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#148446 - 04/02/07 08:50 PM Thoughts on Forgiveness *Triggers
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I apologize for this disjointed poem. It came immediately after a very disturbing and unexpected flashback. Ordinarily I wouldn't leave it, but it does show what a flashback can suddenly do to you. I'm better now, but it will take a few days to work through the flashback. When I read it, it amazes me. The flashback that caused all of this was about something done by a three year old little boy. Bobby

There is no place to talk about the awful things
No place to talk about the things you hate yourself for most
No place to say those things out loud, then say
"Oh, please forgive me!"
To the world
Then fall down
Weeping and forgiven
There are no hands large enough to hold you
No body strong enough to squeeze you tight enough to keep the anguish away
No eyes looking down with enough compassion to pull you through
That's when you need the pain
That's when you need the shooting pain that hurts enough to make you forget
That burns through you like lightning
Cuts you up like hot lasers
So you can't quite put the thoughts together
Can't quite see the awful things you need forgiveness for
"Forgive me, please, for what I've done."
And it doesn't matter that they did it to you,
That they forced you
That they made you do those things
You did them
My god, you did them
You did those awful things
"God, forgive me!"
You scream and scream and scream
And no one hears
No one comes to pull your charred limbs apart
To see who you were
Or that a part of you is still pristine
Protected from the fire
Your flesh still pure and supple there
Like a child's
A part of you still pure
Funny, don't you think?
A part of you escaped
A tiny little part of you escaped the awful holocaust of male violence and hate

Oh, little boy
Oh, little boy who wanted only love
How changed you were
How confused
Now needing all those things they did to you
Now wanting things you never should have even known existed
Equating them with love
How odd your world
How filled with dirty things
Intended to be chaste and wonderful by God
Betrayed by those who should have loved you
Your world turned upside down
Your thoughts of love forever scarred

And now you ask forgivness
From a world that should be begging you to give it one more chance?
To see it as the place it should have been

Oh, my child
The things you thought were real
The things you thought were true
And through it all
Through all you did
Through all they made you do
Your innocence
Your beautiful and shining innocence
For there could be no evil in you
No understanding of the things you did
Only that you loved and needed love in return
And knew no other love than this

But now you know
Like Adam, you now know the shame
Goddamn the apple!
Fuck the snake!
The awful snake
The man
The evil that was let inside to find you

And now a new memory
Sent to remind you that there will always be one more
One more revelation
One more shock
When you thought there could be no more
One more thing for which to seek forgiveness

How does one cure the injured child?
Ho does one teach the three year old that what he wants is not the thing he really needs

And how does one close off again a child's once-hidden memories
For there's an old man here who simply cannot bear to see them



Edited by Bobby (04/02/07 11:07 PM)
_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#148508 - 04/03/07 05:55 AM Re: Thoughts on Forgiveness *Triggers [Re: Bobby]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bobby,

Originally Posted By: Bobby
How does one cure the injured child?
How does one teach the three year old that what he wants is not the thing he really needs?


I'm not sure Bobby. But gather up the injured child, hold him close, and tell him that nothing could have been his fault. It can never be the child's fault.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#148548 - 04/03/07 09:23 AM Re: Thoughts on Forgiveness *Triggers [Re: Bobby]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Bobby.

I dont have words. So many things struck home.

Originally Posted By: Bobby
And it doesn't matter that they did it to you,
That they forced you
That they made you do those things
You did them
My god, you did them
You did those awful things
"God, forgive me!"
You scream and scream and scream
And no one hears


We hear you and we believe you. You echo in our own memories.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#148769 - 04/04/07 08:40 AM Re: Thoughts on Forgiveness *Triggers [Re: pietie]
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
As I frequently do, I can only mutely agree with the Larry's eloquence. You are such a dear, Bobby.
Please remember always that here you and Little Bobby will always find unconditional love and support.
((((((((((((Bobby/Little Bobby))))))))))))
---
Much love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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