Help me
Hold me
Let me spend the night with you
Let me be afraid with you
Let me show you how afraid I am of who I am
Let me show you all the things I can't let others see
Let me spread my shame out on the floor in front of you
And let me stand naked in front of you
Tears streaming down my cheeks
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to be
I don't know who I am
I want to be strong
And yet, I need to let you see these things
Someone must know
Someone must know how bad I hurt
Someone must know how much it hurts for me to live

And then I don't know what good that will do
For I will be afraid that you will find me weak
Isn't that crazy
To want you to see how weak I am
How bad I hurt
How desperate I am
But to not want you to think less of me for it
And I don't want your pity either

I just want to sort of sit down in the middle of it all and cry
Like a small child who doesn't know what else to do
Like a small child whose toys have been destroyed
In the midst of chaos
With no one around
And all he can do is sit and look at it and cry
Because he doesn't know where to start to fix it
To make it better

And I don't know if I want to make it better
For I have no concept of better
I don't know what that means
I don't know if better exists
For me
I have lived like this forever
Covering up the little boy
Hiding him
Letting him out in the middle of the night when no one was there to see
Afraid to let anyone see
What if they knew

Well,
What if they knew

I am beyond myself
I am beyond trying any more
But I would like you to hold me one more time
And tell me that you love me
And that things will be all right
And that you will take care of me

Of course, I know that's all a lie
Of course, I know I'm weak
I've always known
And gradually I'm learning to believe
To understand
Who I am
What I am
And I'll admit it soon

So hard to know that you're unlovable
That there is nothing to you
That you're nothing but facade
And so tired you cannot keep it up for long
Soon they all will see who you are
All of them
See
A good day, I think
When they know
At least then you can rest
Perhaps sleep

Will you hold me then
That day
When finally I quit fighting him
Them
And be what he always said I was
Finally give in
I am so very, very tired of the fight

Bobby,



What a wonderful comparison. I think you are so right Bobby. But the difference is that now we do have tools to help us find a way to put things back together, as well as safe people and friends to advise and support us.

I know you must be so tired of the fight. But can you look back and see that each time in the past you have found the strength to carry on? I think we all have that strength, even we are sure our resources are utterly exhausted.

Much love,
Larry

bobby with the stuff you write here ,there is nothing left to hide. if one person loves you you cant be unlovable right ?no matter how much it feels like thats the way it should be,it cant be if just one person loves you . i love you bobby. adam