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#149883 - 04/09/07 05:25 PM The Fear of Loving
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
So afraid
Of loving
Of being
Never sure
Of anything
What I think
What I know
Right
Wrong
Always in a maze
Never getting out
Afriad to love
Afraid of not loving
Afraid that all love will be false and cruel
Why love
When loving is your greatest fear
The greatest chance you ever take
I wake up nights and think about the love
How good it feels
The misery of how good it feels
For all my love is wrapped in fear
Sleeping with a soft, sweet Teddy bear
With a bomb inside
And yet to love you must trust
Thanks for that
Thanks for that, Dad
Thanks for taking that away from me
Trust?
Trust?
No
How?
You took my trust and smashed it across a rock
Beside my broken body
My soul
Trust?
There can be no trust
No safety
Only fear now
Constant fear that he is coming soon
That he is standing behind every door
Ready to come in and take his prize
I hate loving
Because I hate the fear it brings
My need for love insatiable
A desperate need
A small child's need for comfort
Being held
Being valued above all
And fear that to have it
Is to have it ripped away
To realize that it never was
That it was you who had imagined caring
Stripped bare
It is merely pain
And what to do
Take a chance
Let it happen
Dare to hope the love is real
Cling to it
Hold it close
For, if you hold it tight enough, it cannot get away
It has to be real
Yours for all time
Yours to keep
I hate to fear
And yet I need so much to love
That I will risk the fearing
And hope that this one will not be like the first
When I thought he was coming to love me
And he ripped me from my soul.


_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#149900 - 04/09/07 07:04 PM Re: The Fear of Loving [Re: Bobby]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bobby,

Originally Posted By: Bobby
And yet I need so much to love
That I will risk the fearing
And hope that this one will not be like the first


So well put, as usual. And that's the challenge for all of us, I think. To learn to trust again when our past experience warns us of danger. But that danger is past, just as the abuse is. Perhaps that truth is a place to start.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#150019 - 04/10/07 09:27 AM Re: The Fear of Loving [Re: roadrunner]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
I really liked this Bobby. I like Larry's excerpt of your poem too.

Thank You - It lights on a lot I have been thinking about -

My thoughts on my personal life are coming full circle to this -

If I may talk a bit - about where my thoughts go -

I heard a song recently "Unbreak my heart" - it really hit me this time - though I had heard it many times before -

I care about you Bobby - I want you to find the strength within you to be happy with yourself - and feel the mastery of your life - and strength about things.

Your poetry belies to me that you will!

Personally, I always thought I had to put relationships off because i was not perfect - or even be perfect in the relationships -
life is today - it is now - I am unemployed - and different - but

we all have gifts - in ourselves. So - I can risk the loving too -

and hope - but also - with healing your vision for better things - comes clearer!



Edited by markgreyblue (04/10/07 09:27 AM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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