sorry if it seems like i'm "invading" F&F, but i'm just trying to learn future pitfalls to avoid, hope that's OK, maybe there's some perspective i can offer from "the other side" too-
I was never abused by my mother, but one of my HUGEST resentments was feeling a complete lack of privacy, even mentally; my mother's always been very intelligent and perceptive, and would make even minor deceptions nigh-impossible. I would imagine most non-survivor children have strong needs for separate identity establishment and privacy, past a certain age; but for me, i felt that keenly much earlier, for obvious reasons. I think mom saw this, and it bothered her, and made her try harder to pick my brain, and felt OK w/ "tricking" me into talking/being less secretive; or, if i was stubborn about it, she'd be unable to hide her frustration at not getting 100% from me, and inform me she'd get to the bottom of it, one way or another..listening to my phone conversations, etc. This was all even before i was abused the 2nd time @ 12. Of course, the harder she pushed, or the more clever her psychology or detective work, the more desperate i became to gain a place she couldn't reach me, and the more determined my resistance became. I didn't WANT her to "understand" me; i wanted out of the fishbowl, or to find a nice tear-proof curtain for it. "But i'm your MOTHER!" Yeah. Exactly, Mom. How 'bout cracking open an ice-cold can of BACK OFF? Many other times, however, i was grateful to have such a smart mom who i could go to w/ stuff, (excepting the abuse, NOBODY got that out of me) and who knew how to make me smile.
My point is, if i had these boundary issues, w/o maternal SA, i can't even imagine what Rob might have on his plate. i know that my boundary issues got replayed in my past relationships; i was always searching for that dream woman who was intelligent and empathetic enough to love me, and "read" me well, but who was *never* frustrated by arbitrary emotional/mental "NO TRESPASSING" signs being suddenly erected.
...What do you mean, "there is no such animal?" heh.
More vicious cycles ensued, etc. Of course, i tended to find women w/ boundary issues of their own, which didn't help matters.
...Well, typing all this helped me out a little; i hope it offered you something too.
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III