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#150341 - 04/11/07 04:10 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: EGL]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Eddie, when you are ten yo, you think nobody will believe you.
What if they did? Are they gonna lock you up?
That is how kids think, and they are all alone wondering how or
even whether it is possible to tell and feel safe.

Kids think that if they tell, then they will be seen as willing
to have done it, nothing else.
A kid growing up is just about trying to gain credibility in his
worn out life without the hassle of being not believed.

It is the very basis on how our trust issues lie.
We had nobody who we could talk to and have listen to us.
No wonder we have ongoing trust issues,

ste


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#150342 - 04/11/07 04:15 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: reality2k4]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Lost,

What you said about everyone knowing if you were to tell, that's part of what kept me quiet as well. One of the threats my older brother used was that if I told then everyone would say I was gay. And another was that if I didn't do what he wanted, then he would tell all my friends what I had done with him previously so that they would think I was gay. Can you imagine what kind of mindfuck that does to a 12 year old boy? And I believed it all.

_________________________
Eddie

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#150344 - 04/11/07 04:33 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: EGL]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Eddie,

God, I can't even imgine. This sounds sick, but sometimes I feel lucky that my abuser only used guilt threats. Like your parents don't need to know this, they are so close to divorce anyway. UGh! It made me feel responsible, but somehow he was really kind about it? you know?

I found out what gay was many months later and was convinced that I was gay. All the more reason to keep it quiet. What horrible memories.

lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#150346 - 04/11/07 04:38 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
lost,

"It made me feel responsible, but somehow he was really kind about it?"

Yet another point. My third perp was kind about things too, though manipulative. That what gets me about these creeps. They range from kind to oppressive and the results are still the same: the victim is hurt, used up, etc. #@$%#%@#$ @#$%@#$#@%!

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#150348 - 04/11/07 04:47 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: FormerTexan]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
FT,

It's all violent!

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#150350 - 04/11/07 04:49 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
Let me PM you on that please.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#150365 - 04/11/07 06:17 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: MemoryVault]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
MV,

Originally Posted By: MemoryVault
One problem with telling other people is...how can a child tell someone else what happened if he doesn't have the words to describe it to himself? Did we know the word "abuse"? Did we understand that something was done to us that did more than just feel bad? Were we ready to advocate for ourselves if nobody understood?


Your comment reminded me of something I said in a long survivor story I wrote in conjunction with my therapy over a period of about a year. Here I'm talking about how things had developed over the first two years of abuse; I was 12 and then this happened:

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
Once I tried to tell my sister, and she was just looking at me waiting to hear what I had to say and I realized how totally messed up I was. I wanted to scream "Cathie Iím so scared. I canít make him stop", but the words wouldnít come out.


Your comment tells me why. I didn't have the words. I was 12. What prepared me for talking about this to my sister, who was a year younger than me?

So even when I knew things were getting bad and I was scared enough to tell someone, it still was just not going to happen.

It was shortly after this that he decided he wanted more and raped me for the first time. The first of many times.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#150366 - 04/11/07 06:18 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: EGL]
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Eddie

Quote:
I've been having a side conversation with a member here about some things, and part of that conversation was about whether anyone would have believed us when the abuse was going on if we had tried to tell them. And even if we did tell, and they did believe us, what then?


My abuse started when I was 11yo just as I started at boarding school. At first it was little more than some touching and masturbation but the two older boys wanted more, and they made sure they got it by arranging a 'gang session' with three other boys they had in their control. Basically I was beaten and raped for an afternoon.

An 11yo who's gone through that finds it hard to cover up, I was bruised and dirty and very upset, so I soon came to the attention of the headmaster who demanded to know what was going on.
I tried to lie and cover up, but I was no match for him and eventually told him what happened, and named names.

After his "investigation" it was determined that I was lying and given six strokes of the cane, and another six for the cigarettes that I had on me, hush payment.
The abusers lies were believed.

I hate that man more than all my abusers. He's long dead now, rotting in his own private hell.
That man did me more harm than anyone else.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#150372 - 04/11/07 06:45 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: Lloydy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dave,

Your answer to Eddie's "what then" question reminds me of what I wrote in the survivor story I did for my T. Abuse ended for me one evening when my Scoutmaster walked in just after the abuser had raped me yet again. I was a mess and it was pretty obvious what was going on. I remember little of this: I was hysterical and all I recall are just the shouting, then the Scoutmaster's arms around me as I cried and cried.

He got me cleaned up and told me he would take me home and tell my parents, but I freaked out and swore I would kill myself if he did that. So instead he took me home and said I had had an attack of asthma. For a long time I wondered if that had been the right decision, but in my survivor story I say this:

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
The Scoutmaster did the right thing. If he had taken me home and told my parents there would have been a shitstorm. My Dad was a Navy sapper in the Pacific war and was a hothead anyway where his family was concerned. If he had known, he would have gone looking for the abuser to kill him. Even if he had gotten out of jail after 20 years, still my sisters and I would have grown up without a father. And if what happened had been exposed, it would have been my word against the abuser's. I could have been dismissed as the bad boy with all the dirty stories - how would that have affected me? The basic reality is that this was 1963.

Another problem that I didn't know about then (my Dad brought this up when I told him everything in November 2005) was that the Scoutmaster was a foreman at the steel mill and the abuser was an executive in the same company. So again, whom would people have believed back then?


Did he do the right thing? Looking back now I still have trouble getting past the fact that the chances were pretty slim that a respected businessman would have been sent to jail on the word of a 14-year-old boy and a shop foreman. Even if he had been sent to jail, what would have happened to me? There was no therapy for CSA back then. I guess I would have been expected to "get over it". So I could have ended becoming even more fucked up.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#150384 - 04/11/07 07:29 PM Re: Would we have been believed? [Re: Lloydy]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
as i stated inmy other post...my father caught my broyher screwing me.....so they knew...it wasnt discussed...was my fault...i was the bad one....it continued...then other boys as well......my child world wast the same as these adults world....i wasnt let in thier world...i was just a kid...what do i know.......today kids are bombarded with knowledge of being safe...abuse...ect...in my day....we didnt know we had rights...didnt know anything about bad touching...whats that???????????your brother was expermitting.....they looked the other way....they were not concerned...they couldnt make the connection.....my failing grades in school..i was just stupid and lazey to them....so why even bother trying to tell...i allready knew the outcome....steve


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