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#1473 - 08/20/02 10:49 PM A lot of things are happening...
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
A lot of things are happening right now. My dad died about 10 days ago, the memorial was last Saturday. I did the eulogy. It was one of the toughest things I've ever done. He hasn't been around mentally for a few years now but now he's not around at all.

I've come to understand why he wasn't there for me to protect me, why he wasn't approachable, why I couldn't tell him about the abuse when it happened. He was trying to provide his family with a better life than he had as a kid and he did. We had enough material things, just no emotional things. He never said that he loved me or hugged me until after he had his first stroke. I was about 43 at that time. I felt so cheated. Why couldn't he have been a loving parent that I could have confided in? Why didn't he see what was going on? I know he was doing the best he could but I'm still very angry.

I told my mom about the abuse a month or so ago. Nothing specific, just that it happened when I was 11 and went on for a few years. She listened to me but basically wanted to talk about her own problems and her own issues. She's an recovering alcoholic and has been sober for about 15 years now. She drank a lot when I was a kid when the abuse was happening and left us alone a lot when dad was out of town on business. I told her that I couldn't tell anyone at the time and didn't tell anyone for 38 years. At least she knows, at least I told her, it's not a secret anymore.

Last week I told my oldest sister about it, again nothing specific, just that it happened. I didn't tell her that it was one of her boyfriends that was the perpetrator, it would serve no useful purpose. She's a bit unstable, always has been I guess. The abuse is not a secret anymore.

I've got some health issues that I have to deal with, some surgeries that I have to have to remove a couple of lesions on my kidney and some pre-cancerous stuff on my tongue. I hate hospitals. I hate the way the insurance companies make you jump through hoops just to get the services that you need. I had a bad wreck on my motorcycle in June that put me in the hospital for a couple of days and out of work for about three weeks. Riding the 'bike was my one and only outlet and now I don't have that anymore either. I missed going on my motorcycle vacation that I had been planning for over eight months. I don't like anything about my life right now, my job is not challenging and it's not very stable. The company that I work for has reduced the staff to about 25% of what it was a few years ago. I guess I'm fortunate that they kept me on. I've let my finances deteriorate over the last couple of years. I just can't seem to get the energy together to do anything that needs to get done.

Well, enough of this rant. Thanks for listening.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#1474 - 08/21/02 12:17 AM Re: A lot of things are happening...
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Dear Steve,
You have my sympathy for the loss of your father. Sounds like you lost the man you knew and loved awhile ago but you are never prepared for a death when it actually occurs. It's so final. My own father passed away 13 years ago. We were never close, in fact he sort of rejected me and was not there to protect me, so I had lots of unresolved feelings when he died. I was on an emotional roller coaster for the first year after his death. If you ever want to talk with someone who's been through it, I will gladly listen. You are going through a lot right now. I wish you well.

With warm regards,
Roy


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#1475 - 08/21/02 03:30 PM Re: A lot of things are happening...
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Steve,

My heart goes out to you during this tough time, just wanted to let you know i hear you and i am thinking about you and wishing for better times for both of us.

Hugs to ya,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#1476 - 08/21/02 06:39 PM Re: A lot of things are happening...
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Steve,

I am sorry to hear of the death of your father, especially with some unresolved issues around the relationship the two of you had or didn't have.

It is so important when a person has serious medical problems that you have a good, hopeful, positive attitude. It is not my place to do so, but still I would suggest that you not think much more or talk much more about the abuse until after the surgeries. Try to be positive that they will be successful and that you will feel significantly better after them.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us informed how things go if you chose to do so.

Peace to your brother.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#1477 - 08/21/02 07:14 PM Re: A lot of things are happening...
Happy Birthday Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Steve
That's a tough time you're having.
We're thinking about you, be strong.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#1478 - 08/22/02 04:01 PM Re: A lot of things are happening...
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Thanks to all of you for your support right now. An immediate problem for me is that when I've been stressed out in the past I've tended to act out. I guess when things are out of control it triggers memories/feelings about the ultimate out of control experience in my life. I know these feelings for what they are but it's still difficult for me to resist going out and doing something stupid/dangerous/arousing/guilt producing/etc. I know that I am in control of what I do now and I can choose not to do these things no matter how tempting it is to just numb out.

I will try to have a positive attitude regarding the surgeries. I've done a lot of research on the web on both of the medical problems and maybe I know too much about them. I know what the risks and complications are on an intellectual level but on an emotional level I'm just scared.

Thanks again, I'll keep you posted.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#1479 - 08/22/02 04:48 PM Re: A lot of things are happening...
Happy Birthday Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Steve
I've found that since I have admitted that I acted out to people ( in the same circumstances, stress etc ) the urge is still there sometimes, but fading, but actually doing it has stopped.
For me the secrecy and risk were such a big part of acting out that without it the thrill has gone.
Maybe that's fairly common, I don't know though.
I do know that stress and worry makes me worse, and acting out is an easy and effective way of distracting myself, but it's very short term and the guilt far outweighs the distraction.

I hope your surgery goes well Steve, be strong
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#1480 - 08/23/02 04:56 PM Re: A lot of things are happening...
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Quote:
An immediate problem for me is that when I've been stressed out in the past I've tended to act out. I guess when things are out of control it triggers memories/feelings about the ultimate out of control experience in my life. I know these feelings for what they are but it's still difficult for me to resist going out and doing something stupid/dangerous/arousing/guilt producing/etc.
Oh my...do I identify. I get very self-destructive impulses when things get rough. The arousal/dangerous/stupid things numb me, distract me from the pain. Then the guilt crashes in, and I punish myself for the behavior. Nice little cycle - rinse, repeat.

I write when those things happen. Others may do other things. If there is anything you can do for YOU, do it. And take strength that you are not alone in the feeling. You have given me strength in just that way.
Peace

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#1481 - 08/23/02 06:51 PM Re: A lot of things are happening...
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I can only imagine how tough that must have been. My mom died in January and it has been a rough road, but one that is getting better. I find myself talking about her a little without just going to tears... I have to keep remembering that it is a process... and it does take time. My heart does go out to you and I hope you will take care of yourself during these times... be good to yourself.... and be patient with yourself as well.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#1482 - 08/28/02 09:20 PM Re: A lot of things are happening...
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Just an update:

I had a CT scan today and the first surgery is scheduled for mid-September with the second one two weeks after that when I come back for my post-op visit. It's actually a bit of a relief to have it scheduled. I know that it's going to happen and when. I'm still apprehensive about it but the more I know about the procedures the better my BS detector is.

The damned insurance company still hasn't paid me for the motorcycle yet. I want to get it fixed as soon as I can but it will have to wait 'til after I recuperate now. It's something to look forward to. I'm changing the color from green to something very non-green this time around.

Thanks again to all of you for listening and responding to my post. You all helped and I appreciate that. I wish that I could get a support group going here in Northern California.

Take care of yourselves and I will too.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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