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#147965 - 03/31/07 10:45 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: roadrunner]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Chris,

I know the past few days haven't been easy for you, and just for the record, you weren't up on a soapbox. You were calling out for help and expressing deep feelings. All that HAS to come out. If we cannot learn to be honest about our feelings we will never be able to work on them and heal. You have done the right thing.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#147966 - 03/31/07 10:49 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: roadrunner]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Hi everyone,

So I woke up this morning suffused with chagrin. I know that I have lashed out in anger and lonliness. And I apologise to everyone here for my harsh tones and speaking out of my pain in accusation of those who are truly innocent.

I can't fully explain what is goig on inside of me. I have been torn to shreds by anger and lonliness this week. And it's so often hard for me to see through it all. It's as though I got some of Dr. JEckyll's formula into me or something. This Hyde monster rage took over and I couldn't see anything clearly.

Many of my brothers have come to my aid. And I'm certain many more have felt moved in sympathy or recognition. And I'm sure some have responded in frustration and seem the contradictions in some of my words. I cannot accuse others of being silent whn I myself cannot respond to every post here.

I'm humbly sorry to everyone for whatever discomfort and sadness my anger might have provoked. Though I do not in any way repeal any of what I said over the past few days. I feel the heart of my message -- that I am in pain and need help, and that we are all encouraged and stengthened by the process of helping one another -- is a valid one. And I hope that you can all hear my heart beating through the tears and cranky cries.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#147976 - 03/31/07 11:23 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11028
Loc: Denver, CO
Chris,

"I feel the heart of my message -...- is a valid one."

I do too. I never got the feeling that anyone was invalidating that. And if anyone was, they would be no better than the people out there who don't understand and throw out some slap-in-the-face phrase like "just get over it." I'd say the gist of the more recent additions to the thread were to offer reassurance that you are not deserted. \:\)

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#147977 - 03/31/07 11:23 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Chris,

Originally Posted By: tartugas
And I hope that you can all hear my heart beating through the tears and cranky cries.


What a great way to put it. The answer is yes, my friend; we have all been there, remember. I have the feeling this experience has been very important for you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#147995 - 03/31/07 12:39 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Originally Posted By: tartugas
I apologise to everyone here for my harsh tones and speaking out of my pain in accusation


No need to apologise my friend. We all need to get it out. You are among friends here and we share and understand your pain and frustration.

But remember: we will also share in your victories and joy - that will become ours as well.

Stay close.

And taking the leap now. My name is Tjaart (pronounced Chart).

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#148018 - 03/31/07 02:43 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: pietie]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
No apologies necessary. God knows I've done much much worse. Not here at least not yet:)

When your this hurt it is so hard to see anything else. Remember what FT said: "that you are not deserted."

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#148021 - 03/31/07 02:58 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Chris, stop tearing yourself up.
I am not the greatest of posters lately because my mind just freezes up thinking how to respond.

I try and respond when someone is in trouble and hurting, but the amount of posts I lose track of is amazing.
Anger is the most potent weapon we can use, whether on ourselves or others, and we need to be aware of it constantly.

I wish I/we could give further help, but alas we cannot outside of this place,

ste


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#148056 - 03/31/07 07:24 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: reality2k4]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
sorry i didnt reply to your post.........chris.........yet the last 2 weeks i was isolating myself deepley.....and was having problems with people.life..ect.....i do hope things are better for you now.................Steve


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#148088 - 03/31/07 11:33 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: roadrunner]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
I completely over looked this earlier. Yes, it is a huge step and I appreciate you seeing that. I sometimes like that no one knows me, but that is further isolating.

Brent

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#148457 - 04/02/07 09:24 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Chris,

I'm gonna write down thoughts as I encounter them here because this is a long thread and by the time I get to the bottom I will have forgotten what I wanted to say up above. lol

Quote:
I'm scared to open myself up that much to the pain. I'm scared to be that vulnerable. I'm scared to go back in time, drop all the defenses that have gotten me this far and, in a kind of way start from scratch all over again.

Yeah, There is a tendency when we begin this journey to go to one extreme or the other. So often we pull all the stops in an effort to "get it over with", and end up overwhelming our capacity to process. This usually results in giving up and quitting or getting us into a "stuck" mode where we make absolutely no progress. The other thing we do is to look at the work we can see needs to be done and the pain it will bring and simply throw up our hands and don't do anything.

Either approach ends up being rather non productive in the end leaving us afraid to move forward. It takes a real dedication to the process to make it through those times and learn how much work you can do how quickly.

Quote:
I have to be careful, because thinking about them is beginning to make my blood boil. I live in New York Fucking CIty, you'd think it would be realtively easy to find a group here


Remember at Four Springs when they devided us up into small groups? What they were doing in effect is group therapy with two therapists acting as facilitators. What I'm saying here is that perhaps you are looking for is a group therapy session each week. I'd ask your T and if he/she cannot fill that need then ask for recommendations. I was involved with group therapy for some time and have not regrets. Yes, it was spendy, but well worth it in the end. The good thing about it is there is a professional facilitator there to keep things on track and focused just as we had at Four Springs.

Quote:
Does everyone actually hate the turtle and are you all too scred to be honest with me?


Not at all, Chris. Perhaps so self involved at the moment we can't see another's pain? Part of the drawback of being a survivor is looking inward to the exclusion of all else at times.

Quote:
I have been torn to shreds by anger and lonliness this week. And it's so often hard for me to see through it all.


I've been there. Not so long ago either. Was so messed up I got myself involved with a thread here that was not a good one at all. Really messed up, actually, but I couldn't see through that because of the place I was in. One of my brothers here eventually set me right, but I sure wish he'd done it sooner.

And like the other guys, Chris, no apology needed, but if you feel the need to do so, then yes, apology gladly accepted.

You've done something very important here. Well, actually several things. I think what you experienced here went way deeper than just a tantrum about feeling invalidated. I may be wrong, but I think this frustration and venting had a lot more to do with what's been pent up inside for many many years. The anger, loneliness, fear, terror, and frustration Little Chris felt for all those years was pouring out of you begging for help. Pleading to be heard because he wasn't heard before. He cried out in his own way all that time, but it was not a way anyone recognized as a cry for help.

You've cried out for help, Bro. We've heard you, offered our advise, support, thoughts. I'd also like to offer you my tears. I cried when I read through this thread. Cried for you, for Little Chris, cried for all my brothers here who've suffered in silence for so long. Thank-you for having the courage to say what was on your mind.

Lots of love

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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