So recently I have been trying to get my head straight. I am having a lot of problems with what I believe to be depression and have had trouble with my addictions (pot, porn, sex and nicotine).

The problem is that I'm functionally fucked, for lack of a better word. I manage to muddle through in spite of all the things I get involved in. I have been trying to avoid the pot and the cigarettes by not leaving the house when I feel like I want to be distracted, so that I don't go buy those things. The sex and porn have been more difficult. Because I have a wonderful girlfriend, who doesn't really know the full extent of my mother's abuse but is amazingly supportive, I have managed to avoid acting on any urges that would screw up our relationship, but they still exist. I find that I have been fixated on wanting a threesome lately. She has a lot of hot friends. I don't believe that wanting a threesome in itself isn't especially bad, but the GF isn't into it and I am becoming kind of obsessed with the idea. I think my problem is that I dont know whats normal and what isn't. I dont know what the threshold should be. I need someone to reset my moral compass. Anyway, as a replacement, Ive gotten back into porn and masturbation, and this is bad because I'm back to binging on porn - very nasty porn sometimes - and doing all the things that set off the flags like skipping work and missing appointments.

I can't admit the porn thing to anyone because full disclosure would have people viewing me with disgust.

The depression is cycling back toward the bad side again. I have never taken drugs for it, because every time I've seen a shrink they told me I was fine, but I don't feel fine. I can't sleep and I'm unmotivated and hopeless feeling. I have a great deal of despair for the world around me and everything seems pointless. I wish there was a drug I could take to make me feel motivated and energetic again. I don't care about anything but paying the bills and thats not me. I want my inspirations to last more than a few minutes.

Does anyone know of any drugs that do this? Is there something I could ask a psychiatrist for specifically on referral? I just want to be able to get out of bed without 14 hours of sleep and pull myself away from the porn and focus on things that matter like work, exercise, and hobbies. If I could just get rid of my apathy and feelings of hopelessness I feel like the other things will just fix themselves.

Thanks for letting me get this all out.

Boy,

On your question about medication for depression, that's a serious business and it's really not a good idea to self-medicate. There are many alternatives and not all of them work for everyone. Usually a doctor has to just try one combination of drugs after another until one finally works. And once you are on medication your doctor will want to see you regularly to keep track of how you are doing. Sometimes the meds need to be changed.

Here in the UK it's the doctor and not the therapist who prescribes medication for depression. If you are feeling so miserable, it's crazy that anyone should tell you you're fine. No you aren't! I would go see another doctor.

On the other stuff - pot, porn, interest in a threesome - it seems to me that those are all ways you have found to react to a common problem. I think any boy who is being abused by his own mother would be incredibly traumatized and desperate to find some way to cope. In many cases the boy just closes down emotionally and in a way "refuses" to feel anymore.

As he grows up his coping strategies will just come along with him into adulthood. In your case, it looks like what you are doing is trying to find ways to feel again, especially where enjoyment of sex is concerned. Any of these might help temporarily, but they aren't a solution and never will be; each time you will just sink back to where you were before, and that will leave you searching for yet other ways to feel. You refer to depression and apathy and I think that about sums it up.

The good news is that at least you recognize you have a problem. It took me years to admit that, and then a long time to seek the help I needed. One day I would deny I needed help, and the next I would be afraid I would be blamed, ridiculed, shamed, or told I was crazy. You are so right in seeing a need for healthier activities in your life.

I am no therapist or doctor, but I think item numero uno needs to be dealing with the depression. Survivors often find it difficult to ask for what they need, but if one doctor tells you you're fine, you just have to insist you are NOT. If that doctor won't help you, find another doctor.

Try not to judge yourself for your feelings. I have in mind what you say here:



I don't think it's abnormal to be fascinated with the idea of a threesome, or if it is, there are a LOT of abnormal guys out there!!!!! Your problem is the same as what many other guys struggle with: a lack of good boundaries and a feeling of inability to set such boundaries. It's not unique to you, and it's a result of abuse that any therapist would expect to see.

We all struggle with the problem of what's "normal", but my response to that is "fuck normal". We are all different and have different interests and needs sexually. In my opinion what we need to do is ask ourselves 1) am I being totally honest with myself about my sexual feelings and issues?, 2) am I being open and responsible with my sexual partner(s) and attentive to their needs as well?, and 3) do I feel fulfilled sexually? If we can answer yes to all those questions we should be okay.

Just some thoughts, my friend. You raise a lot of important topics here.

Much love,
Larry

Thanks for your insight, Larry. I think you make a very apt point about a lack of boundaries. Indeed, with me I often feel like that part of the brain that tells you you've gone too far is defective with me. Sometimes that can be an asset but often it creates awkward social situations.

In the USA Psychiatrists have the ability to dispense medication whereas Psychologists are session-therapy oriented. Many have a degree that allows them to fill both roles.

I think what I should try to do is find a practitioner that specializes in abuse victims. Two things keep me from getting deeply involved with therapy: the amount of time it take to build up a rapport with a therapist and a general pessimism from my past experiences with them always telling me I'm fine, or checking my thyroid or something.

Are there any posters who can vouch for success when treated by a therapist?

Thanks for your insights.

Boy,



Absolutely. Have you seen Ken Singer's article on the site about shopping for a therapist? I think finding one with experience in male abuse issues is essential.

The time a therapist takes to build up trust is also essential. Otherwise the survivor will find it difficult to speak openly and honestly when it comes to the rough stuff. But if you feel you can already trust the T and just want to get on with things, say so. If you are really ready the T should be willing to move forward with you.



I have been blessed with very positive experiences with all of the four therapists I have seen. Two have been long-term and two were short-term, but all were excellent and helped me a lot. But ALL of them were experienced in dealing with male abuse issues.

Much love,
Larry

Boy,

I've been to 4 or 5 different therapists with very limited success. It was not until I found a therapist who specializes in CSA that I noticed some huge changes in my life. I've been seeing him for about 5 years now. I'm still dealing with addictions such as nicotine and over eating and I still have "mom" and "authority" issues. I still have some very real issues to work out, but he was able to help me get to a point where I'm actually "living my life" to a degree that I never thought possible! Yes, I have been blessed with a wonderful therapist!

Brian

No name,

I have been to four therapists, and have found one that I plan to stick with for a while. I had/have some of the same addictions you mentioned - but have been able to gradually step away from them over time. Seems like the deeper I am willing to go, (and deal with the pain) life gets better on the other side. I still have the authority and women issues like Brian, but life is much, much, better since being in therapy for four years now. The good T's are out there...but IMO you must find one that has experience dealing with male sexual abuse. It gets ugly in the room, and you need to know that your T will stick with you.

Peace.

Paul David