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#149460 - 04/07/07 04:26 PM Rant---Triggers (maybe-I don't know)
deck Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/06
Posts: 109
Loc: Indiana
I know people say that thereís nothing to fix-that there is nothing wrong with me. But there is. There is something missing. Something crucial, something basic that I just donít seem to have. If I wasn't f-ed up then I wouldn't be in counseling, I wouldn't be depressed all the time and I wouldn't be taking medication. Am I the only one that feels this way? I feel like a failure, like Iíve never succeeded at anything. Women tell me that I am ďa nice guyĒ, ďa good friendĒ but also make it clear that thatís all they see me as. I told my brother not long ago that I am a good person but a terrible man. I hate this $h!t !!!

Its intimacy, romance, love, sex- I just seem incapable of it!! I cannít imagine someone wanting me and the few times when a woman did seem interested-I felt like I had lied and misled them. Huge amounts of guilt. So even if the situation existed, I cann't believe that I would succeed. The ugliness in me seems to permeate every part of my essense. I hear about and see the support of other peopleís partners, wives and girlfriends out here. No one sees me as a worthwhile life partner. No one sees me as worth the trouble. No one ever really has. And even if they did-would it be fair to them to hoist my trouble ridden soul upon them? It's not that I am not involved, it's that there doesn't seem to be an option. That there doesn't seem to be any hope.

I just want to know how to fix this. Give me the formula, tell me the steps, whatever!!! I want to know how to stop feeling this way. Or I want to go back to not feeling. I hate this. And Iím getting tired.

Sorry to be a pain. Sorry to balther. I'm just sorry.


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#149465 - 04/07/07 05:02 PM Re: Rant---Triggers (maybe-I don't know) [Re: deck]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
Deck < I feel the same way alot of the time. When I get those feelings I try to remember what it was like not to feel. I have found that in the long run feeling is a good thing as opposed to not feeling. I know it sounds trite, but just recalling when emptiness was all I felt, makes me realise its a hell of alot better to have real emotions than having to fake them for the sake of those around me. I hope this makes some kind of sense to you.

_________________________
mack

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#149483 - 04/07/07 07:45 PM Re: Rant---Triggers (maybe-I don't know) [Re: mack]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Deck,

You aren't blathering. What you are saying makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, this thing doesn't work that way. There is no simple answer, and it doesn't just go back into the background. Once the memories start coming, we have to walk through them.

You aren't alone in this journey. Stick with the counseling and keep moving forward.


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#149504 - 04/07/07 09:50 PM Re: Rant---Triggers (maybe-I don't know) [Re: Dewey2k]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Deck,

Speaking for myself, when I tell a guy there's nothing wrong with him I mean there's nothing wrong with him as a person. But there is plenty wrong with us in terms of our feelings about ourselves and about our place in the world. That's the unseen catastrophe of abuse and that's what has to heal.

I don't recall if you are in therapy, but this is where a T is so important. He/she helps us to deal with the causes of our problems, causes that can be very difficult for us to see and understand. There's no single way forward, but I do think there is a way for all of us.

I say that as a guy who - not so many years ago - was convinced there could never be a way for him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#149530 - 04/08/07 01:41 AM Re: Rant---Triggers (maybe-I don't know) [Re: roadrunner]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Deck,

It's not just you. I swear. Everything you wrote is completely true about my own experiences as well. From so many people trying to convince me that nothing was wrong with me. To relationships failing time after time because I couldn't allow anyone to love me.

Your frustration and anger are justified. Completely and totally. None of this is your fault. The challenge now is to take that anger and channel it into healing instead of turning it back in on yourself. How do you do it? There's not magic formula, and no fast track. Every person must walk their own healing path. The one thing I can tell you is that the important thing is to find ways to turn yourself from being the enemy of yourself into your friend.

You can do it.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#149912 - 04/09/07 07:33 PM Re: Rant---Triggers (maybe-I don't know) [Re: tartugas]
deck Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/06
Posts: 109
Loc: Indiana
HeyGuys,

Thanks so much for your comments. I've just been so frustrated lately. Sometimes I think it's never gonna change. I know all I can do is keep going. I just feel like Im walking thru a dark room trying to find my way out.

Thanks for the support!
deck


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#149915 - 04/09/07 07:55 PM Re: Rant---Triggers (maybe-I don't know) [Re: deck]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Deck,

Originally Posted By: deck
I just feel like Im walking thru a dark room trying to find my way out.


That's why we need to ask for and accept the help we need. Things do change, and in fact they get a lot better. It just takes time and we have to learn to accept it as it comes, and until it does come we just keep going, as you said.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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