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#154117 - 05/03/07 08:13 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: melliferal]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Melliferal,

Originally Posted By: melliferal
Then I would come to my senses and realize that I was feeling...proud? And then I'd start to hate myself.


Oh man, can I ever relate to that one! My friends and I were sitting around once and the term "BJ" came up. Most of us didn't know what that referred to, but one boy did - heard about it from his older brother of course. He told us, and all the other boys were disgusted and saying, "Ewwwwwwww", things like that.

I just shuddered. I wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear forever. I had been giving bjs for years already and didn't even know the slang for it. And again, I could see that none of this was happening to other boys.

And they were saying "Ewwwww" about me.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#154128 - 05/03/07 08:44 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: onlyakid]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I can so understand this one....as years into my abuse, I never realised that what I was doing was sex, let alone abuse. Though I gradually realised I had to hide it, keep it a secret.
I believed that 'He' simply loved me, like no one else did, I had a lover, that wanted me, gave me attention and stalked me, I would turn back looking for me, and miss him when he didn't turn up at some public fair or something...

Still no thoughts of sex, it remained a mystery as I thought that is the way how every one expressed their love for each other...every one who ever gave me attention since then made me feel do they 'want' me, it excited me while it scared me at the same time, and that was the craziest thing of all. I wasscared of what made me feel loved and 'happy', I couldn't understand that for the longest. Sex or even getting close to any one became more and more scarier, till I had stood behind those large walls of isolation and silence, a secret I knew no one would be able to understand. I had some rare diease I thought..

Only later I realised that what I thought as love and the worst thing happening to me. Still the hadrest thing for me was to get angry at my 'lovers'..For me it WAS love for yers.

Instead I got more and more angry at everyone else around, and they were finding more and more helpless in handling me. They pushed me away as I was become badly behaved, snappish and tantrumish, litlle control I had over anything I was doing, my reins were in someone else's hand.

Since then, I could no longer trust any one, especially the people who loved me, the more the loved the more I became suspicious of their intentions, so much so that they had to prove themselves to me, and soon I realised that they would get bored of me, just as my abuser did, when I refused to play along with his music...they all leave you sooner or later so why bother.



_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#154132 - 05/03/07 09:38 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6373
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
.



Edited by Robbie Brown (05/03/07 09:38 AM)
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#154133 - 05/03/07 09:38 AM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6373
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
"Rape is when a man has sex with a woman and she doesn't want it. It's a very bad crime." With a woman?, I thought. What about me? I already felt like I must be so bad and dirty, but now it was much worse.


In the 1970's Boston media, was fixated on rape. At least it seemed that way to one raped little boy. There was no discussion of boys being raped. Just women.

My horror was off the scale. Seeing how the public regarded and responded to rape of women...that bad men went to prison for a LONG time for it. Where did that leave ME.?? Other boys did this to me...older boys. Little wonder I felt like the a space alien abandoned my the mother ship!

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#154191 - 05/03/07 04:39 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. *DELETED* [Re: Still]
jacobtk Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 527
Post deleted by jacobtk

_________________________
Every day I die again, and again Iím reborn/Every day I have to find the courage/To walk out into the street/With arms out/Got a love you canít defeat/Neither down nor out/Thereís nothing you have that I need/I can breathe/Breathe now - U2

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#154193 - 05/03/07 05:19 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: jacobtk]
eyewisheyecared Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 22
WARNING*****VERY DETAILED****

I thought sex (even with women) was from behind...I was 5 years old when a a girl friend of mine wanted to show me what sex was. We took off our clothes and I told her to turn around (I was abused by my uncle and cousin earlier - both men). She went on to explain that it's not from behind, a woman lays in her back.

I didn't believe her and it wasn't until a couple of years later I was on the school bus and kids were talking about sex I told them, that that's not what sex is, you have to stick your d*ck into the butt. They laughed at me calling me gay. I didn't even get that there was a difference between having sex between a man and a woman and between a man and a man. (If that makes sense.)

Embarrassingly, my Dad had "the talk" with me when I was in the 9th grade...It was painful. "You may hear kids talk about the penis, they may use words like d*ck or c*ck, but you should call it a penis". Like I said...painful...

Later, he caught me masturbating and threatend to beat me if I ever did it again.



Edited by eyewisheyecared (05/03/07 05:26 PM)

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#154195 - 05/03/07 05:47 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: jacobtk]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: jacobtk
Gets worse when the perp is a woman. Then either no one thinks its wrong or they think you raped her.


Or they think you were so lucky. You were 12, 13, 14, 15, and you "got some" from an attractive adult woman. When a boy suffers that kind of abandonment it really drives me crazy. I'm so sorry this happened to you, Jacob.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#154196 - 05/03/07 05:51 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eye,

You wonder if what you say makes sense. Yes, it does, every word makes sense. Remember you are talking about the perspective of a little kid. It wasn't your task or responsibility to know anything about sex.

I know how you felt where masturbation is concerned. When I was growing up there was still a stigma about it, even though, sure, all boys did it then - same as now. It was incredibly confusing to me, and mixed in with my anxieties about the abuse it just about drove me crazy. I had no idea how I should feel about my sexuality or even my body. I just wished I weren't a boy. I didn't wish to be a girl - I just wished I weren't a boy. Talk about messed up!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#154210 - 05/03/07 08:10 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: roadrunner]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
comming from a family..who never touched...huged...and that sort of normal affection.....being early sexualized.....gave me such great feelings......i think thats why i see sex as love...and love as sex......prior and after the csa i was a cronic masterbater....and i had all of the shame and guilt to go with it....i use to think people in my grade at school could smell cum on me...all of the time as i did it so much......yet that was my only way to feel good........thats not meaning feeling good about myself....as a person...as i had no idea about that........i didnt even know i was a person....................steve


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#154236 - 05/03/07 09:05 PM Re: Knew about girls, Knew nothing about sex. [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Steve,

Originally Posted By: sabata
yet that was my only way to feel good........thats not meaning feeling good about myself....as a person...as i had no idea about that........i didnt even know i was a person....................steve


It tears the heart right out of me to read this. I hope you understand now that you have every right in the world to be a whole, caring and loving person. That will be a great gift to share with Little Steve.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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