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#149287 - 04/06/07 05:46 PM Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex.
onlyakid Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I used (atleast I hope this is over) to get triggered whenever I hear about 12/13 year olds and them liking girls, etc. I used to think that those statements meant that kids that age (I was 13 and in 7th grade when I was abused) knew about girls and sex and dating. I also thought that that meant that I should have known better and known that what my older brother (who was almost 17) and I were doing wasn't normal. However I've come to realize that, that age is the age where you are just starting to learn about sex and how coming from someone you trust and look up to, infomation on sex is craved and you have no way at 13 to verify if that is true and actually coming from a big brother you probably wouldn't question.

So basically what I'm come to learn is at 13, I knew about girls, knew nothing or VERY little about sex.



_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#149290 - 04/06/07 05:59 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: onlyakid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
JTT,

OMG, let me tell you bro, there are so many cases here where, as a boy, the survivor knew NOTHING about sex. I was first abused at age 10 and that continued about weekly for the next 5 years, but it wasn't until the age of 12 that I figured out that this had something to do with sex.

Naive, right? Yes. But that was my right! I was a kid. It wasn't my responsibility to know about such things, not in any way, and not EVER.

And even if you knew about sex, that does not put you, at the age of 13, in a position to resist an abuser who was someone you thought you could trust. None of it was your fault. You weren't just abused; your trust was betrayed. No kid can ever be held accountable for not knowing that something like that could happen.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#149292 - 04/06/07 06:12 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Me too! I knew nothing of sex. Once I did learn, I realized that what had happened to me was WRONG...and was against nature. I actually thought that I could have become pregnant (lol--kinda).

From there, I viewed ALL sex as wrong and evil.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#149293 - 04/06/07 06:33 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: Still]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
JTT,

***TRIGGERS***

Larry is very correct above when he says that it was not our responsibility to know about sex at such young ages. We were supposed to be busy just being little boys - not being abused in such terrible ways. I was 12 when my older brother started in on me, and I even had a "girlfriend", Janet. But I knew NOTHING about sex. When he had an orgasm on me, I wondered why he was urinating on me. That's how clueless I was. It's not your fault, not my fault, not any of our fault. The fault lies with the abusers.

_________________________
Eddie

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#149309 - 04/06/07 08:45 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: EGL]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Larry... I didn't know you when you were here before. BUT.. If you will just keep posting, I won't have to. AMEN to everything you said.

Eddie, you too!!

That broken trust is just soooo devastating!!!!

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#149310 - 04/06/07 08:46 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: Still]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Robbie,

*****possible trigger*****

Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
From there, I viewed ALL sex as wrong and evil.


Another "Me too!!" My Dad gave me "the talk" when I was 12. I had heard the word "rape" and asked him what it meant, so that evening we sat down together and he explained things to me. What should have been something special left me horrified. Not only did I discover the abuser was doing sexual things to me, but my Dad also explained what rape is. "Rape is when a man has sex with a woman and she doesn't want it. It's a very bad crime." With a woman?, I thought. What about me? I already felt like I must be so bad and dirty, but now it was much worse. I have no idea how long I wailed into my pillow that night, and from then on I regarded sex as something that adults do to hurt children.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#154061 - 05/02/07 11:11 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Update: I thought I had gotten over this but I haven't I still get triggered by talk about boys knowing about sex at 12-13. And its not even recent shows. I'm watching reruns of Alice on the ION television network, and this is the second episode from 1977 where Tommy (Alice's 12 year old boy) refers to sex. The first time he refers to watching Charlies Angels, "the last thing I was thinking about was church" when he forgot about the church bake sale for Sunday School, and now walks in on the adults who just found $40,000 and when he asks them why they are acting weird,

Adults: "We were having a discussion"
Tommy (12): "what about?"
Adults: "You don't want to hear it".
Tommy (12): "Talking about sex huh?"
Adults: "No we're not talking about sex"
Tommy (12): "Then your right I don't want to hear it"
(Laugh track)

I can't get thru my head, my brain just doesn't want to listen

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#154066 - 05/02/07 11:41 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Excuse me while I work this out in my head. For some reason its theraputic when I write it down here on the board

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
My Dad gave me "the talk" when I was 12.


I never got "The talk". I guess that would have factored in. Maybe I should actually listen to my sig "I'm not like everybody else".

My only problem is really truly believing all of this.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#154100 - 05/03/07 06:37 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: onlyakid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

I think the most important thing you need to bear in mind here is that boys have a RIGHT to grow up, mature and awaken sexually at their own pace and in a way that they feel comfortable with. That can be at different ages for different boys, and a boy well into puberty may still not care about sex at all.

What a boy will absolutely care about is belonging to his peer group. Remember all the bullshit that guys would say, each pretending to be knowledgable about sex or at least interested in it? That's not about sex, it's about fear of being an outsider.

Jason, a lot of boys didn't (and still don't) get "the talk". Whether you did or ddn't doesn't say or mean anything about you as a person. But I think so many here will know what you mean about feeling "I'm not like everybody else".

I think that's a big part of our emotional reaction to the abuse. At least it was for me. I thought for a long time that I was all alone in abuse - I was sure that no other kid was getting treated like this.

But it's also a part of our general insecurity as growing boys. I don't have this. I can't do that. Everybody else is better at X or Y or Z. And so on.

I hope you will talk more about this. It will help you see that your feelings about this subject are shared by so many others. You aren't alone at all, my friend.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#154107 - 05/03/07 07:23 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
I have that much in common with some others here - when "what sex is" began to dawn on me, that was the time I truly started to understand that what happened to me was wrong. Regardless of what I had been doing or what was done to me, or whether I connected the word "sex" with any of it, the fact is at the time of the abuse I really just had NO idea. It was just "that stuff".


Originally Posted By: roadrunner
What a boy will absolutely care about is belonging to his peer group. Remember all the bullshit that guys would say, each pretending to be knowledgable about sex or at least interested in it? That's not about sex, it's about fear of being an outsider.


That's it. Boys strive to be seen as "tough/cool", and I guess being tough/cool means "knowing about" sex. Hearing the pretentious little bastards never triggered me as I was growing up, though, it just pissed me off. Then I would come to my senses and realize that I was feeling...proud? And then I'd start to hate myself.



Edited by melliferal (05/03/07 07:24 AM)
_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#154117 - 05/03/07 08:13 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: melliferal]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Melliferal,

Originally Posted By: melliferal
Then I would come to my senses and realize that I was feeling...proud? And then I'd start to hate myself.


Oh man, can I ever relate to that one! My friends and I were sitting around once and the term "BJ" came up. Most of us didn't know what that referred to, but one boy did - heard about it from his older brother of course. He told us, and all the other boys were disgusted and saying, "Ewwwwwwww", things like that.

I just shuddered. I wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear forever. I had been giving bjs for years already and didn't even know the slang for it. And again, I could see that none of this was happening to other boys.

And they were saying "Ewwwww" about me.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154128 - 05/03/07 08:44 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: onlyakid]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I can so understand this one....as years into my abuse, I never realised that what I was doing was sex, let alone abuse. Though I gradually realised I had to hide it, keep it a secret.
I believed that 'He' simply loved me, like no one else did, I had a lover, that wanted me, gave me attention and stalked me, I would turn back looking for me, and miss him when he didn't turn up at some public fair or something...

Still no thoughts of sex, it remained a mystery as I thought that is the way how every one expressed their love for each other...every one who ever gave me attention since then made me feel do they 'want' me, it excited me while it scared me at the same time, and that was the craziest thing of all. I wasscared of what made me feel loved and 'happy', I couldn't understand that for the longest. Sex or even getting close to any one became more and more scarier, till I had stood behind those large walls of isolation and silence, a secret I knew no one would be able to understand. I had some rare diease I thought..

Only later I realised that what I thought as love and the worst thing happening to me. Still the hadrest thing for me was to get angry at my 'lovers'..For me it WAS love for yers.

Instead I got more and more angry at everyone else around, and they were finding more and more helpless in handling me. They pushed me away as I was become badly behaved, snappish and tantrumish, litlle control I had over anything I was doing, my reins were in someone else's hand.

Since then, I could no longer trust any one, especially the people who loved me, the more the loved the more I became suspicious of their intentions, so much so that they had to prove themselves to me, and soon I realised that they would get bored of me, just as my abuser did, when I refused to play along with his music...they all leave you sooner or later so why bother.



_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#154132 - 05/03/07 09:38 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
.



Edited by Robbie Brown (05/03/07 09:38 AM)
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#154133 - 05/03/07 09:38 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
"Rape is when a man has sex with a woman and she doesn't want it. It's a very bad crime." With a woman?, I thought. What about me? I already felt like I must be so bad and dirty, but now it was much worse.


In the 1970's Boston media, was fixated on rape. At least it seemed that way to one raped little boy. There was no discussion of boys being raped. Just women.

My horror was off the scale. Seeing how the public regarded and responded to rape of women...that bad men went to prison for a LONG time for it. Where did that leave ME.?? Other boys did this to me...older boys. Little wonder I felt like the a space alien abandoned my the mother ship!

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#154191 - 05/03/07 04:39 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. *DELETED* [Re: Still]
jacobtk Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 527
Post deleted by jacobtk

_________________________
Every day I die again, and again Iím reborn/Every day I have to find the courage/To walk out into the street/With arms out/Got a love you canít defeat/Neither down nor out/Thereís nothing you have that I need/I can breathe/Breathe now - U2

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#154193 - 05/03/07 05:19 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: jacobtk]
eyewisheyecared Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 22
WARNING*****VERY DETAILED****

I thought sex (even with women) was from behind...I was 5 years old when a a girl friend of mine wanted to show me what sex was. We took off our clothes and I told her to turn around (I was abused by my uncle and cousin earlier - both men). She went on to explain that it's not from behind, a woman lays in her back.

I didn't believe her and it wasn't until a couple of years later I was on the school bus and kids were talking about sex I told them, that that's not what sex is, you have to stick your d*ck into the butt. They laughed at me calling me gay. I didn't even get that there was a difference between having sex between a man and a woman and between a man and a man. (If that makes sense.)

Embarrassingly, my Dad had "the talk" with me when I was in the 9th grade...It was painful. "You may hear kids talk about the penis, they may use words like d*ck or c*ck, but you should call it a penis". Like I said...painful...

Later, he caught me masturbating and threatend to beat me if I ever did it again.



Edited by eyewisheyecared (05/03/07 05:26 PM)

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#154195 - 05/03/07 05:47 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: jacobtk]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: jacobtk
Gets worse when the perp is a woman. Then either no one thinks its wrong or they think you raped her.


Or they think you were so lucky. You were 12, 13, 14, 15, and you "got some" from an attractive adult woman. When a boy suffers that kind of abandonment it really drives me crazy. I'm so sorry this happened to you, Jacob.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154196 - 05/03/07 05:51 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eye,

You wonder if what you say makes sense. Yes, it does, every word makes sense. Remember you are talking about the perspective of a little kid. It wasn't your task or responsibility to know anything about sex.

I know how you felt where masturbation is concerned. When I was growing up there was still a stigma about it, even though, sure, all boys did it then - same as now. It was incredibly confusing to me, and mixed in with my anxieties about the abuse it just about drove me crazy. I had no idea how I should feel about my sexuality or even my body. I just wished I weren't a boy. I didn't wish to be a girl - I just wished I weren't a boy. Talk about messed up!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154210 - 05/03/07 08:10 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
comming from a family..who never touched...huged...and that sort of normal affection.....being early sexualized.....gave me such great feelings......i think thats why i see sex as love...and love as sex......prior and after the csa i was a cronic masterbater....and i had all of the shame and guilt to go with it....i use to think people in my grade at school could smell cum on me...all of the time as i did it so much......yet that was my only way to feel good........thats not meaning feeling good about myself....as a person...as i had no idea about that........i didnt even know i was a person....................steve


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#154236 - 05/03/07 09:05 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Steve,

Originally Posted By: sabata
yet that was my only way to feel good........thats not meaning feeling good about myself....as a person...as i had no idea about that........i didnt even know i was a person....................steve


It tears the heart right out of me to read this. I hope you understand now that you have every right in the world to be a whole, caring and loving person. That will be a great gift to share with Little Steve.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154259 - 05/04/07 12:24 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Originally Posted By: roadrunner

I just shuddered. I wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear forever. I had been giving bjs for years already and didn't even know the slang for it. And again, I could see that none of this was happening to other boys.

And they were saying "Ewwwww" about me.


Yep. Bastards... Not their fault, of course, but still.

Hits you like a sucker punch in the gut, doesn't it? When you're a child, it's bad enough that you're doing s-e-x stuff (which is supposed to be gross, so you already know you're "weird" because you're doing it anyway, whatever the circumstances); but then, in a couple of years, when sex mostly stops being automatically "gross", you can't breathe out and relax because it turns out that some of the things you did decidely remain in the "still gross" category, and it just catapults you into a whole new dimension of freakhood, like an anti-Nirvana of outcastedness. GREAT for the self-esteem.



Edited by melliferal (05/04/07 12:27 AM)
_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#154295 - 05/04/07 06:31 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: melliferal]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i had crazey ideas as a child....my lips seemed to me bigger than most peoples....i hated this...as...i thought people knew i was sucking dick....and it made my lips bigger....so i walked around with this advertizement on my face.....of what i had been doing.........big lips.................i attended a summer camp......had one of those skin tight bathing suits........well it would bunch up......between my legs.......between my little penis and my butt.....at swim class before we went the water we did ....excerises.......as i would spread my legs ....ect... i thpught people could look at me and see this bunched up materal....and see or think i had a vigina...........this bothered me greatly..........steve


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#154395 - 05/04/07 03:34 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Steve,

Originally Posted By: sabata
i attended a summer camp......had one of those skin tight bathing suits........well it would bunch up......between my legs.......between my little penis and my butt.....at swim class before we went the water we did ....excerises.......as i would spread my legs ....ect... i thpught people could look at me and see this bunched up materal....and see or think i had a vigina.


You know what? I think a boy in tight swimming trunks was just doomed. If anything showed your friends would say, Ha ha, <name> has a boner! And if nothing showed then they would say, Ha ha, he has a vagina. How did the stores sell any of those swimming trunks?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154426 - 05/04/07 05:57 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
what i cant figure out is....why my parents bought this kind of bathing attire.....i recall mom sayng once...tuck that thing between your legs...its discusting.......gee it was so small it wouldnt tuck between my legs....what am i to do?????????beter off without it.....steve


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#154454 - 05/04/07 10:15 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Steve,

I'm so sorry you got treated like that - it was just plain wrong. It's amazing to me how some adults totally forget how very sensitive and fragile they were when they themselves were young.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154468 - 05/04/07 11:04 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing....*triggers* [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
**Triggers possible**

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
You know what? I think a boy in tight swimming trunks was just doomed. If anything showed your friends would say, Ha ha, <name> has a boner! And if nothing showed then they would say, Ha ha, he has a vagina. How did the stores sell any of those swimming trunks?


Maybe the loss of my childhood wasn't as bad as I thought. LOL

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#154471 - 05/04/07 11:14 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing....*triggers* [Re: onlyakid]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
***Triggers possible***

Thinking about what is bothering me about this, I realize, I guess its more of a self doubt. The real thing isn't should I have known better, its more of a did I know better, did I know what was going on. I've always "thought" that my brother taught me about masterbation but I don't have any memory to back that up. Big problem is that, just because I don't remember doesn't mean its not true.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#154513 - 05/05/07 08:09 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing....*triggers* [Re: onlyakid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

That's a tough situation to be in. On the one hand, you lack clear memories to tell you exactly what happened. On the other, there's the question of where boyish experimentation stops and abuse begins.

Have you discussed this with your T? There might be procedures he can use to help you regain memories, and once you have more information to work with there's the big question of how you feel about it and what you need now, as an adult.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154575 - 05/05/07 02:43 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing....*triggers* [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I've been thinking about this more, and I realized, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Why? Even if he didn't teach me to masterbate there are 2 things that make it abuse in my mind.

1. Even if I knew how to masterbate, I probably still had alot I didn't know about sex. For instance maybe friends and brothers do this, maybe this is what happens when you don't have a girlfriend (that is a possible thing I could have thought).

2. I was going into 7th grade (I was left back, thats why I was 13), he was going into his Junior year in highschool. I don't know about you but that doesn't sound write to me.

I will talk to my T about this but I don't want to do anything to recover my memories. Memory recovery is so contraversial, I would still doubt it. I always remembered the snippets of what I do remember, so I feel confident with them.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#154589 - 05/05/07 04:23 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing....*triggers* [Re: onlyakid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

I think what would make it abuse would be two considerations. First, was there a big difference in age? As you were 13 and he was what?, 17, that's a big gap in both age and maturity. He was old enough to know this was wrong and that he was taking advantage of you and using you. The possibility of innocent experimentation isn't on the table for discussion here.

Second, did you have a real option of saying "No"? That doesn't mean just the ability to utter the word. The question is one of whether you could have said no without suffering consequences that would have been unbearable to you as a boy: rejection by a cool older sibling, withdrawal of opportunities to play together or be included in activities, denial of love and affection, threat of violence, shaming or exposure, and so on.

This second area is one that a lot of survivors don't appreciate. They look back and think, "I did what he wanted", without thinking also of what would have happened if they had refused. They don't take into account how easy it is for an older boy to manipulate the younger one. They don't remember the possibility of getting beat up, how it felt to get told "Oh okay, I thought we were cool/friends/brothers", and how shattering the fear of exposure could be. In so many ways a boy doesn't have the choice of saying no, and that is what makes it abuse.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#154744 - 05/06/07 02:05 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing....*triggers* [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
I think what would make it abuse would be two considerations. First, was there a big difference in age? As you were 13 and he was what?, 17, that's a big gap in both age and maturity. He was old enough to know this was wrong and that he was taking advantage of you and using you. The possibility of innocent experimentation isn't on the table for discussion here.


Yeah, thats what I was thinking. He was approximate 4 months shy of 17 when it started, when it ended he was about 3 weeks shy of being 18.

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
Second, did you have a real option of saying "No"? That doesn't mean just the ability to utter the word. The question is one of whether you could have said no without suffering consequences that would have been unbearable to you as a boy: rejection by a cool older sibling, withdrawal of opportunities to play together or be included in activities, denial of love and affection, threat of violence, shaming or exposure, and so on.


I don't know exactly what the "consequences" of saying no would have been but I do know that I most certainly looked up to him, I know that my parents had recently (within the last year probably) gotten divorced and my father had gotten sick. 2 of my granparents had died and my mother was going to graduate school to get her masters degree, so there definately was an emotional void there. Also I remember when I was thinking about disclosing to my mother, I had this thought of "If I tell he's going to kill me". So there had to be something going on.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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