this is the way it suppose to be, but yet deep down, something just isnít right.

Iím not sure yet if I will hit the point in that I wonít question myself and who I am on a regular basis, but I am getting tired of asking for the last 25 year, and I am really working to that end.


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#150935 - 04/15/07 10:35 AM Re: I think some changes are on the horizon for me [Re: TIN]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Taylor:
You've done a lot of good work trying to figure things out. What strikes me is that you've identified the possible payoff for your involvemeht with other men--- you keep control of the process by preventing it from becoming sexual.

You have an attractive exterior which attracts other men. What you are looking for, they essentially can't deliver and you end the relationship on your terms, even if you don't get what you say you are looking for.

I see many survivors exercising control in their behaviors, even when the behaviors are self-defeating or destructive. The issue of control is important for survivors. Having lost control in a sexual situation when the abuse took place, they frequently set up situations where they are in control of the present day activities. That can include use of porn, masturbation, avoidance of sex with the partner, over-eating, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, raging or grouchiness (which controls others with fear or avoidance), etc.

When you look at the behaviors you do, examine them through the lens of control. What are you gaining in terms of control of your environment or people? How does that relate to the sense of loss of control from the abuse?

Good issues to discuss with the therapist.

Ken


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#151090 - 04/16/07 08:45 AM Re: I think some changes are on the horizon for me [Re: TIN]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
TIN,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I'm glad you found us, and you sure start in with a big issue. There is so much to be said in response, but for now I want to just zero in on one point:

Originally Posted By: TIN
My abuse started when I was 10 to 12 and ended when I was 17 when I had the courage to push it away. The abuse was reinforced, which further compounded my confusion around understanding how men to men friendships work, when I was abused by another older boy around 15. A single incident on this second one, but it makes you ask, is this how it is suppose to be. I'm not sure the details are important, if you interested I can share later. Doubling the occurrences makes one think, Oh, I guess this is the way it suppose to be, but yet deep down, something just isn't right.


That feeling that perhaps this is how things are supposed to be, or how they will always be for you, is a survival from your thinking as a boy. I remember going theough the same thing. I was abused from age 10 to 14 and I thought it would never end. It didn't occur to me, for example, that a pre-teen boy is likely to outlive a 51-year-old adult. What made it easier for me to accept this jive was that after a point I was convinced of my own worthlessness; as so many other abused boys, I figured the abuse was happening because I didn't deserve anything better.

TIN, go ahead and ask your questions. They can't hurt you so long as you don't judge yourself for the terrible crimes committed by someone else. None of what happened was your fault. Not the abuse when you were little, and not the second incident when you were older.

I hope you will feel free to talk about all this further. There is so much to learn and process on our journey to healing, and here on MS you will find a lot of support and understanding.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151091 - 04/16/07 08:53 AM Re: I think some changes are on the horizon for me [Re: roadrunner]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Taylor,

Just to add a brief word to what others have already said: Abuse messes up a kid's emerging sense of sexuality and boundaries bigtime, and that confusion and damage is not something that time alone can heal. The boy will so often carry those feelings into adulthood and find it very difficult to arrive at a clear sense of who he is as a person, much less as a sexual person.

I have seen cases of it working both ways: a supposedly straight guy who discovers he is gay, as well as a man who thinks he's gay but really isn't. In any case, "gay" and "straight" aren't opposites; there are so many variations and possibilities in between, and I really wonder how many guys are absolutely one or the other.

Negotiating such a huge discovery isn't something I have experienced, but I can imagine it must take enormous reserves of confidence that many survivors don't yet have. It's one of those things that will just take time.

In the meantime, try to be gentle with yourself. You aren't at fault here, and your project is to repair the damage cruelly done by someone else.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151115 - 04/16/07 10:17 AM Re: I think some changes are on the horizon for me [Re: roadrunner]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Taylor

First of all welcome to the site, I hope you will find it as helpful as I did.

From the site I learned to really deal with the issues and I also understood better why I was acting the way I did.

Through my experiences of acting out I only looked for one thing. That was being held by a man and touched. That was the primary need and unfortunately as you know most men will only give that to you partially when having sex. I dont think to me the acting out was so much about the control. It was rather about the intimacy.

Anyway. Stay close

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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