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#148111 - 04/01/07 03:56 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: Dewey2k]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
maybe lables are for cans...............but that doesnt help me understand......my own sexual things............steve


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#148146 - 04/01/07 11:57 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: sabata]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Steve,

I forgot to put the smiley up after that statement. I added it just now. I didn't mean to be flip. Sorry about that.

When we try to label ourselves (or others for that matter), it puts us in a box with preconceived notions that may or may not fit us. I am primarily attracted to men, yet I find some women physically very attractive. So what am I? Gay? Bi?

I just am. *shrug* If something works for me, then it works.

I use the label gay because it is convenient and fits my attractions for the most part. The stereotypes certainly don't fit me: you wouldn't be able to tell I am gay just by talking to me or looking at me.

I don't worry about the label because no one label can fully describe all that I am.

If you're attracted to youthful looking transgendered, but aren't really attracted to men or women, then you are you: you just are.

As far as arrested emotional development, I think all survivors have this to a greater or lesser extent. I know I do. We're learning all of the stuff that should have developed naturally as we grew up through childhood and our teen years. It's no comfort, I know, but there it is.

If I missed the point, please tell me.



Edited by Dewey2k (04/01/07 11:58 AM)

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#148213 - 04/01/07 05:56 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: Dewey2k]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
thanks foe the clarifaction...............dewey..........i understand about lables.........yet due to my attractions.........is probley one of the reasons i isolate myself....yet as you say when one looks at me they dont see this......but i feel they do.....for some reason....maybe i am still full of shame....waking around with my head down....hoping no one sees me.........steve


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#148224 - 04/01/07 07:02 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: sabata]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Steve,

Shame is pervasive, as you know, and it can infect every facet of our lives.

There are two truisms I've found over the years:
  • Most people won't go out of their way find out these things without an invitation or a reason. They are just not that interested.
  • We think people are always watching us, but in truth, again, they just aren't that interested unless they've been given an invite or a reason.


People are all caught up in their own business, and don't have time to put us under a microscope. A lot of them are probably feeling a lot of the same things, in my experience.

You aren't alone, Steve


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#148230 - 04/01/07 07:44 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: Dewey2k]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
So true............Dewey.........i Allways have to keep my guard up.....i dont invite ayone or give anyone reaons.......keeping the mask on......Steve


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#148289 - 04/02/07 12:17 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Steve,

Originally Posted By: sabata
i understand about lables.........yet due to my attractions.........is probley one of the reasons i isolate myself....yet as you say when one looks at me they dont see this......but i feel they do.....for some reason....maybe i am still full of shame....waking around with my head down....hoping no one sees me.


That feeling that everyone somehow "knows" is a dread we carry along with us from when we were abused as boys. Can you remember how that felt? I recall going to school and feeling like I had an "abuse announcement" written on me with Christmas lights. But as Dwayne says, it just isn't so. Most people are into their own lives and just don't see a thing, and even if they did, they would have no way of interpreting what they saw.

On labels, I think it's worth bearing in mind that gay and straight aren't simple opposites; there are so many shades of sexuality, if you like, and I bet very few people are absolutely gay or absolutely straight. It seems to me that instead of worrying about conforming to the expectations of others we would be better off thinking of these three questions:

1. Am I being totally honest with myself about who I am and what I want sexually?
2. Am I being responsible with my sexual partner(s)?
3. Do I feel fulfilled sexually?

Our aim should be to get to a point where we can answer yes to all three questions. Once we can do that, who cares what others know or think?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#148439 - 04/02/07 08:23 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: roadrunner]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
being honest..good question...........responsable with partners..........no problem there.....no partners...........furfulled sexually????????????i get rid of the urge by myself.....then get on with things............steve


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#165168 - 07/06/07 08:20 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: Dewey2k]
Buernt Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 5
Ken,

One night at a slumber party with a friend of mine, the subject of the morality of homosexuality came up. None of the people there knew I was abused when I was four until I was seven or that I was fighting a homosexual identity. Three of the guys there identified themselves as gay. One of them, my friend, would later identify himself as gay also. I told them I felt that homosexuality was wrong and that is was probably the result of spiritual, mental, and/or sexual abuse for a lot of people. At the time, the only gay people I knew was the one who abused me, who was not openly gay, and my uncle who was sexually abused by two of his brothers. The three openly gay people volunteered that none of them had ever been abused. My friend, who later decided he was gay, told me the next day that one of them was molested by his uncles, one by a family friend, and the other one's dad was in jail for molesting him. My friend was beaten by his mom and raped by a family friend. It is kinda funny how all of us screwed up kids ended up at a slumber party together. My friend even knowing my background tried to get me to engage in a relationship with him. It made me sad to my core. The fact is I think they lied about what happened to them in order to make their decision to be homosexual their own choice rather than something someone chose for them.


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#165306 - 07/07/07 11:18 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: Buernt]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
I'm sorry to disagree, but being gay or straight is not something that someone else chooses or forces on you.

Even though I was abused by four different men, that is not what makes me gay. If anything, you'd think that would have made me anything BUT gay. The fact that I am gay now had nothing to do with the sex of my abusers; that's just the way I am.

Of this I am convinced...

If a gay boy were to be abused by a female, would that make him straight? If so, there'd be a whole new tend in treatments for homosexuality...

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#165327 - 07/08/07 02:33 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: Lazarus]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
If I may be so bold as to state an opinion here.

I agree with the statements that being sexually abused by a male does not make one gay.

The statement has also been made that same sex attraction is something you're born with. I can agree with that as well to a point. The problem I have with all this "what makes me whatever label you want to give my sexual tendencies" question is that I get tired of folks telling me that it has to be a certain way.

The right wing Moral Majority types seem to believe that the only cause can be my personal choice. They say that because to admit otherwise will bring their whole religious and political house of cards tumbling down.

The militant homosexual crowd seem to insist that I believe it is something I'm born with. To admit otherwise will bring their whole political house of cards tumbling down.

I believe there are perhaps many reasons for being attracted to the same or opposite sex including genetics AND/OR choice, not to mention the spectrum of reasons that may lie in between the two extremes.

So, now that I've said my piece just shoot me! Damn I've been wanting to say that for a long time. If I hijacked the thread just get a rope!

John



Edited by walkingsouth (07/08/07 10:15 AM)
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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