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#151320 - 04/17/07 03:38 PM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: ChainBreaker]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Blown-away as in gone with the wind. Non-responding.

He always judged anything even remotely homosexual very harshly. If he's assigning any of the usual un-enlightened-blame to me...well...i know where this is coming from then, dont i.

We have been friends since we were 16. Clearly, its been a conditonal friendship...on the condition that I was never raped as a child.

My, i certainly chose poorly to be raped as a kid by older boys. i certainly chose poorly to live in hiding...as if it did'nt happen.

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#151332 - 04/17/07 04:17 PM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: Still]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Robbie, you have every right to be angry and upset. Sounds like you gave to him throughout the years and when you needed his support, he couldn't be there for you... But it is NOT about you. You didn't do anything wrong, and if he thinks you did, he's an ingnorant fool. It is about his ability to deal with what has happened. He may surprise you and come back after awhile, but regardless, it is not your fault, you did not choose any of what happened to you...not ANY of it!

Thinking of you and, as always, amazed by your strength to be dealing with this stuff - that is bravery.

Danny

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"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#151353 - 04/17/07 07:35 PM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: dannym]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Robbie,

I'll just ditto what Danny is saying. This crap is about HIS issues with homosexuality and sexual abuse based on a lot of ridiculous old myths. Certainly he has no clue about what it's like to go through what you experienced.

But the really important point is that none of that reflects on you, not in any way.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151391 - 04/17/07 11:28 PM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: roadrunner]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Holy Smokes, Robby. I'm so sorry about the flood and your "friend", all that stuff. The guys are right, of course. Your friend's issues are HIS. He's gonna have to face them sometime. Just sorry it has to be at this particular time.

One of the things I've discovered in life is that when we go through the things all the guys here are dealing with right now, we grow. Many times we do the growing and suddenly we find we don't have nearly as much in common with those around as as we once did. We move on, develop other friendships with individuals with whom we currently relate. That doesn't necessarily mean we abandon our old friends, but the changes in our lives take us in different paths.

I understand the hurt, Rob. I can't replace your friend, but you've made a bunch of new ones here. We'll be here.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#151393 - 04/17/07 11:43 PM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: WalkingSouth]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I know..and thank you.. I just wanted this deep connection from the past to be with me on this. having been close since 16, well, that really hurts a lot.

dont mean to beat a dead horse any more...its just hard you know

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#151427 - 04/18/07 09:20 AM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: Still]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Robbie,

I have been incredibly blessed in that almost everyone I have disclosed to has been instantly supportive and understanding. It has made such a difference. I had one case where a friend asked me if I feared becoming a child abuser myself now, but he was a close friend and I was in a pretty good place anyway, so it was possible to talk about it to him.

But...I have seen numerous cases where it just doesn't go so well, usually because the person hearing the news is so totally taken by surprise and finds himself unable to fathom what he's hearing. I've heard of one case, for example, where the survivor was asked by his friend, "So you're gay now?" Nonsense like that. And there are times where the (pseudo-)friend just backs off entirely. You may have a case like that with this guy. Who knows.

But it may be that he will think it over and wish to re-establish contact with you about this. So I would just suggest that you give some thought to how you will react if that happens. Don't wait for it or anticipate it; I'm just saying, "what if?" You may decide that you can't trust him, in which case, so be it. But you may figure that he just needed some time to process what you told him and had no idea how to respond at first.

You have been hurt and you have every right to your anger, but at the same time, you two guys have been friends for a LONG time. There are powerful feelings running here, and giving the whole situation some serious thought in advance might help to get the outcome - whatever that may be - to work the way that's best for you

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151431 - 04/18/07 09:32 AM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: roadrunner]
ChainBreaker Offline


Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 55
Loc: Michigan
Robbie,

I don't know your friend. (I suppose you're thinking right now that you didn't know him very well either.) Somehow, I feel, though, that he just needs time to process what he's heard. I am hopeful that he will come back and stand beside you again, but that right now he's just too overwhelmed. If he does come back, great. If he doesn't, to hell with him. But I think that maybe "blown-away" might really just mean "blown off his feet by the story he's just heard." I'd give him a few more days before concluding he's never going to talk to you again. You might even think about calling him up and saying "what gives?"

Your call, obviously, bro. I'll support whatever you decide. Just remember you always have good friends here.



Edited by ChainBreaker (04/18/07 09:34 AM)
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#151434 - 04/18/07 09:55 AM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: ChainBreaker]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
I've lost a few friends from disclosing. Some people have a lot of trouble dealing with pain. Don't judge your friend too harshly. Maybe he did bail on you, or maybe your disclosure brought him face to face with some pain of his own. Leave the door open for him and let things take their course.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#151444 - 04/18/07 10:53 AM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: Nobbynobs]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Robbie,

this sucks. I read this and am fearful that the two friends I am about to disclose to, will react similarly...

I guess it will always be the risk we take....but if we don't take the risk...we are assured of the outcome!

I think I'll still take the risk and deal with whatever happens.

But I do understand how deeply disappointed you feel - I can't help but think that if this guy and you have been friends since 16 yrs. old -- there has to be a bond there stronger than any fear or discomfort he may feel --- he may just need time to process!

Praying my friend!

Buzz


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#151452 - 04/18/07 11:22 AM Re: Feeling like a Fool [Re: buzz_key]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
rob we talked about this ,but i think its a good possibility that your friend has been abused and your disclosing to him sent him running in fear,how would you have reacted to somebody disclosing to you say ten years ago? you say he always talked bad about the kids he said just let sexual abuse happen ,kids who were abused by priests. seems real strange for that to be something he would dwell on ,especialy when you told me he was an altar boy! he hates those boys who just let it happen?how would he know that they just let it happen? also you said you knew him since the 70's so he couldnt have been abused,well he has known you just as long and he had no idea you were abused right? heh i think we are not the only good actors out there ,if you could hide it from him ,why couldnt he hide it from you? his reaction to me is the same kind of reaction most of us would have had a few years ago. its not a crime or a reflection on you if he cant deal with your disclosing,maybe he has secrets of his own and your disclosure is too close to home for him ? ,lets see he hates priests ,he hates boys who just let priests abuse them ,he ran away from your honesty , to me that says he just went into protection mode cause he is not ready or able to deal with stuff inside of him ,heh i just described most of us before we found friends here at ms. maybe its not you ,maybe its him ?

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