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#147743 - 03/30/07 02:13 AM gay abuser
hayden Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/27/07
Posts: 7
For the past 25 years I have had major sexual idetity issues. Over the past months, as I linked my problems to my abuse, I have been reading everything I can find about abuse. At the time of my abuse I knew that my abuser was gay. I spent all those years thinking that I was gay as a result of my experience with my gay abuser. Most of the stuff in the books says that same-sex abusers are not homosexual, but I knew that mine was. Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts on this? As I saw my abuser over the years as an 'out and proud' homosexual, it only reinforced thinking that I must be gay. And I learned several years (probably 5 years - when I was 12) after my abuse that my abuser was also abused my a man when he was younger. Not hard to make the connection that he had something happen and now is gay, therefore, I must be the same.
I'm wondering about about how knowing that your abuser is gay effects sexual identity issues. Or anyone who has any thoughts or ideas on this issue.


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#147770 - 03/30/07 08:38 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: hayden]
Ken Singer, LCSW Online   content
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5776
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Being abused by a male does not make one gay. 10% of the population is gay and most victims of sexual abuse probably don't
have a sense of their sexual identity when they are abused.

So, some boys who (for whatever reason) are destined to be gay, also get abused. Basically, what I'm saying is that it is not a cause and effect situation. Your abuser might have been destined to be gay and might have been abused but his abuse didn't cause him to be gay. Same for you.

Ken


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#147771 - 03/30/07 08:39 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: hayden]
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
I was abused by a gay man when I was around 20. I guess it was abuse. I wasn't asked, I was coerced. I was used. I was an adult and I just let him do what he wanted without fighting back, just as I had done as a child. But I do think it was abuse and yes I battled for years about whether I too was gay because of the experiance. I still wonder from time to time but really don't believe that I am. Don't know if this helps any but this is my experiance.

Dale


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#147801 - 03/30/07 11:34 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: Elad 12]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hayden,

I think it would be most helpful for you to look at your feelings about your sexuality as one effect the abuse has had on you. It would be so normal for an abused boy to ponder the sexual acts forced upon him, observe that gay men do those same acts, and therefore wonder if now he's gay. It's all very confusing anyway, and a kid living in silence, fear and shame isn't exactly in a good position to get it all sorted out. So this becomes an issue he carries into adulthood.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#147810 - 03/30/07 12:17 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: Elad 12]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dale,

Originally Posted By: Elad 12
I wasn't asked, I was coerced. I was used.


Originally Posted By: Elad 12
I was an adult and I just let him do what he wanted without fighting back, just as I had done as a child.


I was struck by how you make the first comment, which (rightly) asserts how abusive the situation was, but then shift to the second comment, which somehow accepts blame for what happened.

There are so many of us who can look back and see, after the abuse ended, times where further sexual incidents occurred. We therefore conclude that while we may have been innocent kids during the abuse, we stand absolutely responsible for whatever happened to us as older teens or adults. Why? Because we were older. We knew we had choices. We could have protected ourselves or said no. We could have stopped it. And so on. We then take the further step of concluding that "responsible" means we are to blame for those incidents".

I think we should reject that argument, and indeed, all that way of thinking. We can all remember how abuse tears up a boy emotionally. That damage continues into adulthood unless he gets the help he needs, and until very recently how would a boy get such help? So it just continues on into adulthood and affects the man that the boy has become.

I remember you talking about that incident when you were 20, and man, I can just imagine how it played out. You were taken by surprise: you were stunned, and suddenly you discovered, "Here I am again". Dale, you didn't "let him do what he wanted without fighting back", you just collapsed, just as so many other young guys in that situation have also done. Little Dale's feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness just flooded over you, and frankly, I'm just not sure what you could have done to protect yourself.

So I hope you won't accept blame for this incident. Accepting responsibility is something else. Yes, we are all adults and must accept responsibility for what we do, but in this case accepting responsibility would mean seeking help and trying to work through your issues, which is exactly what you are doing.

Accepting blame implies that you could have or should have seen this coming, or that you could have or should done something to prevent it or stop it. I really don't think any of that is true.

Looking back at it honestly, do you?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#147859 - 03/30/07 07:25 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: roadrunner]
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Larry,

You are right. Thanks for pointing that out. When you said "collapsed" I think that was the perfect word to describe what happened.

Dale


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#147952 - 03/31/07 09:52 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: Elad 12]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
in my personal homo opinion, i think you are you born one way and you stay that way. i dont think abuse can "turn you gay." there is absolutely nothing that would turn me straight. its just not who i am. i think tho that things get confusing because "gay" sex opens up another set of emotions and feelings. physcially your body gets turned on which might make you say "oh my god i got turned on so i must be gay." but thats not the case. your body just reacts as a body should. it doesnt know which gender person is touching you.


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#148047 - 03/31/07 06:54 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: Jarrad]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: Jarrad
physcially your body gets turned on which might make you say "oh my god i got turned on so i must be gay." but thats not the case. your body just reacts as a body should. it doesnt know which gender person is touching you.


This reminds me of the huge problem some survivors have with guilt: they think the abuse was their fault because they got an erection, achieved an orgasm or ejaculated. They're missing the fact that we are sexual beings and will respond to stimulation, even if the abuser's advances are not wanted and even feared. The sexual response just means our "plumbing" is in order.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#148050 - 03/31/07 07:07 PM Re: gay abuser [Re: roadrunner]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
so..........i have yet figured this sex thing out........i am not attracted to men.....or women..........now a transgendered asian...with youghfull looks...does something......so what does that make me....gsy??????????straight?????????inbetween???????????Sutck>>>>>>>>>>>arristed development??????????????????


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#148103 - 04/01/07 01:45 AM Re: gay abuser [Re: sabata]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Labels are for cans. ;\)



Edited by Dewey2k (04/01/07 11:34 AM)

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