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#147857 - 03/30/07 07:02 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: Muldoon]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
bump.

i will not let this topic go away. go back and read through what i've said. i refuse to believe that so many of my brothers would simply not say anything to me.

7 seven ogf my brohter s have stepped up and answered my plea... seven.

seven out of 3,000. of whom hundreds are current active members?

where are you?

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#147858 - 03/30/07 07:05 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Tartugas,

All I can do is refer you to the Nouwen book that I recommended. He describes the exact symptoms that you have described and he also describes what you must do...beyond that I can say that I'm rooting for you, dude.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#147861 - 03/30/07 07:49 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Originally Posted By: tartugas
In short, I took my own advice and allowed my own feelings the validity they deserved.


Chris,

I went back and read your original post, and this line struck me upon the second reading. I wonder if you can fully fathom how significant that is what you wrote. That is, I think, a major issue for so many abuse survivors (myself included). So many of us feel like our feelings don't matter, which is, of course, a direct result of the abuse which was pounding us over the head with that message. The fact that you can get beyond that is not insignificant.

** APPLAUSE FOR CHRIS ** \:\)

_________________________
Eddie

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#147867 - 03/30/07 09:24 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Okay turtle man,

You want acknowledgement, you want encouragement and you want help? Let me tell you something, I am right where you are right now. I've spent 22 years of my life living a lie. Wearing a mask so no could see how I'm rotting from the inside out. My own wife cringes in fear because she said and did somethings that triggered me. She said that during an arguement I kept looking at knives on the counter then at her. I didn't see her I saw my abuser's cock. I felt his iron hand forcing me down.

Goddamnit, I need help too. I don't know what to say. I feel so ill-equiped to help anyone because I cannot help myself. Listen close; I LOVE YOU. Yep, i do love you. I want to help you and I can definately hear you. You are justified in your anger. You have that right and so do I. I don't know why men get the shit end of the deal when it comes to getting CSA help. I think that the help you want I don't have the ability to provide. It PAINS me to know that you think ONLY 7 have responded. Instead of it is so great that 7 of my brothers are hearing me.

Maybe I am way off base, but hardly anyone listens to me. I feel good that one listens. RR discounts advice I give so do I say screw you all? NO. Everyone here is my brother based on this one shitty, filthy commonality that brought us hear. Do you or I need to hear from all 3,000? I feel so sick at the moment for what has been done to us and I'm bleeding inside just like you. I don't fully understand. I'm just sorry. I'm just wishing that I knew how to help. I just wish you could see that you are not alone. I wish you knew how much I am like you. Goddamnit I'm frustrated and angry and IT'S FUCKING NUTS.

I'm sorry. I gotta grab a smoke. by-the-way, I work monday-friday and a whole lot of saturdays. I can't sit here responding to threads all day though I wish I could. Sometimes I need to.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#147876 - 03/30/07 09:39 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10951
Loc: Denver, CO
Chris,

Of course, you already know I PMd you today. But to accent what lostandfound said, if I hear from seven of the people on this site, I feel like I have hit the jackpot! Seven people who gave a flip about average me - that would be wonderful to me! Now, you have more than seven, but there's other factors to keep in mind why you haven't heard from more which really would only take up space on this thread. But if seven people responded to me, that communicates to me that I mattered enough to them to be worth a few measly words and a few measly minutes of their time. I have a background where I was taught by family and society that I was worth zip - zero - zilch. I have PMs saved from people from two years ago because their words to me were a cool sip of water in an arrid, cruel world. They are gold to me. I no longer hear from some of them, yet their words are saved until whenever.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#147889 - 03/30/07 10:50 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: FormerTexan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Chris,

Just a word of advice from someone who has posted a few times: Please don't fall into the trap of equating the number of replies you get to a thread with the value of that thread or the interest of the rest of the group in what you are saying.

Many times a guy will like what he reads but feel unable to come up with a reply, or he may consider that he has nothing to add, or he may feel uncomfortable about posting for this or that reason. None of that has anything to do with his interest in or support for the guy who started the thread.

So many times there's just no rhyme or reason to why one thread flourishes and another flops. There have been times when I made some innane and pretty useless comment, as a joke, and it just caught fire and rumbled along for 50-80 posts. Just people fooling around - nothing substantial. And on other occasions I have started a thread I thought was important, only to have it crash and burn - no replies at all!

Please don't take this kind of thing personally. Sometimes the DB seems to have a life all its own.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#147921 - 03/31/07 02:37 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: roadrunner]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Lost, extx, and RR

AND RoadRunner, pieite, muldoon, nobs, ste, rabbit, and egl

My brothers I hear you. And I feel your love and support. And it means the world to me. I don't in any way mean to demean the love and support you offer to me or to make it seem like I am unsatisfied with th love your have shared with me. You all have a special place in my heart, right next to all my napa brothers (even though I've only heard back from one so far....)

Here's my greater point.... The absolute tragedy is that in a self-selective society of over 3,000 members there is no reason we should feel satisfied that 10 or of our family should respond to our pointed, plaintive, and clear pleas for support. Nine. That's .2% of the popualtion of this community. Do you honestly meant to tell me that as a human being you are would be satisfied if .2% of your friends and family came to your aid when you were crying out in the darkness for help? WHat have I said that is harmful or hurtful to anyone? Have I called anyone a name? What have I done but beg for recognition. Where is the sin in that?

I'm sorry, but I won't accept that .2% is a sufficient response. So far over 50 people have viewed this thread at a conservative estimate. How much effort would it take someone who has read these my words to simple say, "I hear you." THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR!

I understand why people run away in anger from this site. But I won't. I have too much invested here. And I believe too deeply in the inherent goodness of everyone who is a member here.

I'm disheartened. I'm sorry. My brothers are better than this. I know it.





Edited by tartugas (03/31/07 03:20 AM)
_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#147924 - 03/31/07 03:04 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
well. I read this, and respond, even as I do not feel 'up to' responding to nothing right now.

There are many reasons why people do not respond to a post. Some are not here. Some do not have computer right now. Some are busy. Some are sick. Some are, all they can handle, is to look to read, and understand. Some have no words. Some are barely 'hanging on' themself right then. Some are perhaps not members, but here anonymously to look at what this site is for.

Is it more importent, I wonder, to say what it is you need to say here, and have it released of you, or to have it responded to? The tree in the forest, even with no one to hear it, still make the sound. Very much of what I post here, it do not get so much reponds either. But that it is released of me, that I have been able to 'say' it at all, it is gift of itself. If someone read it and understand me, it is even better. If someone read it and respond, even more. But I do not post with expectations of response at all.

I am sorry you been disappointed. But as someone who come here, and still have fear to speak at all sometime, who is barely 'hanging on' right now, I do best I can do here. I think others, I try to have faith they do the same.

You are heard. Truly.

VN


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#147936 - 03/31/07 04:56 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: VN]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Tartugas,

I hear your anger and frustration. I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#147940 - 03/31/07 08:33 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: Brian]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Tartugas,

I apologize for becoming angry last night. Please know that I meant nothing by my language. I understand your point about only .2% of the community responding. When you look at the whole community it does seem like a rather low percentage. My point about having 7 brothers respond was mostly shock on my part. When I started coming here I was shocked that anyone would respond at all.

When you PM'd a response to me the other day about how I'm lucky to have remembered a time before the abuse. I am lucky in that respect. However, my dad was always phyically abusive and do not remember a time when he wasn't. However, I was lucky to have little brothers to play with and before the abuse I do have some good memories. i am sorry that you do not.

You are older than I and seemingly very wise. I did not nor do I believe that anyone else meant any thing by pointing out your wisdom. Sometimes we tend to believe that people with so much wisdom have no problems and that can be a horrible burden. You do have problems and need the shoulder to lean on and to cry on.

All I can offer is what I have to offer you. that is my friendship, my love, and my support. if you need anything from me and I am able I will certainly do it. I laid in bed last night lamenting my words to you with much regret. I thought about your loneliness and pain. I wish I had been kinder to you. One thing that I have realized by comming here is that we all seem to be mirror images of each other in one way or another. The anger and lonelieness is truely a ubiquitious evil. Do what you need to do and REST ASSURED that if i don't see you on this site for a while I'm going to post and post and post until you respond.

Lean on us, those who responded did so because we do care and were able to respond. And don't think for a minute that the ones who haven't don't care. You know as well as I that when your self esteem is so low that no matter how many times you, tartugas, say respond, i don't care what you say just respond, that some of us will say to ourselves I'm not good enough. Or, something to that effect.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I reached out to my brothers here earlier in the week and you didn't respond to me. Am I to believe that you don't care? No i don't believe that. You are going through your own pit of despair and I think nothing of that fact you didn't respond to me. We all do what we can and are able to do. If only .2% of the community respond to you that's .4% of the communities shoulders to lean on. You are very well thought of here. Please go easy on yourself. Let me know if I can do anything.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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