Newest Members
JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS
12466 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
BobbyJay (53), john50049 (57), Samii (34)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 27 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12466 Members
74 Forums
64015 Topics
446761 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5 >
Topic Options
#147674 - 03/29/07 07:17 PM status report from the roller coaster
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
So the roller coaster ride is longer and curvier this tome around. After feeling much better yesterday, feelings of panic, anxiety, fear, and crushing loneliness returned again today. Fortunately I found some time to write and reflect this afternoon which has helped. A little analysis blended with acceptance proves to be a healthy mix for me. Sharing the results with you and hearing your empathy, sympathy, and responses is another important piece of the puzzle that carries me through.

I understand now that this cycle of pain and despair is likely to continue as i go deeper into this stage of my journey. My hope is not lose myself to it. And in an attempt to that I will keep posting here and reaching out to my friends. I only ask that if tatugas makes a mysterious disappearance for more than a few days that some one reach out. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I know my patterns, adnI know how easy it might be for me to "go into the shell". Not that any of you are responsible to keep me going, that's my job, of course.

I was swarmed with fatigue and depair and anger at times today. At first I fought against them, hoping to push them away through sheer force of hope and effort. I realized that this was only making things worse and draining me more than necessary. Finally I accepted that I might indeed be justified in feeling lonely, feeling isolated, and feeling alone. Not that I am any of these things, but the feelings are valid and not to be attacked. In short, I took my own advice and allowed my own feelingsthe validity they deserved.

The second I did so I had a flash of a feeilng -- something like the kid exhaling and letting down his guard a bit. And the moment I allowed the sadness to wash over me, I found the strength go on writing, and was able to see - if not necessarily a way out -- then at least a vision of myself as a whole person. Broken perhaps, bleary eyed nd exhausted, but whole and capable of going on.

Each day will be its own adventure. I see that now. And the struggle will defintely be harder than anticipated. The sheer number of people who "don't understand" or can't "get it" when I talk about what I'm experiencing and what my abuse has done to me can be disheartening. And at times, especially when I swing unexpectedly from a good feeling, it's doubly hard to remember and allow myself the freedom to feel down. But day by day I'm finding it a little easier to trust myself, accept the truth of waht I feel, and reach out for support.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#147700 - 03/29/07 10:05 PM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tartugas,

I hope you make a copy of this post and keep it in your wallet for the days when things feel especially bad. You have hit so many points dead on! Especially this one:

Originally Posted By: tartugas
But day by day I'm finding it a little easier to trust myself, accept the truth of what I feel, and reach out for support.


THAT, my friend, is the whole shooting match. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#147722 - 03/30/07 12:47 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: roadrunner]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Thanks Larry. It's a huge help to know that I'm not totally off my rocker. A lot of this stuff seems right to me, but I need to be careful abotu not thinking myself into a corner.

I'm so scared to face this stuff. I'm seeing my T tomorrow, and part of me want to back out. I know what this next stage will require of me. I'm scared to open myself up that much to the pain. I'm scared to be that vulnerable. I'm scared to go back in time, drop all the defenses that have gotten me this far and, in a kind of way start from scratch all over again.

Don't leave me guys. I need you. Please.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#147774 - 03/30/07 08:42 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Chris,

I hope it will help you to know that ANY survivor who'se in the place where you are now is scared of facing his issues. It's normal to panic even at the thought of going to our T at first. What we are doing is running all the old tapes we had as boys, telling us what failures we were and how worthless we were. Sure, people now tell us that'snot true and that's what all the books say. But knowing something and believing in it are very different things.

Therapy and recovery are all about going from "knowing" the truth to believing in it and trusting it as something we can use to rebuild our lives. It takes time, but it does happen.

Hang in there and now you aren't alone - not ever.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#147780 - 03/30/07 09:44 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: roadrunner]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
T

I dont have any advice for you only that I am going through exactly the same thing right now. So at the fear that my advice will be turned against me :-) I will only say that you are not alone in this.

But I want to tell you that you make such a valuable contribution in here, and especially to me personally, so please dont make any "mysterious dissapearance".

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

Top
#147783 - 03/30/07 10:28 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: pietie]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Tartugas
Just want to let you know that there is great help for you in NYC.
St Lukes Crime Victims Treatment Center at 114th and Amsterdam has free help. They have group and one on one sessions and it may be a place for you to network with other survivors. Thier phone # is 212-523-4728

Recovery truly is a wild rollercoster ride and I undertstand how easey it is to go into our shells. I have been working on this for 5 years now and I just want to say that recovery does take time but it is wroth every effort to get better.

Keep your head out in the sun shine. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

Top
#147788 - 03/30/07 10:57 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: Muldoon]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Tom,

Thank you for you kind words. In point of fact, I have called St. Vincent's twice and received absolutely no help from them whatsoever. They may very well be a wonderful resource for people in crisis, but they simply are not equipped to handle the needs of someone who needs information and assistence finding more in depth help. Especially not men. I've asked them twice for asistence in finding groups for male survivors, and they had no information whatsoever.

I have to be careful, because thinking about them is beginning to make my blood boil. I live in New York Fucking CIty, you'd think it would be realtively easy to find a group here. I know, I know... go make one I hear hundreds of supportive voices encourage me. Fuck that... I'm sick and tired of having to do ALL the fucking work. Where the hell is the help I need? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND WHAT I NEED IN A WORLD THAT DISMISSES AND REJECTS THE LEGITIMATE NEEDS OF ME AS A MAN WHO IS A SURVIVOR? I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY! WHERE ARE THE GROUPS?

I went to church, spoke to a pastor and elder, shared my strory with them. You know what they did? They stopped talking to me for 2 months? Is it because they got scared off by my story? They wouldn't say that, but the truth of the matter is that they couldnt' hear and respond to what I was asking for. And you know what I was asking for? I was asking for help. I asked the church for fucking help and those bastard turned their back on me!

This si so at teh heart of our struggles. Every single one of us here. WE have to fight ourselves so much on a daily, hourly basis, it's unjust that these difficulties are compunded bty the ignorance and apathy of the world around us. Oh sure, accuse a priest of a pastor of doing anything wrong, and all of a sudden the sleepy electorate come out of their diabetic comas and begin to shout at the top of their lungs in defense of the person so visciously "slandered". WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT US? WHAT ABOUT THE VICTIMS!

(See Robbie, you're not the only one who can use all caps)

Tom, I'm sorry, please understand that I'm not in anyway angry at you. And it is not you're fault in anyway for upsetting me. This needs to come out. I need to get angry. I've never let my anger come out. When I was five, I was put into group therapy in the county mental hospital once a month with a couple of other young boys whose temper tantrums were labelled uncontrollable. I was taught over and over again not to lash out. I think I had my anger response somehow trained out of me. All I know for sure is that, ever since then I stopped having tantrums and started internalizing everything. I couldn't get angry any more. I have never gotten into a physical fight since I was in kindergarten. I used to tell myself, and other people, that I wouldn't do it, I was scared that if I turned on the anger I wouldn't stop until someone was seriously harmed. Where does that thinking come from?

I NEED HELP. I'm sick and tired of asking for it. I'm going to see my therpist like a good little doobie today (actually he is a godsend to me, and I do not in any way wish to imply that I don't like him). But the point is that, again, I'm doing all the hard work. I know, I know, haven't I always preached to everyone else about how "it's our responsibility to do the work of healing". Yes I have. And you know what, screw it, it doesn't mean we can't be angry abotu it. I'm angry because my parent's stopped stopped holding me after I was ohhhh... maybe a month old? (I have only ever seen one pictuer of their tender caring, and I had to have been almost a newborn in the picture, so young I couldn't recognize myself). I'm angry because it's all on me. I'm angry becasue when I come here and poist asking for help I get almost NO response from you guys! What the hell? I can start a discussion with some of you guys that can last for 70 pages when printed out, but when I ASK for help. WHen I PLEAD for your encouragement. WHEN I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I'M RUNNING OFF THE RAILS EVERYONE SEEMS TO RUN AND HIDE. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? WHY AM I SCARING ALL OF YOU? I can't be the great and wise writer everyday who's insights bring solace and help to everyone. I'm just as broken and shatterd on the inside as all of you. Where is the support. Where is the help? I can't believe that I'm actually stepping out of my shell and asking for it, and yet time and tiem again all I get back is silence. Oh sure I can make a controversial statement abotu forgiveness and all of asudden everyone comes runnig out of the woodwork. Why haven't I heard from my brothers from napa? Does everyone actually hate the turtle and are you all too scred to be honest with me?

What is going on? I need support. It's back enough I have to ask for it. Don't make me strip myself naked and get down on my knees. I'm beggin you guys. Don't leave me hanging like this.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#147792 - 03/30/07 10:59 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Apparently all i need to do is trheaten to leave like mack did and then i'll get everyone's help

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#147794 - 03/30/07 11:02 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
kids,

The venting is a healthy part of what male survivor is all about. If anyone is coming here for the first time and seeing this rant, please do not for a second think that this si a bad place. The TRUTH is that I have been helped, IMMENSELY by this site and by the care and support I've received from my freind and brothers here.

But we are human, flawed, and in need of help. It's never wrong to cry out in the darkness. And what I just poisted in one of my cries. Part of what makes this place so good is that I can cry out like this.

That's not to say anyone who's read this post and held back from sending me their warm wishes is off the hook by the way.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#147795 - 03/30/07 11:04 AM Re: status report from the roller coaster [Re: tartugas]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
We wont leave you, but make space for feeling good of yourself.
Sometimes feelings can overwhelm you, so find a diversion when
it gets too much.

I wish for you better times,

ste


Top
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.