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#149302 - 04/06/07 07:44 PM I am here because I feel isolated
J47 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 6
I know we have a story to tell. After all we wouldn't be here if we didn't. Why do I feel like my story is different? Like its worse than anyone else's in here? Yet I do. I think I had the worse experirnce as a child imaginable. I feel like God was asleep while I was growing up or simply didn't care. I feel like I died and what's really left of me is a mere shell. I feel alone.

You see I was raped at 4 by my then 16 yr old cousin. But it didn't stop there. My screams were ignored by my mom when I would beg not to leave me with him, but I was just a brat that deserved to be smacked and hushed up with force. You see, I was physically abused by my overly stressed mother who at the time was mother to 7 with more on the way. My dad was never around and when he was they fought and he would force her to have sex with him. Violence was what I saw and knew as a child. Then my dad killed himself when I was 8, literally shattering any possibility of a childhood for me. My abuser continued to use me, and even introduced a young uncle of mine to me and he too used me. I felt like they were the only ones that loved me because they would pay attention to me. Yeah it hurt but so did my mother's brand of love.
I grew up and the abuse shifted to another uncle, who started using me when I turned 13 and that lasted well into my teens. I stopped protesting and instead began to give into it. I thought, heck seems like all the males in my life used me, it must be normal. I became promiscous and felt that any male attention from friends and older men alike meant that they wanted to have sex with me. I believed that all men wanted from me was sex and that is how men share intimacy.
Of course, now I know that its a disturbed way of viewing all men that way. But, I can't help it. So I am an adult, I don't trust anyone. Have attempted to commit suicide several times. Suffer from post traumatic disorder. Have 2 failed heteorsexual marriages because at the end of the day, the only sex I feel comfortable with is homosexual sex. Then that leads me to depression because I wonder if I was taught to like it and I wasn't and am not gay at all! And then that leads to other feelings of shame and guilt and on and on it goes.
I don't trust anyone and have no friends, no life nada. Like I said, I feel like a shell of a human being, walking talking, eating and going through the motions. But at the end of the day, I am dead already. I pray to God and everything but honestly I even wonder if he exists because if he does, how could he stand by and let all this crap happen to me? Why me?

J


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#149324 - 04/06/07 10:10 PM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: J47]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hello, J, and welcome to MS. It sounds like you had a really tough go of things, and I'm sorry to hear it. I'm glad you found MS, though, because I think it can help you. This is a great place to let your emotions finally out about the past, and to get support from others who have been where you have. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. All men need to know that, J. It is so very critical to the start of the healing.

Again, glad you're here and hope you can post again when you feel like it.

_________________________
Eddie

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#149340 - 04/06/07 11:00 PM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
J,

I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry to hear all the crap that has been dished out to you. There's no easy way past all this, but it does help to have other guys you can talk to and who will understand you and not judge you.

I'll just echo what Eddie has said. You've been badly messed up by others; none of it is your fault, and anyone here will understand how you have reacted in adulthood to what happened as a child. I hope you will hang on with us here. Just get used to the site, see what it has to offer, and participate as you feel comfortable.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#149366 - 04/07/07 01:29 AM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: roadrunner]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Let me, too, welcome you J. to the site. You have experienced trauma at several levels and relationships. With so many uncles interested in you, I wonder what happened in their own childhoods and am amazed that they would let each other know what they were doing with you!! You are not alone - you'll hear that often from the members probably because that's how we all felt, alone, before coming here! This is the place to explore, ask questions,not let society put us down and to not feel alone again. We are all survivors with horrible stories! You are in the right place,J. We are here for you!!


Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#149370 - 04/07/07 02:08 AM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: ScottyTodd]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Welcome to Male Survivor, J, although I wish our meeting were under better circumsances. I'm glad you found the site, and I hope you find the help here that I have.


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#149441 - 04/07/07 03:05 PM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: Dewey2k]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
J,

I too, welcome you to our home here on the web. Glad you found us. Come on in and get acquainted. You'll begin to connect with guys and soon you'll discover that there are men here that can be trusted. Many of us have found this place to be a huge benefit in our recovery. Hope you find it the same.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#149765 - 04/09/07 12:39 AM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: WalkingSouth]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
J,

I’m so glad you did fail to take your life and that you found us here at MS.

You may have felt alone and abandoned by “God” but you are not alone here. Furthermore we understand everything that happened to you, that way you tried to live your life and how you “gave in”.

None of it was your fault.

Between myself and others that I know here at MS, we can ALL identify with EVERYTHING that was done to you and EVERYTHING that happened through your life as a result. You are not alone in where you’ve ended up today and recovery is possible.

I hope that even after reading a couple of these posts you can see some glimmer of hope, acceptance and trust. It can and does get better. Stay with us.


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#149768 - 04/09/07 12:55 AM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: Grunty1967b]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11047
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome, J.

I'm sad that all that happened to you. So awful. You will find many folks here who can relate to what you have endured.



Edited by FormerTexan (04/11/07 01:42 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#149803 - 04/09/07 06:50 AM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: FormerTexan]
J47 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 6
Thanks guys! I really appreciate the kind words of support. What is shocking me is that all these years I was believeing that if I reached out, people would scorn me and here I feel among my own as there wasn't one word of accusation in the replies I have recieved.

I feel like I am damaged goods and yesterday I was watching a movie called "Adam and Steve", and in one scene Steve was telling Adam that while he loved him and wanted a relationship, he was afraid that both of them were damaged goods. Adam, responded that he "may be damaged goods, but he was goods nevertheless." That hit home to me, because I don't see the "goods" about myself. I try, I just can't.


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#149907 - 04/09/07 07:16 PM Re: I am here because I feel isolated [Re: J47]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
J47,

You are right: not a single word of accusation. This place is about support and healing, not judgment and blame. We have all had enough of the latter already.

That feeling that you are damaged goods is something you have carried along from childhood. It's a false judgment that most survivors make about themselves, largely because as boys they blamed themselves for what was done to them by others.

You will gradually learn to challenge that feeling and it will fade, but unfortunately it's not something you can just wish away. Like everything else in recovery, you have to give it time, be gentle with yourself, and learn to acknowledge and take pride in your victories as they come.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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