Pete,

welcome here. As you have already heard, nothing really of your post is unusual. That is rather sad, isn't it? The context we all live in.

I think it was most natural to have physical response to some of what we gone through. I think it maybe is more unusual to not have that physical response. It is body, it is chemistry, it is not us 'wanting' anything. But I think it do make us feel more guilty, like we were a part of it, when the body responds.

I hope that you will find this site as helpful as I have. I have been here over a year, and still continue to learn something each time I come here. I wish you well, and good luck with the journey.

Leosha

Hi everyone,

I know that speaking in "we" terms is a no-no around recovery circles. Several times as I was pouring my "stream of consciousness" into the computer screen, I tried to stop myself and reorder and express myself less absolutely. I decided not to censor myself because, dammit, some things are packed in "we-ness", particularly these issues that are shared in common.

"we" eat
"we" breathe
"we" fear
"we" have common reactions to incidences of sexual assault
"we" ( fill in the blank) ..............I think you catch my drift.

I am sorry if I came off as insensitive; I am really just like most people, trying to breathe, sometimes from underneath buried feelings and pain, and other times through joy and (fill in the blank) .


Ron

Again, driving into work this morning, I pondered all the great responses. It never occurred to me that the abuser (perp) at camp had targeted me. It’s hard to describe the overwhelming and conflicting emotions that churned inside me. Yes… he was or –is- a premeditating perp! But, he was nice to me, he liked me, he made me feel special… But, he screwed my mind up… I spent frustrating years fantasizing about the encounter deeply desiring the attention and mixing up the sexual attack with caring love…. He didn’t care… he USED me… but it felt so good, it was so powerful… it was so secret… it was so shameful…..

Men… thank you for helping me through all this. I deeply want to learn proper boundaries and be able to develop healthy male friendships.

Pete

Charlie2004,

I just want to say thank you. By coming forward and telling your story you're allowing yourself to heal as well as others. The more we find that we are not alone, the more we find ourselves able to find support in our silent suffering. People here have been raped/abused at all ages. I, for one, am an adult survivor of male on male rape.

The fact that you've decided to begin this journey is a testament to your character. Welcome brother, I hope that you can find help here and know that you're not alone.

Someone said it to me on my first post and I really like to repeat it. Welcome to the tree house. It sucks that you had to find us, but we're here.

Take it easy,
Fusion

Hi Pete,

Sorry to dig up this old post of yours. I read it last night. Later after I went to bed I was thinking about the experience you mentioned...



Then suddenly I got a chilling flashback...a repressed memory came back (I think). It was just a flash of a mental image though. As soon as it popped into my mind it left. It was a flashback to an entirely different occasion of SA and a different perp. I tried to bring back the memory again but I couldn't. Oh man this is disturbing for me. Wow.

Thanks for all of your encouragement Pete!
God bless,
Mike

Sans Logos - Thank you for you insight. It was very helpful to me.

Charlie - I've only been here two months. I feel your pain along with my own. There's nothing I can say that would be as great as what others have said. I hate scouting. I have two boys and I wouldn't let them go into scouting. It wasn't your fault, but that is easy to say. I just said to my therapist the other day, "What did I do to make this happen?" as I sobbed. We have all thought this and I don't think that ever goes away. But being rational, it wasn't our fault was it? We put out adult rationalizations onto our memory of being 13 or 14 and wonder why we let it happen. We couldn't help it because we were only kids and not adults. I wondered why I let my dad molest me as I just lied there. I wonder now why I didn't pick up a knife and kill him. We just took it and it wasn't out fault. I hope you understand.

no prob lw1527, glad you are with us. please stay.

ron

Thanks Guys!

This post of mine is almost 4 years old and I can remember vividly how difficult it was for me to push the submit button. The accepting and affirming replies help put me on the path to recovery.

Guys, I have changed so much over this time span... I am so much better today than when I first posted this thread. I am living proof that we can get better!

Have I finished my journey? No, but I am well on my way. Take heart guys, it really does get better!

Mike, thank you for bumping this up. God Bless you all.

Peter

Thank you for your post on the scout camp. The way you begin it as quoted above, sounds very much like the setting for abuse I experienced at a boy scout camp.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post219028

I look forward to reading your future posts.

Puffer