This is the text of an email I sent to the guys in a small discussion group I am honored to be a member of. At first I wasn't going to send it, then I decided why not?
I'd like now to share it with you too. It was my last big crash, or at least the last one to date lol. It did me a lot of good and allowed me to see I had the right to a whole mountain of human foibles and failings. After this memorable day I really soared! It was a kind of release for me, in a way I think I still don't understand very clearly.
Well anyway, fasten your seatbelts and enjoy!
I've had it. I am up to my eyes in recovering and coping and doing the right thing, and empowering myself and communicating with my inner child and yada yada yada. Fuck that. At least for a day. On top of all that, the latest is that I am totally fed up with dealing with this asthma crap. My doctor, who has already put me off work for the semester, has told me to back off almost everything I normally do, including my activity on the MS site, and including things like researching books and articles. I feel like a lost soul.
I hereby declare that Saturday the 4rd of November 2006 is Fuck Recovery Day, in Didcot at least. Saturday morning I'm going to sleep in and feel sorry for myself. I'm going to look at pics of me at the age of 10, wallow in the past and ask for at least an hour how anybody can get off by demanding blow jobs from a crying child who thinks if he refuses the abuser will run over his dog. Oh yeah, I'm also going to demand answers for the "why me" questions, and when I don't get answers I like I'm going to get really freaking mad and hit something. The garden shed has been on my hit list for years anyway. I'm thinking of going after it with a pipe wrench.
I'm going to wear my most comfortable and raggedy blue jeans, topped with the Mr Natural Tshirt I got in San Francisco in 1969, and I'm not going to shave or put on shoes the whole day. I'm going to fart wherever and whenever I want and scratch my balls all day long.
The whole day I'm going to eat as unhealthy as I can, and for dinner I'm making fiery hot fajitas to be washed down with the shittiest and coldest white wine I can find.
During the day I'm not going to do ONE useful thing - not one! I'm going to watch Judge Judy, I'm going to practice a screaming solo for slide guitar for "We will rock you" at high volume, and I'm going to watch as much CSI as I can.
In between I'm going to take Bruno to the common without his leash and let him run wherever he wants. Maybe he will catch and eat that cat he's had his eye on. I'm not going to clean up his dog shit either.
Sunday I will be back to normal, but I am soooo looking forward to Saturday. In fact, I already feel better.
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)