It reminds me of the kind of double-life I was living, being f*cked by my brother, yet trying to have a normal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with Janet by looking forward to going to the school dance with her, writing each other silly love notes, etc. Even then, I felt like a fraud though.
Man, do I ever hear that one loud and clear. In 8th grade there were two girls who were great friends of mine: Barbara and Becky. They taught me how to dance (well, they tried!) and we would sit around listening to a certain new artist by the name of Bob Dylan. I really liked Becky and asked her to a school dance, but not because I wanted anything from her; I just wanted her to feel special, because she WAS special. At the dance, however, I had a rough time. I wanted to hold her close during the slow songs, but that wasn't allowed and anyway, if you did that back then all your friends would laugh! The real reason I was uncomfortable, however, was that I felt so gross and unworthy when I was close to her. I wondered if she could smell anything on me or figure me out, and I didn't want anything or anyone to touch me. I was sooooooooo confused & scared.
But you with Janet and me with Becky, those were the real us still struggling and fighting back and trying to survive, Eddie. Not frauds at all, although yeah, absolutely, that's how I felt too.