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#146946 - 03/25/07 12:46 PM Gay? and Perp Male?
dean1320 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
i have often wondered, probably more on a subconcious level, if my sexuality was tied into the sexual assault by male perps. consciously, i knew that i acted out. although not as some, i did put myself in sexual situations that were unsafe for me or my partners. now as a gay man that respects himself more, i remain monogamous and use safe sex practices. i call it self love. it does not come overnight, but it's worth considering. as i appreciate myself more, i appreciate the simpler things that life has to offer.
the definitive answer to the question for me is that my sexuality and the csa that happened are two different entities that became morbidly fused together for so long. i have more insight into unfusing these incorrect ideas, but it is not easy. just wanted to share a little with you all. thanks.

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#147058 - 03/26/07 02:19 AM Re: Gay? and Perp Male? [Re: dean1320]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: dean1320
my sexuality and the csa that happened are two different entities that became morbidly fused together for so long


Thank you for framing it that way. My High School self, so confused by the CSA, could never see things that way. I was convinced then that the two HAD to be fused. They were not.

Goodness!!! I learn SO much here!!!

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#147076 - 03/26/07 09:04 AM Re: Gay? and Perp Male? [Re: Still]
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
These issues you speak of, Dean, bothered me so much at one point in my life I started to conduct mini-interviews with family and friends who knew me pre CSA and during CSA to kind of get an idea where I might have been headed anyways. I has always sensed myself of perhaps being attracted to the same sex and having intense emotional attachments and feeling for a couple and I had a couple of same sex crushes here aand there but I was still a long ways off from any place near considering the actual sexual part of homosexuality and I certainly was not affirmatively identifying myself as such. Some family and friends remember gay tendencies or at least, a "sensitive" nature.

Post CSA, sex got pushed to the forefront and the more I explored my homosexuality, the more it became mainly about sex though inside I was still aching for true companionship and love.I did meet one special guy and even though we are no longer a couple, have managed to substain a fruitful, long lasting, fulfilling friendship.

Things get a little extra hairy for me because my longest lasting, most intense, gay rtelationship has been with a fellow CSA survivor. Long before i told him about it, it turned out he had already pegged me as such from the way I would act sexually sometimes. He was 15 years older than me and I was around 20 when I met him. The relationship lasted about 12 or so years. At any rate, when he confided his own CSA issues with me, it deepened our relationsip in a strange way. We each found ourselves braving to let post CSA crap enter the relationship as it threatened to come up with no judgements and mutual understanding. I never connected to somebody like I connected to him. I am sure the CSA shaped some of my sexual tastes as it shaped his and it was through our relationship that we both eventually let go of the shame and distaste in this. I will always love him and he will always be an important influence in my life.

So for me, there are aspects of my homosexuality I do not really separate from my CSA but such superimposements are no longer traumatic for me. I just accept that it would be virtually impossible not to have some areas be serious affected by such a terrible event in ones young life. I don't think the origin of my own homosexuality lies in the CSA though. Gay men have sex with other gay men but they also respectfully love, care, and interact heathily with each other and that certainly was not instilled in me by any CSA experience. So I claim my capacity to love another man for myself,emanating from myself.


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#147096 - 03/26/07 12:50 PM Re: Gay? and Perp Male? [Re: dean1320]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I feel simarlarly. The CSA seemed to fuse together with my sexuality, and only now as an adult I am slowly learning to separate the two.

I am recently dealing with a painful crush on a male coworker. The painful part seems to wax and wane, but I don't care to analyze and try to figure out what is causing it to spike at certain times. I have a history of over-analyzing and then getting scared at how I feel when my brain is exhausted (i.e. derealization/depersonalization). I don't really care to go there again if I don't have to.

As far as being related to CSA, it seems to me that a great deal of the dark and negative thinking that makes a crush begin to consume my happiness would be more related to CSA. I know that a crush is supposed to have it's own level of pain, but sometimes it's overwhelming. There is probably some healthy level of distress that should be expected to come from a crush, and I think I can find a way to accept it, but I'm not there yet.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#147097 - 03/26/07 01:11 PM Re: Gay? and Perp Male? [Re: dean1320]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
We need to remind ourselves, that we are pretty good people now and again.

Nuff said,

ste


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#147248 - 03/27/07 01:08 PM Re: Gay? and Perp Male? [Re: reality2k4]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I just decided to jot some thoughts down in a personal file and I realized a relation to the pain. It becomes very intense when I start to feel that this really good friend is going to reject me (and he has proven me wrong almost every time I start to fear the worst). I begin to think of things about myself that I believe are "worthy of rejection", and "annoying and gross" for anyone to have to deal with. I start feeling very scared and insecure, and that seems to be the source of the pain.

I just shared with him something from my youth that was quite painful and traumatic (not the CSA itself) and then I was a bit floored when I realized that I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of someone I feel very strong emotions towards. He responded with a message so kind and reassuring that it almost brought me to tears.

I think he may realize that his friendship is very important to me, and he may sense that there is a very powerful and positive impact that his friendship can-have/is-having on me. At the same time, I do not discount the likelihood that I am capable of providing the same sort of powerful and positive impact on him. Realizations and reassurances such as these make the painful fears of rejection seem very trivial and selfish, but it is a healthy realization of selfishness, not another dark self-bashing.

Just some additional thoughts to chew on.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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